Parents and bros are in town. I should be happier right?
Well…. not exactly. I love my parents and bros to life. They bring much joy and happiness…. but being around them is emotionally exhausting.
I can’t handle the expectations. My parents have been NAGGING THE HELL OUT OF ME LATELY about being in a relationship.
What the fuck?
I just turned 25 and somehow relationships is now all they’re talking about. I mean… they mentioned it briefly/jokingly when I was 24… but now it’s like the floodgates have opened and every time I see them “Are you dating anyone? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO? You should have your eye on someone right now at this age. And look at the way you’re dressed. It’s no wonder. Who will look at you when you look like that?”
“Daughter, give me grandkids! I WANT GRANDKIDS!”
God. Here I am, trying to be content in my singleness and live the life You’ve called me to live, whatever the fuck that means. And now something has possessed my parents to take such a special and invested in my relationship and reproductive statuses.
My heart hurts. I’m more than annoyed. I’m troubled. I’m troubled because I can’t seem to find peace in the now. I’m not where I want to be. I hate where I’ve come from, and I don’t know where the fuck I’m going.
Everything seems so uncertain.
I lift my eyes unto the hills, from where does my help come?
………..from the Lord. But God it feels like you’re harming more than helping me these days.
From where does my husband come?
……….from the Lord. But God, I see no prospects. Even on the best days when I slay, not a single soul glances my way (at least not the men I want to attract)…….You are acting like You want me to remain single.
From where does my revelation about the future come?
……….from the Lord…. but God I’m more confused about my future than ever.
From where does my grace to study for the GMAT/LSAT/GRE come from?
………from the Lord. But God……..I sit down to study and the focus and clarity are not there. My mind races, my heart is overwhelmed. What am I doing wrong?
From where does my peace come from?
………from the Lord. But I feel like You’ve stripped me of Your peace and torn me in pieces.
From where does my contentment come from?
………from the Lord. But You’ve blessed everyone else with the same things I’ve been believing for and crying out and contending for. What the hell are You doing God.
And so it is.
Parents complaining about my relationship status. Parents complaining about the fact that I don’t spend enough time with them.
Parents complaining that all my mates are prospering while I look like I’m staying stagnant. Fuck. They’re right. Everyone is moving on swiftly and I’m crawling along at a snail’s pace. Trying to figure out my life.
Ugh. These woes. These hoes. These streets. These sheets. I’m tired. Of Life. Of strife.