I struggle with my sexuality sometimes…. a lot of the time.
I was never taught to appreciate sex as a beautiful thing.
I was simply taught about the importance of keeping my virginity.
I wasn’t taught how to deal with raging hormones.
I was simply taught the importance of praying. And when I struggled with sexual purity (pornography and masturbation), I was chastised for not praying enough.
On nights like tonight, where all I want to do is have sex with somebody (thank you ovulation *rolls eyes*) I feel ridiculously frustrated.
I think jealously of my married friends that can have sex whenever they want (I know that’s not true but it feels like it). I can’t even touch myself without feeling crushed by guilt.
I’ve never been kissed. Never been held. Never been touched….well in ways that I wanted to be touched anyway….. molestation certainly doesn’t count.
And now all I want is to be kissed, to be held, to be touched, licked, eaten…. ALL THAT!
But nah. I’m going to go to bed. And I’ll wake up and lead worship tomorrow morning. Damn.
Managing desires and building self-control isn’t the most fun thing in the world. Kinda wish my sex drive came with an off button. #distewmuch