Posted in Emotions

I’m Still Not Over….

….Chester Bennington’s death.

Like what the actual fuck. I’m listening to Linkin Park songs and I can’t stop crying. And as I listen to the words… I cry more…..

I really wish suicide weren’t a thing. I know that God gives us all choices, but I wish that suicide weren’t a choice that could be made.

Guys I don’t even fully understand why I’m still so broken up over this.

All I know is that I’m still really hurt by this. I wish he could have stayed.

I wish he didn’t do this…… I wish he believed that his wounds would heal. I wish he believed that his efforts, his choices, his life mattered in the end.

I wish he didn’t feel so numb.

I wish he didn’t kill himself.

I really really wish he could come back and live another day.

And then I think wow I am so grateful that even through all the shit I’ve been through, and even through all the times I thought about killing myself, I’m glad I’ve never done it. I don’t wish that type of heartbreak on anyone.

Where is the redemption when someone takes their own life? Where is the hope? Where is the comfort?

There’s just a rawness, a sharp pain, throbbing ache….

And the guilt… oh the guilt…. What could we have done???? What did we not do? Why couldn’t we tell that it was going to happen?

The self-loathing because we can’t protect the ones we love from themselves, their illnesses and their choices.

By the way, Numb is my favorite song. Feel free to share yours in the comments.

In any case, I’m praying for Chester Bennington’s family. And I’m praying that with my little life, I can help breathe life into people. Breathe hope. Help people carry their burdens. Remind people that they’re wonderful. That they’re needed. That they’re wanted. Inspire people to live one more day. And another. And another. Until they die of natural causes and not because of depression and suicide.

God I can’t believe Chester Bennington will never make another song again. Excuse me while I go mop the floor with my tears.

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