Can’t sleep. So I blog.
I’ve been in a very weird and shitty place for at least a year and a half now.
I thought maybe after I got fired from my teaching job this past June and had time to focus on me things would get better.
I felt an emptiness. A growing restlessness.
I avoided the void with work. And more work.
The emptiness has grown and now there’s a yawning chasm between my heart and mind. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in there anymore.
I am so confused.
Am I even capable of making good decisions?
I know God is speaking but I’m not tuned into His frequency.
I’m tired of hearing Him say “I love you” when my life feels like a cosmic joke.
I look around me and I see people living their dreams…. and I’m here. Trying to scrape together money to pay bills.
I should be grateful though. I should be. After all, I’m alive…. I’m highly educated…. I have a family that loves me… I have friends……ish….. Life could be so much worse.
But I’m tired of using that as a sedative…as a relaxant. Life should be so much better.
I’m tired of being on the struggle bus… and yet I feel so stuck.
I want to run passionately after my dreams, but then I get smacked in the face with self-condemnation… what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?
I don’t want to lose my soul.
And yet I feel lost already.
I still feel restless and empty.