You would think that with the way I celebrate people and push them to achieve their dreams that I too would be living a deliciously amazing life right? You’re fucking wrong.
Here I am in America, while my roommates are in Africa and South America.
God told me I would travel the world…. He said it so many times that I started to believe Him.
But I’m still here. Six figures in student loan debt. Barely able to afford rent.
Tonight I was triggered because I went to church to help lead worship. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be anywhere but at church because I was in a shitty mood.
Anyway I’m there and worship is lit…. I’m strumming guitar furiously and my arm, shoulder, wrist and fingers are hurting because we’ve been playing for like an hour.
One of the pastors decides to give a young man a word.
She talks about how he’s so pleasing to the Lord and like David to God…. and how he’s pure and humble and how he’s going to travel the world and make music and his music will heal people from hopelessness. People that were struggling with suicidal ideation would hear his music and be free. He would be able to bring joy to people. He was going to have a real grace with young people. He was super anointed and would have time in the recording studio to make music.
And I found myself absolutely livid.
God weren’t these things all things You promised ME?!?!?!?????
Now You’re promising this guy the same thing…. while I’m over here, trying to be a faithful steward and getting knocked down over and over again.
Sometimes I feel like God is against me. I feel like He doesn’t delight in my way.
I’m angry with Him because He’s allowed me to go through so much traumatizing (haven’t talked much about that…. for a reason), painful shit and then the petty annoyances and grievances of the day…. Other people are living their best lives and I’m stuck in neutral.
If You wanted to subject me to a life of pain and misery, why didn’t You just kill me before I was born. My mom had several miscarriages before me though…. and she received a promise from God that I would be born…. so that would have been devastating to my mom if I were killed….
I guess I’m just tired of feeling all this pain. I’m trying to fight. I’m trying to stop throwing pity parties. I’m trying to work on myself.
And yet everywhere I turn I feel like I’m being mocked and taunted by the Most High. I’m angry because it feels like He’s withholding everything I want in life and letting everyone else enjoy what they want in life.
I’m angry and I don’t know what to do with this anger. I’m talking to Him…. but it just feels strained and strange. It’s hard for me to really talk to Him like I used to. It’s so hard for me to tell Him that I trust Him and that I love Him. We have days…. but it’s never more than that.
And I hate that. Love is supposed to be unconditional. But I just don’t know how to love God in the midst of all this pain.
And it’s terrible because I know that Jesus suffered and died for me on the cross. That should be more than enough for me, right?
Well to be completely honest…. blasphemy or not…. I don’t feel like it is.
I see so many people living their “best lives”. Christians too! Fulfilling the call of God on their lives and having a damn good time. No one is telling them “Oh even if Jesus never did anything else for you, what He did was enough.”
Sometimes I worry that I’ll be the only Christian in the world that doesn’t experience a shift and new season. I worry that everyone will progress and I’ll die here in my own self-imposed wilderness.
I’m angry at God because 7 years is way too long to be living in hell. And yet here I am. And I’m honestly tired. I am tired. I’m afraid that I’ll lose my faith…. no I won’t renounce God, but I’m afraid that I’ll stop caring about Him.
I’m afraid that my heart will become so cold and hard.
One sobering scripture to me is Luke 18:2 – when the Son of Man comes will He find faith on the earth? For years this was my heart’s cry…. Lord let me be found faithful. Let me be found faithful to You when You return..
I’m afraid that if things continue on like this, He won’t find me faithful. Because I will be so bitter and angry that I’ll stop caring about Him and the things that concern Him.
I don’t want to be that way.
But I don’t know how else to stop the pain.