I was talking to my bestie earlier and told her she had deep-rooted anger against God.
What I didn’t tell her was I do too.
I’ve been angry with God for a very, very, very long time. I attribute this anger to an experience that happened a year and 6 months ago, but I realize that was only a trigger. My anger started earlier than that. I feel like it started in undergrad.
I graduated from high school near the top of my class with decent grades, stellar standardized test scores (2100+ SAT back when it was out of 2400, all 5s on several AP exams, 93rd percentile score on the ACT without studying), an armful of awards, and acceptances to some of the best schools in the country.
I thought I was the shit. I worked hard (well…sorta). I cried. I had panic attacks. I cried out to the Lord. I read scripture. I sought His face. I fasted. I journaled. I put my hope and trust in Him. He came through for me. Although if I’m being honest, I was still incredibly disappointed with my high school experience and sought to redeem myself in college.
I forgot Him in college. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t turn away from Him. I still sought Him, but the desperation that I had in high school was no longer there. I forgot that when I made the Lord my trust, He came through for me.
I entered into the world of striving, and I failed miserably. Time and time again. Every quarter, I got grades that shattered my dreams of becoming valedictorian, salutatorian, top
1%, top 5%, top 15%, top 20%….top 50%….ahhh fuck…. I wasn’t going to graduate with any type of honors…..
Depression set in. Discouragement consumed me. I was an idiot. I didn’t belong at an Ivy League institution. Never mind that I had been identified as gifted since the first grade. Never mind that in the 1st grade I was reading on a 6th grade level and in 6th grade I was reading at a college level. Never mind that I was fucking smart as a whip. I was an idiot. And I didn’t belong here.
But then I would hear stories of people who put their trust in God, people who slacked off and didn’t study half as hard as I did, and yet they still got stellar grades! I would see people who would cheat and who would party and they still got stellar grades.
But as for me? I struggled and never got what I wanted. I strove and only ended up farther from my goal.
And I was bitter and angry. God was allowing all these people to have what I wanted.
It didn’t stop at grades though.
Relationships, boyfriends, husbands, prophetic words, real friends, secret societies, acceptance, honors theses, money, awesome opportunities….
All of these things were things I wanted, things that eluded me but so easily entered the grasp of others.
It was simple. God didn’t love me the way He loved everyone else. He loved others more.
In the face of this perceived rejection, and overwhelming discouragement, I developed an addiction to pornography (fuck it…if God doesn’t want to love me I’ll love my self…sadly porn isn’t love… it’s lust…story for another day), and I found myself in the throes of depression, anxiety and deep, deep self-loathing.
Granted there’s a lot more to the story, but ugh that would take a lifetime.
I’m mad at God because He didn’t redeem my college experience. I’m mad at God because He allowed me to suffer, while others got ahead. I didn’t reap what I sowed, while others reaped where they did not sow. #purefuckery
I’m mad at God because He didn’t disprove the lie that He loves others better and more than He loves me in the way that I wanted him to… and I’m sorry to say that I still believe this stupid fucking lie, and it’s causing me more pain that I could have ever imagined.