Posted in Emotions

I’m Still Not Over….

….Chester Bennington’s death.

Like what the actual fuck. I’m listening to Linkin Park songs and I can’t stop crying. And as I listen to the words… I cry more…..

I really wish suicide weren’t a thing. I know that God gives us all choices, but I wish that suicide weren’t a choice that could be made.

Guys I don’t even fully understand why I’m still so broken up over this.

All I know is that I’m still really hurt by this. I wish he could have stayed.

I wish he didn’t do this…… I wish he believed that his wounds would heal. I wish he believed that his efforts, his choices, his life mattered in the end.

I wish he didn’t feel so numb.

I wish he didn’t kill himself.

I really really wish he could come back and live another day.

And then I think wow I am so grateful that even through all the shit I’ve been through, and even through all the times I thought about killing myself, I’m glad I’ve never done it. I don’t wish that type of heartbreak on anyone.

Where is the redemption when someone takes their own life? Where is the hope? Where is the comfort?

There’s just a rawness, a sharp pain, throbbing ache….

And the guilt… oh the guilt…. What could we have done???? What did we not do? Why couldn’t we tell that it was going to happen?

The self-loathing because we can’t protect the ones we love from themselves, their illnesses and their choices.

By the way, Numb is my favorite song. Feel free to share yours in the comments.

In any case, I’m praying for Chester Bennington’s family. And I’m praying that with my little life, I can help breathe life into people. Breathe hope. Help people carry their burdens. Remind people that they’re wonderful. That they’re needed. That they’re wanted. Inspire people to live one more day. And another. And another. Until they die of natural causes and not because of depression and suicide.

God I can’t believe Chester Bennington will never make another song again. Excuse me while I go mop the floor with my tears.

Posted in Emotions, Hustle Hard

Why I’m Moving Back Home at 25

  1. Because I want to save money. I’m tired of throwing thousands of dollars away on rent when I could live at home for free
  2. Because I want to take advantage of all that my home state and surrounding metropolitan areas have to offer. #unparalleled #unrivaled #itslit
  3. I want to heal from all the shit that went down while I lived in this city away from home for 3 years. I got my heart broken in more ways than one, by several people, and I just want some distance away from those people. Geographical distance in my experience, helps to bring emotional distance also.
  4. I want to focus on my health and fitness. I want to be whole and prosper. This is easier to do when I’m not overworking myself to be able to pay rent and other bills.
  5. I sense God’s leading. I feel like God is making a way for me to go back home, and I think it’s best I follow.
  6. I want to be closer to family. Having to drive 2.5-3 hours to see family every few weeks is draining. I don’t like long commutes. Now I won’t have to do that.
  7. This may be the last time I spend this much time with family before I get married. I want to make the most of it #truefacts
  8. When I go back to school in 2019, by the grace of God, I’m never living at home for an extended period of time again. Let me get this out of my system #Itslit
  9. I’m trying to make hella $$$$ (I have business ideas out the wazoo and target markets waiting for me).
  10. I want to start some social impact shit. And make the world a better place, starting in my hometown where I was born and raised.
  11. I want to learn my mom’s cooking, create a recipe book and keep it preserved for all posterity #mymommytaughtme

 

There you have it people. Not all quarterlifers go back home to be moochers. Some of us have goals and shit we wanna accomplish. Don’t let the haters get you. Don’t be ashamed to take a step back so you can run forward and head to where you’re actually going. Sometimes backward motion isn’t always regression. Sometimes it’s a set up for great advancement. #changeyourperspective

Posted in Emotions, Relationships

Vent Sesh: Roomies Vo.1

I promised I would keep it real, even if being real means I’m petty.

When it was just me and one other roomie, everything was groovy. Sure she was annoying and drained me of energy but we were still cool though!!!!!

When I got more roomies, shit happened…. cliques were formed and I found myself on the outside looking in.

This rejection took root in my heart soon after we signed the lease and it’s still there today

And because of the pain in my heart, every action my roommates take is seen through a lens of suspicion, pain and mistrust…

I don’t trust them. I expect the worst of them.

Something as silly as Instagram likes or lack thereof can set me off. Prime example:

One of my roommates (we’ll call her Artemis), the one I lived with first, has started liking all of the other pics of the other roommate (Gift)…. while she barely likes any of my own pictures…. no idea why…..

Mind you, Gift doesn’t have the history that Artemis and I have. So why is Artemis being so “joe” as they say in the city I live in? Why is she being so extra? Why is she making it a point to like all of Gift’s IG pics while ignoring my own? I’ll also state that Gift does the exact same thing. She’ll like all of Artemis’ pics and studiously ignore my own. So how did this strange dynamic start?

Let me break it down. It starts kinda like this….

Artemis and I did TFA together and have lived together for 3 years. I’ve been with Artemis through some serious shit, and she’s been there for me.

Gift and I were friends before she and Artemis were friends.

But then we all decided to move together with a 4th roommate called Asparagus. Asparagus and I met before Artemis and I met and before Gift and I met. Asparagus and I developed our friendship concurrently with my relationship with Artemis…

I stopped trusting Asparagus, however, after she started actively pursuing a young man that she knew I liked (I pretty much told her I liked him… I say pretty much because I was talking to Artemis and Asparagus listened intently to the conversation even though she wasn’t invited to participate). So I stopped trusting her… and yet she became 4th roommate, because we were desperate.

It was then when we all moved together that hella cliques were formed. Asparagus, Artemis and Gift started doing stuff without me, and it made me really, really angry, given I already have emotional crap that I’m trying to work on (insecurities and nonsense like that). A lot more shit went down but I’m already tired of recapping. It’s been a shitty year living with these ladies… sorry to say. They’re not evil. They have good hearts. They’re kind and sweet. They’ve just done stupid things… out of jealousy…and other human emotions.

In any case. But Asparagus moved back to Idaho earlier in the year. Praise the Lord.

But Artemis and Gift remained… and I was forced to deal with that dynamic. It’s like I wasn’t the common thread anymore, and I found myself constantly edged out and constantly excluded.

That’s part of the reason why I’m moving out… not a major reason but definitely part of it. I don’t want to be somewhere I don’t feel comfortable, celebrated and wanted. I don’t like dealing with petty shit, namely jealousy, catty emotions and other foolish things.

I’m just tired of dealing with cattiness. This is why I don’t do friendships for real. This is why I can’t do #squads… this is why I hate #cliques… this is why I only deal with friends one person at a time…

Can’t wait to get out of here. I really should unfollow and unfriend all of them… Or maybe I can find a way to hide them from my feed? Idk. I just want to put all of this behind me.

 

Posted in Emotions, Heart's Desires, Prayers

Rededicating My Life

So I rededicated my life back to God this morning.

It was a combination of factors:

  1. Weariness of being angry and bitter with Him
  2. Weariness of my confusion concerning my life’s purpose
  3. Listening to Jonathan McReynold’s performances, reading his blogs and scrolling through his Instagram (check out No Gray)
  4. Reading through parts of Without Rival by Lisa Bevere
  5. Reading scripture
  6. A deep desire for more
  7. Holy Spirit’s conviction
  8. Him drawing me back to Himself

 

My life is not my own, for it was bought with a price. What does it profit me if I gain the whole world but lose my soul? I want to receive the Crown of Life He promised me.

I don’t want to live my life in vain.

I don’t want to pursue a JD/MBA/MPP/PhD in vain.

I don’t want to pursue financial independence and debt freedom in vain.

I don’t want to be so focused pursuing my goals that I lose sight of the most important thing: JESUS.

I lost my way. Like a prodigal daughter I turned my heart away from my Father. In anger, in my distorted view, I focused on my passions, my lusts and my desires until they sickened me, until there was no more pleasure to be derived from them.

I’m literally at a point where I cannot continue as I have been. There’s no reason to continue living this way.

I need Him.

I’m tired of being angry.

I’m tired of crying bitter tears.

I’m tired of trying to live without Him.

I’m tired of striving.

Matthew 6:33, 1 Corinthians 2:9 and Ephesians 3:20 are 3 of my life scriptures, and they go hand in hand.

Matthew 6:33 – Seek first the kingdom of God and all righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

1 Corinthians 2:9 – Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.

Ephesians 3:20 – Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all you can ask, think or imagine……

Somewhere in the depths of my depression, I forgot the truth.

Now that I’ve made the decision to rededicate. I need to maintain my commitment. I’m going on a detox (spirit, soul and body).

As I feel led, I’ll share what I learn along the way.

Blessings to y’all. And as always, I promise to keep it very real.

Posted in Emotions, Prayers

Why I Can’t Leave God Even Though I’m So Angry With Him

I’ve thought about leaving God before. Never seriously of course. Just a flicker across my mind space.

But I’ll never do it. I’ll never leave him. And here’s why.

  1. There is literally no one else equipped enough to deal with my pain. Not saying that I alone have suffered more than anyone else in this world because it’s not true. But I’m saying based on my life experience, people just can’t handle all the shit I’ve been through wholesale. Just in pieces. God is the only One brave enough and strong enough to deal with all my pain, dysfunction, brokenness and craziness. Literally #OnlyOneWorthy
  2. He’s been faithful to me. Gasp lol I actually admitted that out loud. But it’s true. No matter how forsaken and abandoned I feel. The truth is that God has never left me. Never. On my darkest nights, when I was 3 steps away from downing a pill bottle, slitting my wrists, jumping in front of train tracks or completely cracking, He rescued me. He has always been true. Just because my current shitty life circumstances have dulled my ability to see His shine, doesn’t mean He’s any less shiny. Just because I can’t really connect with Him like I used to, doesn’t mean He’s not there. He’s faithful, even in the midst of this darkness I’m going through.
  3. We’ve been through so much together. So many nights where I cried myself to sleep. So many nights where I couldn’t sleep. So many days where I questioned the reason for my existence. Through family drama, friendship drama, health drama, finance drama…. He’s seen it all. And He’s been my Rock when I was in a hard place. I can’t just throw Him away. We have memories….
  4. Because He did it before, I know He’ll do it again. Because God has helped me get through some serious shit in the past, I just know that He’ll help me get through this current rough patch.
  5. He’s given me unwreckable, immovable faith. Noticed I didn’t say unshakeable. I think my faith has been shaken over the years. But it hasn’t been wrecked. My faith has been shaken, but it hasn’t been moved, uprooted and cast away. Because of this unwreckable, immovable faith, I can stay with Him even though I am so deeply angry with Him.

 

I don’t typically like when people compare one’s relationship with God to marriage/romance because I’m kinda weird about that stuff… working through shit and whatnot.

But I feel like I’m in a loveless marriage with God. We in it for the long haul because we exchanged vows at the cross. But….. I’m not enjoying this relationship anymore. It feels like a chore and I’m really really sad in addition to angry.

God…. I don’t question Your existence. I know You’re there. In fact You’re right next to me. Please help. Let’s make things right again. I don’t want to be bitter and angry towards You anymore. I don’t want to hate You. I don’t want to be in a loveless marriage with You. I don’t want to be in this place of ¬†absolute rage and sadness. Please help me see the truth about how You feel about me. I don’t want to die here in this wilderness.

Posted in Emotions

Why I Am So Angry At God: Part 3

You would think that with the way I celebrate people and push them to achieve their dreams that I too would be living a deliciously amazing life right? You’re fucking wrong.

Here I am in America, while my roommates are in Africa and South America.

God told me I would travel the world…. He said it so many times that I started to believe Him.

But I’m still here. Six figures in student loan debt. Barely able to afford rent.

Tonight I was triggered because I went to church to help lead worship. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be anywhere but at church because I was in a shitty mood.

Anyway I’m there and worship is lit…. I’m strumming guitar furiously and my arm, shoulder, wrist and fingers are hurting because we’ve been playing for like an hour.

One of the pastors decides to give a young man a word.

She talks about how he’s so pleasing to the Lord and like David to God…. and how he’s pure and humble and how he’s going to travel the world and make music and his music will heal people from hopelessness. People that were struggling with suicidal ideation would hear his music and be free. He would be able to bring joy to people. He was going to have a real grace with young people. He was super anointed and would have time in the recording studio to make music.

And I found myself absolutely livid.

God weren’t these things all things You promised ME?!?!?!?????

Now You’re promising this guy the same thing…. while I’m over here, trying to be a faithful steward and getting knocked down over and over again.

Sometimes I feel like God is against me. I feel like He doesn’t delight in my way.

I’m angry with Him because He’s allowed me to go through so much traumatizing (haven’t talked much about that…. for a reason), painful shit and then the petty annoyances and grievances of the day…. Other people are living their best lives and I’m stuck in neutral.

If You wanted to subject me to a life of pain and misery, why didn’t You just kill me before I was born. My mom had several miscarriages before me though…. and she received a promise from God that I would be born…. so that would have been devastating to my mom if I were killed….

I guess I’m just tired of feeling all this pain. I’m trying to fight. I’m trying to stop throwing pity parties. I’m trying to work on myself.

And yet everywhere I turn I feel like I’m being mocked and taunted by the Most High. I’m angry because it feels like He’s withholding everything I want in life and letting everyone else enjoy what they want in life.

I’m angry and I don’t know what to do with this anger. I’m talking to Him…. but it just feels strained and strange. It’s hard for me to really talk to Him like I used to. It’s so hard for me to tell Him that I trust Him and that I love Him. We have days…. but it’s never more than that.

And I hate that. Love is supposed to be unconditional. But I just don’t know how to love God in the midst of all this pain.

And it’s terrible because I know that Jesus suffered and died for me on the cross. That should be more than enough for me, right?

Well to be completely honest…. blasphemy or not…. I don’t feel like it is.

I see so many people living their “best lives”. Christians too! Fulfilling the call of God on their lives and having a damn good time. No one is telling them “Oh even if Jesus never did anything else for you, what He did was enough.”

Sometimes I worry that I’ll be the only Christian in the world that doesn’t experience a shift and new season. I worry that everyone will progress and I’ll die here in my own self-imposed wilderness.

I’m angry at God because 7 years is way too long to be living in hell. And yet here I am. And I’m honestly tired. I am tired. I’m afraid that I’ll lose my faith…. no I won’t renounce God, but I’m afraid that I’ll stop caring about Him.

I’m afraid that my heart will become so cold and hard.

One sobering scripture to me is Luke 18:2 – when the Son of Man comes will He find faith on the earth? For years this was my heart’s cry…. Lord let me be found faithful. Let me be found faithful to You when You return..

I’m afraid that if things continue on like this, He won’t find me faithful. Because I will be so bitter and angry that I’ll stop caring about Him and the things that concern Him.

I don’t want to be that way.

But I don’t know how else to stop the pain.

Posted in Emotions, Uncategorized

Why I Am So Angry at God: Part 2

Since undergrad, I’ve felt like God cared more about the successes of others than my own successes. It was ok for other people to be ambitious, to strive for the best and to attain their wildest dreams.

As for me, I needed to find myself content in the “presence of the Lord”.

I felt like while others lived extraordinary, inspiring and amazing lives, I would be choking on and drowning in mediocrity and normalcy.

I felt like God was calling me to be a lesser version of myself, while others shone so brightly around me, and it sickened me. Literally. I became heartsick, mentally sick. I was heartbroken and upset.

God don’t You care about me and my life? My success? No? Well then…

Flash forward to post-graduation (which I fell asleep at)… and I’m a teacher with TFA in a gritty city whose name shall rename nameless for now. It’s my first year of teaching and I am having one hell of a time. Literally. I thought about killing myself every single day of that fucking job.

I cried more tears than I ever knew were possible to cry.

It seemed like once again, God was showing His tendency to care about others and love them more than me. Cue story.

So I decided to live with a chick from NY on a whim. We were doing TFA together. This girl was a sniveling, insecure, shadow of her current self. I somehow love and attract people like that. I like building people up. I like pouring into people. She was a willing recipient and receptacle of my love, energy and encouragement. But it wasn’t just with me. This girl attracted so many people to her with her self-pitying, self-loathing ways.

We were both invited to dinner one night at this older couple’s house. Something was brewing in my heart. I knew what was going to happen and I had seen it happen in my life so many times. They were going to give us prophetic words, and they were going to give her a particularly long one. Longer than mine.

They started with me…. said nice things…. then they turned to HER….

Her word must have been like a good 10 minutes and it covered everything from romance, identity, new job, new friends, new opportunities, travel and everything else.

If I could have killed myself in that moment, I would have.

Instead I spent the next 3 days crying. Gut-wrenching, hoarse-throat-causing, on the cusp of vomiting sobs, from a very deep and broken place.

I had spent years, YEARS crying out to God for those very same things. And she was the one that received assurance that all those things would happen for her, while I was left on the sidelines being told that I was going to make an awesome motivational speaker (they said some other shit too… but at that moment, none of it mattered).

Later on when I confronted them about it, the husband had the audacity to say, “Well maybe she needed to hear it a little more than you did.” SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DO NOT FUCKING KNOW ME OR WHAT I NEED TO HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was angry at God because I felt like here He was again, waving shit in my face, waving things that other people were getting, while I was crying out for those things and also crying out for the successes of others. Like come on……

Several more of these occurrences happened between me, this girl and this couple…. one involved them telling her that she had a mothering spirit and that she would be married soon. I had to endure this emotional torment before they relocated to another part of the country.

I was disgusted. Why does God like to do that…..listen to me whine, moan, beg Him for stuff, and then wave the very thing I’m praying for in front of my face and give it to someone else?

Later that same year, roommate and I went to a conference. It was amazing and we both had a great time, but strangely there was a night where we all got prayer. I overheard the prayer she got and I was so fucking agitated. Apparently she had been asking God about what her gifts were and she was admiring all the gifts that God had given other people and was asking God, “Well God what about me? And what about my gifts?” and apparently God was telling her that she had all those gifts AND MORE. Pretty much everything that I was doing (leading worship, singing, creating music, etc), she would be doing, among other things.

I was mad as hell. God what the fuck?!? How many times have I asked You about my own current circumstances? When have You ever given me that kind of assurance……

So yeah I’m mad at God because He’s out here blessing others with every blessing under the sun and turning a deaf ear to my heart’s cry.

Posted in Emotions

Why I Am So Angry At God: Part 1

I was talking to my bestie earlier and told her she had deep-rooted anger against God.

What I didn’t tell her was I do too.

I’ve been angry with God for a very, very, very long time. I attribute this anger to an experience that happened a year and 6 months ago, but I realize that was only a trigger. My anger started earlier than that. I feel like it started in undergrad.

I graduated from high school near the top of my class with decent grades, stellar standardized test scores (2100+ SAT back when it was out of 2400, all 5s on several AP exams, 93rd percentile score on the ACT without studying), an armful of awards, and acceptances to some of the best schools in the country.

I thought I was the shit. I worked hard (well…sorta). I cried. I had panic attacks. I cried out to the Lord. I read scripture. I sought His face. I fasted. I journaled. I put my hope and trust in Him. He came through for me. Although if I’m being honest, I was still incredibly disappointed with my high school experience and sought to redeem myself in college.

I forgot Him in college. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t turn away from Him. I still sought Him, but the desperation that I had in high school was no longer there. I forgot that when I made the Lord my trust, He came through for me.

I entered into the world of striving, and I failed miserably. Time and time again. Every quarter, I got grades that shattered my dreams of becoming valedictorian, salutatorian, top 1%, top 5%, top 15%, top 20%….top 50%….ahhh fuck…. I wasn’t going to graduate with any type of honors…..

Depression set in. Discouragement consumed me. I was an idiot. I didn’t belong at an Ivy League institution. Never mind that I had been identified as gifted since the first grade. Never mind that in the 1st grade I was reading on a 6th grade level and in 6th grade I was reading at a college level. Never mind that I was fucking smart as a whip. I was an idiot. And I didn’t belong here.

But then I would hear stories of people who put their trust in God, people who slacked off and didn’t study half as hard as I did, and yet they still got stellar grades! I would see people who would cheat and who would party and they still got stellar grades.

But as for me? I struggled and never got what I wanted. I strove and only ended up farther from my goal.

And I was bitter and angry. God was allowing all these people to have what I wanted.

It didn’t stop at grades though.

Relationships, boyfriends, husbands, prophetic words, real friends, secret societies, acceptance, honors theses, money, awesome opportunities….

All of these things were things I wanted, things that eluded me but so easily entered the grasp of others.

It was simple. God didn’t love me the way He loved everyone else. He loved others more.

In the face of this perceived rejection, and overwhelming discouragement, I developed an addiction to pornography (fuck it…if God doesn’t want to love me I’ll love my self…sadly porn isn’t love… it’s lust…story for another day), and I found myself in the throes of depression, anxiety and deep, deep self-loathing.

Granted there’s a lot more to the story, but ugh that would take a lifetime.

I’m mad at God because He didn’t redeem my college experience. I’m mad at God because He allowed me to suffer, while others got ahead. I didn’t reap what I sowed, while others reaped where they did not sow. #purefuckery

I’m mad at God because He didn’t disprove the lie that He loves others better and more than He loves me in the way that I wanted him to… and I’m sorry to say that I still believe this stupid fucking lie, and it’s causing me more pain that I could have ever imagined.

 

Posted in Emotions, Relationships

I’m Still Angry At You

I thought I had vented out all my rage concerning you and hatred of myself for all the shit I did in pursuit of you, but I still have some venom left.

I absolutely hate that I even factored you into any of my life plans, considerations and future goals and dreams. I AM DISGUSTED. You are nowhere to be found, we will never be together (PRAISE THE LORD) and I am so angry that I wasted SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY THINKING OF YOU.

I want to slap myself……

I need to forgive myself, for the time I wasted on you. The emotions, the energy.

I need to forgive you. Because to hate you would waste EVEN MORE TIME, EVEN MORE ENERGY.

I just want you to be irrelevant to my past, present and future.

I want every memory and thought of you to be erased from my heart and mind.

AND I WILL SEE TO IT that you take up no more residence in my thoughts.

I will literally end your existence in my life, since I can’t kill you and I wouldn’t want to.

But just know this, you are dead to me.

Whatever we had and did not have will be erased and wiped out like the hard drive of a computer.

I let go of you and all that was beautiful, all that was ugly, to make space for the greater.

Because I deserve greater than you. I deserve better than you. I deserve to be treated well, with care, with intention, with respect.

So this is a final goodbye. Really hoping I never see you again. Really hoping I can forget you completely, but even if I don’t it doesn’t matter because like I said:

You are dead to me.

Posted in Emotions

When Will This End?

Can’t sleep. So I blog.

I’ve been in a very weird and shitty place for at least a year and a half now.

I thought maybe after I got fired from my teaching job this past June and had time to focus on me things would get better.

I felt an emptiness. A growing restlessness.

I avoided the void with work. And more work.

The emptiness has grown and now there’s a yawning chasm between my heart and mind. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in there anymore.

I am so confused.

Am I even capable of making good decisions?

I know God is speaking but I’m not tuned into His frequency.

I’m tired of hearing Him say “I love you” when my life feels like a cosmic joke.

I look around me and I see people living their dreams…. and I’m here. Trying to scrape together money to pay bills.

I should be grateful though. I should be. After all, I’m alive…. I’m highly educated…. I have a family that loves me… I have friends……ish….. Life could be so much worse.

But I’m tired of using that as a sedative…as a relaxant. Life should be so much better.

I’m tired of being on the struggle bus… and yet I feel so stuck.

I want to run passionately after my dreams, but then I get smacked in the face with self-condemnation… what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?

I don’t want to lose my soul.

And yet I feel lost already.

I still feel restless and empty.