I’ve thought about leaving God before. Never seriously of course. Just a flicker across my mind space.
But I’ll never do it. I’ll never leave him. And here’s why.
- There is literally no one else equipped enough to deal with my pain. Not saying that I alone have suffered more than anyone else in this world because it’s not true. But I’m saying based on my life experience, people just can’t handle all the shit I’ve been through wholesale. Just in pieces. God is the only One brave enough and strong enough to deal with all my pain, dysfunction, brokenness and craziness. Literally #OnlyOneWorthy
- He’s been faithful to me. Gasp lol I actually admitted that out loud. But it’s true. No matter how forsaken and abandoned I feel. The truth is that God has never left me. Never. On my darkest nights, when I was 3 steps away from downing a pill bottle, slitting my wrists, jumping in front of train tracks or completely cracking, He rescued me. He has always been true. Just because my current shitty life circumstances have dulled my ability to see His shine, doesn’t mean He’s any less shiny. Just because I can’t really connect with Him like I used to, doesn’t mean He’s not there. He’s faithful, even in the midst of this darkness I’m going through.
- We’ve been through so much together. So many nights where I cried myself to sleep. So many nights where I couldn’t sleep. So many days where I questioned the reason for my existence. Through family drama, friendship drama, health drama, finance drama…. He’s seen it all. And He’s been my Rock when I was in a hard place. I can’t just throw Him away. We have memories….
- Because He did it before, I know He’ll do it again. Because God has helped me get through some serious shit in the past, I just know that He’ll help me get through this current rough patch.
- He’s given me unwreckable, immovable faith. Noticed I didn’t say unshakeable. I think my faith has been shaken over the years. But it hasn’t been wrecked. My faith has been shaken, but it hasn’t been moved, uprooted and cast away. Because of this unwreckable, immovable faith, I can stay with Him even though I am so deeply angry with Him.
I don’t typically like when people compare one’s relationship with God to marriage/romance because I’m kinda weird about that stuff… working through shit and whatnot.
But I feel like I’m in a loveless marriage with God. We in it for the long haul because we exchanged vows at the cross. But….. I’m not enjoying this relationship anymore. It feels like a chore and I’m really really sad in addition to angry.
God…. I don’t question Your existence. I know You’re there. In fact You’re right next to me. Please help. Let’s make things right again. I don’t want to be bitter and angry towards You anymore. I don’t want to hate You. I don’t want to be in a loveless marriage with You. I don’t want to be in this place of absolute rage and sadness. Please help me see the truth about how You feel about me. I don’t want to die here in this wilderness.