I really miss blogging on here. My God I let one rip and now I have to continue blogging. This post is hella long and I don’t give a fuck.
So I turned 25 a few weeks ago. Leading up to my 25th birthday I was really upset because I expected some friends to plan a super amazing surprise birthday for me as I had done for 2 of them. I hadn’t gotten any indications that the surprise birthday was going to be a thing so I got mad.
Fast forward a few days after my birthday and the surprise birthday was a thing. And it was some shit. Just keeping it real….lol these are the things we don’t talk about because we’re afraid that people will judge us. But I’m over that judging shit. Post to come soon. Barely anyone came and of the people that arrived, I had close, enduring relationships with like half of them or less. The highlight was seeing a friend of mine from college. That brought me to tears. That was the highlight of my party. Everything else was shit….. and let’s not even get started on the some of the annoying shit that was said to me…..
Some of you are probably reading this and thinking… damn this bitch is crazy and ungrateful. You don’t know me. Fuck off.
Let me put things into context. When I want to love and celebrate someone, I pull out all the stops. I spare no expense….. not sure why I’m like that, but I don’t pinch pennies or time when it comes to loving people. If I love you, then what I have is yours. No questions asked. Minus my books. I hate sharing my books with anyone. HATE IT. I don’t know why…. but that’s how I am. I’d rather part with my money than part with my books.
For one of my roommates, I spent a month leading up to her birthday planning an extravaganza that would blow her mind, all while keeping things a secret. A month probably wasn’t long enough, but I’m an efficient planner, and incredibly detail oriented. I’m also a bit of the obsessive side so I tend to think and over think, analyze and over-analyze things until I get to where I want to be. Such was the case for her party. I got people to bring her gifts, I made sure entertainment was lit, the food was AMAZE-BALLS ok? And I told the guests to bring food AND gifts. FOOD AND GIFTS PEOPLE. No you’re not about to be a cheap ass and and not bring my friend a gift because you brought food. Hell nah. Bring a fucking gift!
On her day, she was surrounded by love and affection. I contacted some of her closest friends. It was LIT! It was amazing. I also made her a special presentation filled to the brim with prophetic words and videos…. she was freaking loved.
On my day, I got a fuck ton of food (didn’t like most of the food btw), people I didn’t know/care about (and some people that I did). And one gift.*record screech* what the fuck? I also got a really cool shout out from an media and entertainment personality… I loved that. *resume playing*
I was so angry and so hurt. I vented to my best friend and she was really dismissive about it, as she tends to be about lots of things that bother me. What I didn’t tell her entirely, but what I hinted at was that I was honestly shocked at her role. First off, I didn’t think she was planning to play any kind of role in a surprise birthday party…. she said she wasn’t doing that. And so when she did, I was shocked, because she said she wasn’t doing so… and I was also surprised that even with her involvement things turned out as shitty as they did. I’m not mad or anything but damn….. lol….. kinda wish you weren’t involved for real, because you know me, and if you know me, you know what I like and what I don’t like… anyway…
After torturing myself and feeling like shit over the fact that I wasn’t happy about my surprise birthday, one of my roommates approached me and told me that she knew I was upset and she wanted to talk about it before she travelled elsewhere. So we talked. For hours. Then my bestie and I had some issues recently. And that’s when I realized:
People really can’t do shit for you. They can’t make you happy. You can’t put all your hope in them. They’re going to disappoint the hell out of you if you let them. And I realized that I’ve let people do a fucking moonwalk and Irish jig on my emotions. I’ve given people so much power over my emotions… and I’ve done it primarily through one way: UNHEALTHY EXPECTATIONS.
Unhealthy expectations come in several flavors as I’ve learned:
- You expect the wrong thing from the wrong person (you expect empathy from a friend who is all business, or you expect someone to remember the little bitty details of your life when they can barely remember their middle name in a state of complete sobriety #realitycheck)
- You expect too much from someone (you expect someone who doesn’t know you as well as you know yourself to do something only you could do… like throw you a surprise birthday party with all of the things and people you know and love #girlbye)
- You expect someone who doesn’t care about things that you care about and has demonstrated that they don’t care to all of a sudden care just care because you’ve had a few talks (if they didn’t care then, why should they care now and why the fuck do you expect to them to care in the future #insanity)
- You expect someone to be responsible for things only you can be responsible for (your health, your wealth, your happiness….)
There are plenty more flavors available in this unhealthy expectations party, but these are a few unhealthy expectations that I’ve had and am now decisively planning to let go of….starting now…
I resolve to
- Stop handing over the responsibility of my health, wealth and wellness over to other people. I am the steward of my life and I alone am responsible. I will have to give an account of my life to God one day and I won’t be able to blame anyone for anything. #cutthatshitout #ownyourshit
- Stop expecting people to truly and deeply understand me 100%. That shit isn’t going to happen. We all yearn for that visceral connection…. someone who really really gets it and gets you… but let’s be honest… there’s only one person that truly gets me and that’s Jesus. Everyone else gets a piece of the puzzle, some more than others… but I can’t expect people to completely and truly understand why I am the way I am, why certain things make me angry and why I don’t like certain things. I just can’t. They’re not going to. So when I let go of this expectation, I let go of opportunities to be offended, hurt and resentful, and I give myself freedom #fuckthenegativity
- Stop expecting people to be considerate in the ways that I want them to be. People are going to be late. People are going to change their minds. People are going to cancel plans. People are going to flake. People are going to do whatever the fuck they want to do. It’s time I stopped being such a fucking tightwad about everything and let it go. I’m on that adaptive expectations flow. #lifeisbetterthisway
- Stop placing people on such a high pedestal. I can love you and not expect the world from you. I can love you, not expect a lot from you and not devalue who you are. I can love you and know that you will not do what I want, do what I think is good/best in a situation. I can love you and know that you will do things that I disagree with. And that is absolutely ok.
- Stop expecting people to constantly be thinking of me. I think of people a lot…. that’s great. Doesn’t mean they’re always thinking about me. And they honestly don’t have to. Stop being offended over that shit. People are selfish/focused on themselves. That’s just facts. Not something to get upset about. #getoverit
- Stop expecting people to tell me everything. When I get to a level where I trust you, I am very open and forthcoming about my life. I’ll never tell you everything, because fuck that, but I’ll tell you a lot more than I would ever need to tell you. Not many people share my level of candor. And that is COMPLETELY FINE. I don’t need people to tell me everything. Not even my closest friends. People are allowed to be discreet. People are allowed to keep things to themselves. #stopbeingsofuckingentitled #notmybusiness #staybusynotnewsy
- Stop expecting people to act and think like me. I’m me for a reason. Give people space to be who they are. And don’t get mad when they don’t do things my way. #suchislife
With these resolutions I believe I will live a much happier, more fulfilling, less negative life.
Fuck unhealthy expectations. Fuck the anger, bitterness and resentment that comes from them. I’m so over unhealthy expectations. #breathein #breatheout #letgo