She loves children.
She wants a big family.
When she was younger, she was a self-proclaimed baby/child whisperer, and yet…..
She’s afraid of being around children.
She’s still trying to unpack why exactly, but I have some ideas.
She was molested as a child (between 5 and 7).
She acted out what happened to her on some friends (age 5).
When she was 5, she kissed a baby, tongue and all (ewww)…..
I know this girl. I’ve watched her grow up. We’re best of friends.
She would never hurt or touch a child inappropriately. Ever.
She’s had the responsibility of caring for many young children. And she cared for them well.
Apart from what she did when she was 5, she hasn’t done anything inappropriate to another child ever.
But on the very rare occasion that she lets me into this part of her life, she tells me that she’s afraid that she’s a monster. She’s afraid of herself.
I wish I could convince her that there’s nothing to fear. She’s not the monster who did those things to her. She can re-write the story. She doesn’t have to be afraid anymore. I hate what trauma does to people. I hate how trauma makes people question their own goodness, and sanity. I hate how trauma scares people into thinking that they’re in danger of repeating the past. She’s so much better than what’s she’s been through. I wish she could believe it.