All posts by sooverit17

So Over……Fear of Man

So I’m turning 26 in 4 days and I’ve made some choices that make me wonder:

 

What would it look like to make decisions from a place of being true and authentic to MYSELF and not what other people think of me?

What would it look like to make decisions not out of a fear of hurting people’s feelings, but rather from a place where I can acknowledge the emotions of others and yet, not feel committed to them or responsible for them?

What would it look like to have healthy boundaries? With myself? With others?

What would it look like to say yes and mean it? To say no and not feel guilty?

What would it look like to consider the opinions of others but to not be ruled by them?

What would it look like to be completely confident in who I was created to be and called to do and not be swayed by the convictions of others?

What would it look like to be SO OVER the fear of man?

I intend to find out. I feel a challenge brewing…… 🙂

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It’ll Happen Eventually…If You Wait Long Enough…So Why Cry During the Wait?

This post’s title is self-explanatory.

On July 9th, I will once again re-enter the working world. It’s been a year since I was fired from my previous job, and after what seems like hundreds of applications and dashed hopes and dreams, I’ve been offered an unlikely role in the unlikeliest of places.

On my best days I thank God for answered prayers.

On my worst days I fear that I’m making a horrible mistake.

If I were a better entrepreneur with more hustle, maybe I wouldn’t have to have a job.

If I had more tenacity and grit, I would be debt-free and rich.

Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, but whatever the case may be, one thing I know is true:

 

I wasted so much time beating myself up over not having a job and not having enough money.

I wasted so much time being anxious about not having a job and not having enough money.

I had so many days where I felt like less of a human being because I kept getting rejection letters.

And now, I have a job. And I’m starting work in less than two weeks.

It just makes me wonder.

 

In an instant. Everything can change.

One minute you’re jobless, the next, you’re employed.

One minute you’re wrestling with a business idea, the next your startup is wildly profitable and successful.

One minute you’re crying over being single and unwanted, the next you’re in a relationship on the path to marriage.

One minute you’re crying because all of your married friends are having babies, the next you are pregnant yourself.

In an instant, everything can change, and yet we spend so much time crying and wringing our hands and making ourselves sick with worry because it seems like things won’t ever change.

What does it look like to live with expectation and hope that things will get better, while living fully content in the present moment smack dab in the middle of the process?

I don’t know. But I don’t want to cry away the days anymore.

I don’t want to pine while I wait.

I want to be patient, persevering and positive in the process.

 

The Cure to Self-Loathing……?

I was making progress…. so I thought.

Self-love, self-care…. self-appreciation.

I was on the path to acceptance and forgiveness.

I was at a place where I could say the words “I deserve” and actually believe it.

And then I tripped, slipped and fell.

Fell back.

Only to realize that my progress wasn’t progress after all. It was an illusion.

Treatments aren’t substitutions for cures.

To treat is to manage and to allow something to exist in some form as long as it doesn’t impede “normal functioning”.

I had been managing my self-loathing but I never really dealt with it head on.

If perfect love drives out all fear, then please tell me what is the cure to self-loathing?

Confessions of an Age-Obsessed Control-Freak

My identity is wrapped up in my age and what I can accomplish while I’m “young”.

As the years pass me by and the time left to accomplish certain milestones diminishes, I feel a distinct and penetrating sorrow.

Unlike folklorists and tellers of tales, there is no fountain of youth and I will not be young  forever.

I see life as a sprint even though conventional wisdom tells me it’s a marathon.

I try to stay in my lane and keep my eyes fixed on my goals but I get distracted easily.

This one just got married, and that one had her first child.

Oh look at that runner. They paid off all their student loans. And that runner is the owner of a multimillion dollar enterprise on track to gross 1 billion within the next five years.

And as for me? What accomplishments have I achieved in my life’s race. Nothing I’m proud of sorry to say.

I got two Ivy League degrees by 23, and yet it took me 12 months to get a job.

I have never had sex, nor have I ever been in a relationship…. but friends who have done all these things and more are getting married.

My student loans are growing, growing, growing faster than my business and my checking account.

They say count your blessings and name them one by one.

But I get distracted by the problems.

I get distracted by the ticking of the clock.

I get distracted by other people who seem to have what I am trying to work towards.

I get distracted by my feelings and thoughts.

I get distracted by things I can’t control.

I get distracted by my disappointments and failures.

I get distracted by my frailty and humanity.

How do I get my focus back, so I can run my race to win?

 

Generalized Comparison Disorder

I looked upon her Instagram

And saw her wrapped around a man

Upon her finger I did see

A diamond sparkling blindingly

Her eyes were moist, her smile was wide

At last she was to be a bride.

 

One fateful day not long ago

I ran the six with all my woes

I took a break to catch my breath

I smiled and laughed. I cheated death!

I took my phone so I could stall

And got distracted by a call

I lied… it was a text to me

A friend who wanted to share her glee

She had received such wondrous news

So many options, from which to choose

She called to share and seek advice

I answered and listened just to be nice

 

Inside I feel so left behind

I feel entrapped within my mind

My failures, choices, faults and all

Have come to bear, and I’m appalled

I feel like I should be farther along

My life should be singing a different song

I feel as empty as empty could be

As I barely cling to my sanity.