I thought I had vented out all my rage concerning you and hatred of myself for all the shit I did in pursuit of you, but I still have some venom left.
I absolutely hate that I even factored you into any of my life plans, considerations and future goals and dreams. I AM DISGUSTED. You are nowhere to be found, we will never be together (PRAISE THE LORD) and I am so angry that I wasted SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY THINKING OF YOU.
I want to slap myself……
I need to forgive myself, for the time I wasted on you. The emotions, the energy.
I need to forgive you. Because to hate you would waste EVEN MORE TIME, EVEN MORE ENERGY.
I just want you to be irrelevant to my past, present and future.
I want every memory and thought of you to be erased from my heart and mind.
AND I WILL SEE TO IT that you take up no more residence in my thoughts.
I will literally end your existence in my life, since I can’t kill you and I wouldn’t want to.
But just know this, you are dead to me.
Whatever we had and did not have will be erased and wiped out like the hard drive of a computer.
I let go of you and all that was beautiful, all that was ugly, to make space for the greater.
Because I deserve greater than you. I deserve better than you. I deserve to be treated well, with care, with intention, with respect.
So this is a final goodbye. Really hoping I never see you again. Really hoping I can forget you completely, but even if I don’t it doesn’t matter because like I said:
You are dead to me.