Category Archives: Emotions

My Resolve

I’ve been focused and studying for the past few hours but I had a thought and wanted to get it off my chest.

I want to go to Harvard for my JD/MBA. That’s just #facts

I’d accept Stanford, Wharton or Yale (although I don’t want a Yale MBA).

If I don’t get into Harvard or any of the aforementioned schools for my JD/MBA, I’m going to forget about going back to school and I’m going to chase my dreams.

I’m going to figure out how to build several successful social enterprises and for-profit companies without Harvard.

I’m going to figure out how to be a multi-billionaire without Harvard.

I’m going to figure out how to travel the world and live out my calling spreading the love of Jesus without Harvard.

I’m going to figure out how to influence the seven mountains of culture without Harvard.

I’m going to live my best life and I’m going to enjoy my life without Harvard.

That’s only if I don’t get in.

If I do get in, though, then of course I’ll enjoy myself while there, and do all of the aforementioned things with the resources, connections and opportunities that God provides me.

The point of it all is this. I’m my own best secret weapon. I am sufficient. Everything I need to fulfill God’s call on my life is in me. I hang my life on Jesus and on who He made me to be. Not on Harvard. I am who I am today and I will be who I will be tomorrow with or without Harvard.

THAT I believe is the definition of living life with an open hand.

Toodle loo.

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Encourage Myself in The Lord

God whatever doors You’ve opened for me are for me and I won’t let the lack of money and the lack of the generosity of others stop me.

I will do what You’ve called me to do.

You promised me that people would come alongside me to bring to fruition the visions and ideas You’ve put inside my head and heart.

I stepped out in faith, and it feels like You left me out to dry.

But I know my feelings have lied to me before.

God I choose to recklessly abandon all the pain and hurt and disappointment and frustration of the past and press into Your promises.

You promised and You will act.

My eyes above what it looks like, my eyes above what it looks like. I will only see, what You promised me. 

God have Your way.

You’ve provided for me in the past, and You will provide for me again.

You promised. And I choose to no longer doubt what You’ve said.

My faith beyond what it feels like, my faith beyond what it feels like, all the way to You, all the way to breakthrough breakthrough.

I will experience breakthrough in every area of my life.

And that breakthrough is not dependent upon a single human being.

It’s dependent on You.

You began this work in me.

You chose to bring me into this earth. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live.

You brought me here. You fashioned my future and destiny before the foundations of the world.

You promised that You would complete the work You started in me.

So I’m holding You to Your promises.

I’m holding on and I won’t let go, no matter who may disappoint me. No matter what I may face.

I will rise again and again and again.

No one can keep me down.

Nothing can hold me back.

Not depression, oppression, anger, jealousy, envy, confusion, overwhelm, fear, discouragement, hatred, frustration.

Nothing.

A new day is dawning and I can finally see the light.

And I won’t stop chasing until I’ve apprehended The Sun.

 

Catch-22

I don’t know how to dream and surrender at the same time.

I don’t even know what that means.

I feel like I’m in a paradox.

Somehow I’m supposed to have desires and goals and things I want to see fulfilled.

But I’m also supposed to “let go and let God”.

I’m supposed to lose my life.

I’m supposed to let Him have His way.

I’m supposed to surrender everything to Him.

I don’t know what that means in the grand scheme of things.

God what are You saying. What does it look like to live life with an open hand?

Battlefield of the Mind: Win or Lose?

I have been fighting so hard to not wallow in the pool of negativity that awaits me.

So many thoughts attack me day and night.

Tears flow unbidden.

Frustration peaks, as hope wanes.

I push past my feelings to declare the truth:

You are the Lord. You are good. You are perfect in all of Your ways. You are a Provider. You are faithful.

I say these words with gritted teeth, as my heart pounds and my head throbs.

I am in trouble.

I am tired.

But I am not defeated and I still have time.

Lord don’t let me be put to shame.

If the battle truly is Yours, then fight this fight.

 

Not Evil Just Miserably Discontent

I joked with a friend after complaining about another friend (yeah I’m that friend) and asked:

“Why am I so evil?”

I don’t know why I asked. I know I’m not evil. I know what I am.

I’m tired of being here.

And I’m tired of being reminded that I’m still in the same place, while other people are moving forward.

So I’d rather not see anyone progress. Not that I want them to fail. I just don’t want to “see” anyone else moving forward. I don’t want to “see” anyone period. That’s honestly what it comes down to. I want to be alone.

I want to hide myself in a cocoon and focus on myself until I’m healthy enough to enjoy where I am in the process and also celebrate where other people are along their journeys without feeling like an absolute failure in life and without getting super angry at God.

As part of this journey to authenticity, I’ve begun phasing out social media. I deactivated my Instagram.

I also blocked Instagram and Facebook off of my phone.

Next I will be deactivating my Facebook.

I’ve lost my way. I used to be a cheerleader for people’s dreams. And now bitterness, frustration, comparison and disappointment have made me a hater. And I’m not a hater.

So because I’ve lost my way, I need to do what it takes to find it again.

Because I wasn’t born to hate. I was born to shine.

 

I’m Getting Stronger Mentally

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’ve come a long way since that fateful day my junior year, when I told you I didn’t want to be a doctor anymore.

Your anger, threats, disapproval and mockery of me and my decision and my dreams just about drove me into a downward spiral of despair. My mind became fractured, and my struggle with anxiety and depression intensified.

I would try to think about my future, but each thought would be crowded out my millions of thoughts passing at breakneck speed, most of them thoughts of failure, fear, self-doubt and self-hatred. Confusion drowned my consciousness like embalming fluid submerges a corpse.

I could not think straight.

I began to live for one day at a time, so that I did not have to think so hard and cry myself to sleep as I did for months and months at first.

I wanted to die. I felt like I had lost my sense of self and I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Flash forward a few years….. a few more years of struggle with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation….and then….and then….

ANGER.

I got angry at how much of my life was stolen away by my fear of your disapproval.

So I fought back. I told you the truth about how I felt. At times I stopped talking to you while I rebuilt my sense of self.

And here we are!

I’m living to pursue my dreams and God’s call on my life.

You still have your doubts. You’re still trying to persuade me to go to medical school. You still are worried that I will end up poor and financially unstable.

I know my current situation doesn’t bring you much hope for the future.

I know my current situation makes me look like a hopeless failure.

I know this has been painful for you to see me struggle and stumble my way through the first half of my 20s.

You laugh at me when I share my wildest, craziest dreams with you.

You shake your head at me when I imagine how my life could be different. How I could end up doing something different. How idealistic of me. How foolish and naïve of me to think such grand thoughts.

Mom and Dad, I don’t blame you for laughing. I’m not even mad at you anymore.

I no longer get angry when you suggest I go to med school.

Your disapproval of my choices no longer drives me to anxiety and depression.

I am stronger now.

I believe in myself.

And mark my words. The both of you will have first class plane tickets and front row seats to my success.

Mark my words.