Posted in So Over.....

Sometimes I Just Want To…….

….curse somebody out.

….flip someone off.

….curse God and die.

 

I woke up this morning and found out that the school I work for docked my pay by $429.60. That is an ENTIRE car payment AND gas money.

I was soooooooo angry. I cried as quietly as I could, given that I have roommates.

I read scripture. I journaled.

I’m trying to understand. But there is nothing to understand. This is my life.

I need every single dollar that comes my way. And yet now I will be several hundred dollars short. I hate this place so much.

I’m also really angry at God. He just keeps letting shit happen. For what reason? What is Your purpose God? Didn’t Your word say “After you have suffered a little while the God of all comfort will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you?”

THIS IS MORE THAN A LITTLE WHILE! This is day after day. Week after week. Month after month. FOR YEARS! FOR YEARS I have struggled to deal with the reality that is my shitty life. Not once have I felt like a success, in any area! No goals have been met. None. This year I decided to throw all my goals away and “follow You”…..and this is where I ended up.

I don’t understand You God. I don’t know why You’re doing this to me…. or at the very least letting it happen. I don’t know how any of this could be love. I really don’t. But I’m here.

Posted in So Over.....

I Am So Over This Job

I HATE THIS FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!

Make a difference they said.

Change and transform lives they said.

Help inner city youth they said.

Children are the future they said.

And here I am, with beautiful, rebellious diamonds in the rough.

I love these children

And yet being with them makes me want to pull all my hair out.

I love these children

And yet being in this job makes me want to kill myself

I love these children

And yet every day I can’t help but think “I hate this fucking job”

I love these children

And yet I hate teaching them Biology

I hate teaching them classroom management.

I hate nagging them

I hate telling them what to do fifty million times as if they are 5 years old

I hate that my administration blames me for their STUPID FUCKING BEHAVIORS

I hate that everything is my fault

It’s always the teacher’s fault.

I hate dealing with attitudes

I hate dealing with laziness

DAY IN AND DAY OUT IT DOES NOT STOP! It is a sickening, relentless wave of foolishness and disrespect. WHY? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT?

How THE FUCK did I end up here?

Posted in Heart's Desires

What If I….

…forget about him?

…live my life as though he did not exist?

…chase my dreams, even though being with him is my dream?

…forget about love and romance, and focus on self-love and self-care?

…forget about marriage and children, and focus on changing the world?

…forget about trying to change him and focus on changing myself?

…forget about his happiness and think about my happiness?

…just do me?

Posted in Heart's Desires, Relationships

I Don’t Know Why I Do This

Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment.

Maybe I’m insane. Delusional.

But every time you text me, I text back, thinking that things will be different.

You draw me in with your pretty words.

You draw me in with your inconsistent care.

And then frustration shakes me awake. Why do I make myself so available for you?

You don’t give me half the time, emotion and energy that I devote to you. You take what I give you, and like a miserly penny-pincher, you barely give me anything in return.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of you. I want my heart back. I want my mind back. I want my time back. I want my life back.

I don’t know why I give you so much of myself, when you give me so little.

But this I know for sure, your time is up.

Posted in Heart's Desires

I Told My Heart To Forget You

It’s you again.

I deleted our conversations. Deleted your number. I told my heart to forget you. And yet my mind hoards memories like a starving orphan. My heart stirs with treacherous longing.

The look in your eyes. I can’t forget the way your eyes would light up when you saw me. The ways your eyes would flash with delight and desire. The boyish smirk that would cross your lips when I told funny stories.

Your laugh. A study in contrasts. Your head would droop, your eyes would shut tightly. Your torso would shake so violently, and yet you’d barely make a sound. I loved making you laugh.

Your voice during our late night conversations was enough to make my body ache with lust and desire. You never had to touch me. You just had to speak and I would long to be in your arms.

I told my heart to forget you. My heart is a rogue renegade. I try to build case after case against you:

  • Your breath stinks….sometimes lol
  • Your teeth… are crooked
  • You’ve slept with one woman, and kissed a few others… so easily… always so easily
  • You are prideful
  • You are deeply wounded
  • You are confused
  • You think you want a Latina…. a Latina I am not
  • You’re weird…awkward… and sometimes annoying
  • You’re not as mature as I would expect for someone of your age
  • You’re not as accomplished as I would like for someone of your age
  • You don’t reciprocate in the ways that I want you to
  • You don’t love me and appreciate me the way I want you to

But these petty grievances are not enough to quench the burning ache. I FUCKING LOVE YOU! I want to be with you.

  • You’re so passionate
  • Your sense of humor has me laughing for days and constantly on my toes
  • You want to do better
  • You love people
  • You are oh so intelligent, and oh so humble about it… to the point of insecurity, which is really sad
  • You’re tall
  • When it’s summer, your skin tans to a delicious light brown…. like caramel #melaninpoppin
  • You’re handsome. Your hair, your smile (I love your smirk), your body (that I haven’t seen lol. Virgin here)… especially your arms. How many times have I imagined those same arms holding me
  • Your inner strength…. you’ve gone through shit. And yet you’re still here, still kicking
  • Your faith.

I told my heart to forget you. As I drowned my sorrows in bitterness, eating its fruits, I thought that at last, at last I had reached the point of no return. I was ready to bid you adieu once and for all. I imagined you moving to NY and finding another woman… a Latina to be with, that would make you happy. I imagined feeling so free and happy for you. I was ready to move on. Or so I thought.

But my fucking heart. Can’t. Forget. You.

 

 

 

Posted in So Over.....

So Over Limiting Myself….I’ve Got Options!!!!!

I graduated from not one, but TWO Ivy League Schools.

Dartmouth Class of 2014.

University of Pennsylvania Class of 2016.

I’m not an idiot! I’ve got connections! Networks! Options!

Never should I ever feel like I’m stuck and have no where to go! I just need to keep searching. Never give up.

There are plenty of people who don’t have HALF of what I have, and yet they are out there, making MILLIONS and BILLIONS!

Why do I constantly shortchange, underestimate and limit myself?

I’m done with that! Time to flex my mental resources, intellect, social capital and relational equity. This is not a time to sit back and feel at the mercy of someone else’s actions.

I AM AT THE MERCY OF NO ONE BUT GOD!!! PEOPLE CANNOT STOP ME! NOTHING WILL DULL MY SHINE. EVERY DISAPPOINTMENT AND SETBACK WILL ONLY BRING ME CLOSER TO MY DESTINY!!!

 

Posted in So Over.....

I Was…. I Am….

I was angry this morning that my administrators wasted my time. My meeting was scheduled for 9:00 am this morning. I HAD TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW. They didn’t show up. I had to text one of them to find out that they had rescheduled my meeting for Monday morning at 9:00 am. I guess I was somehow supposed to know by osmosis that they changed the meeting time.

I am fine now. People are going to do stupid, inconsiderate shit. No need to let it ruin my day.

I was kinda semi-depressed that I didn’t have my meeting today because I wanted some closure. Really wanted to know if I was fired today or not. Guess I’ll have to wait on Monday. I slept most of the morning.

I am no longer down. I’m currently applying to jobs.

I was bitter that shit keeps going down in my life. Would love a good break.

I am now over being bitter. And doing what I can to build myself up… because no one else is going to do it for me.

I was anxious this morning that I would cry at my meeting. I was nervous that I would make a fool of myself.

I am now at peace. I have no more tears to cry and even if I did, these people don’t deserve my tears.

I was afraid that they would rip me from my beloved high schoolers that I have grown to love and cherish.

I am ok with that possibility. The time I had with my kids is a gift. If I get to have any more time with them, that’s cool. If not, that’s fine also. I will have plenty more opportunities to influence and impact the lives of high school students. It’s possible that being a classroom teacher isn’t for me. And that’s ok. There are many more ways to educate people.

I was angry, bitter, afraid. I am none of those things now. I am inspired. I am ready to face the music. I am ready to fly.

Posted in Heart's Desires, Letters to Self

Letter to My 30 Year Old Self

I’m turning 25 in July, and it’s making me think more and more about my future. So I decided to write a letter to my 30 year old self.

Dear 30 Year Old Self,

Greetings from your past! Currently life is kinda hard. You’re in transition. You’ve been suspended from your job and you have no idea whether you’ll be fired. You are over $125,000 in debt, and are making less than $40,000 a year. You are struggling to understand where God is in all of your mess, but you haven’t given up faith or hope. Even though your 24 year old self has gotten the shit knocked out of her, she is still ever optimistic. Here is what your 24 year old self is hoping for you in the future.

  1. She hopes that you have forgiven yourself for all past mistakes. Shit happened. Move on. Get over it.
  2. She hopes that you have forgiven everyone who has done you wrong. Shit happened. Move on. Get over it.
  3. She hopes that you have learned to love yourself well and are comfortable in your own skin. You are an incredible human being. You are unique. To admit that is not entitlement, arrogance or conceit. It’s stating facts.
  4. She hopes that you have learned to control your thoughts better. You are not a victim of your mind. You can cultivate your mental garden. It takes discipline, but you can do it.
  5. She hopes that you are debt free!!!!
  6. She hopes that you are making HELLA BANK! You’ve worked so hard for so long. Hopefully you’re enjoying the fruits of your labors.
  7. She hopes that you are with a man who is deeply in love with you and devoted to you. You are such an extravagant lover. Hopefully you’re with someone who reciprocates that.
  8. She hopes that you are free from your approval addiction. You can do bad and good all by yourself. You don’t need people to tell you what you already know.
  9. She hopes that you are doing what you love. Life is too short to waste time on frivolous and meaningless pursuits.
  10. She hopes that you are enjoying healthy, balanced relationships with family and friends. These kinds of relationships are important and not to be taken for granted.
  11. She hopes that you have furthered your education and have gained more skills and connections. Hopefully you’ve graduated from Harvard with a JD/MBA. Hopefully you’ve met some amazing people and have had the opportunity to not just learn and glean from them, but also add value to their lives.
  12. She hopes that you are currently owning your own business, if not several. Entrepreneurship has always been on your heart and mind. Hopefully you’re living the dream.
  13. She hopes that you matured in your faith. Hopefully you have a greater perspective on the purpose of suffering, and the beauty of redemption
  14. She hopes that you have added value to many people’s lives and are living your dream of making the world a better place.
  15. She hopes that you have travelled extensively and have experienced the delicious cuisines and the beautiful landscapes of many other countries and cultures
  16. She hopes that you are enjoying life, are content and are grateful for every minute
Posted in Heart's Desires

So Over Mediocrity

So lol I have a lot of thoughts today. Lots of questions. Lots of desires. Lots of dreams. Lots of realizations.

One realization I had today is the extent to which I’ve allowed mediocrity to infiltrate every aspect of my life. I settle for just good enough time and time again. I set low-hanging fruit goals and deceive myself into thinking that I’m doing well.

I take on the values and metrics of other people… and allow other people’s ideas of excellence to inform my definitions of what excellence looks like.

No more. I define what excellence looks like. I create the standard. I’m done doing just good enough. Obviously this is easier said than done, and it’s a journey. But I’m tired of living a life far below my potential. When was the last time you were hungry for excellence? When everything within you cried out to be awesome and to do awesome?

I think back to certain experiences I’ve had over the past few years, when I pushed myself to create excellence (my Master’s thesis, countless other research projects and papers, etc). I can’t let anyone beat out my drive and ambition. I can’t let anyone allow me to settle for less. Not even myself.

I’m so over mediocrity.

Posted in Relationships, So Over.....

So Over Waiting for People To Validate and Appreciate ME

This is going to be a short one lol.

All my life I’ve looked for the approval of others. I’ve looked to others for advice, encouragement, support, appreciation.

No more. We need other people, this is true. But we do ourselves a disservice when we build our identity around what other people can and can’t give us. What other people will and won’t do for us.

There are plenty of people that I love and care about. I reach out to them and try to maintain relationships and connection. They don’t give me back that same energy. I pine and beg for reciprocity. Fuck that. No more. I will be who I am. I will love others if I choose to, regardless of what they do or don’t do for me. I won’t look to them for my worth and value. I am worthy and valuable. I’m awesome. The actions and inactions of others don’t affirm or negate that.

I’m so over waiting for people to validate and appreciate me.