Category Archives: Heart’s Desires

NEW GOAL!

I want to retire my parents before I’m 30.

I have NO IDEA how I am going to do that given that I’m currently 6 figures in debt and not making any money….

BUT MAN I’m excited.

Imagine. My parents will have the freedom to do what they want because they can, and not because they have to.

I see myself:

Paying off their outstanding debts (mortgage, cars, student loans)

Giving them a nice lump sum of money and saying do what you want!

And after that, they can truly do whatever they want!!!

No more stress, worry, high blood pressure, insomnia, depression, anxiety, frustration!

No more being at the mercy of others.

They will be able to chase their dreams and live out their authentic and truest selves.

Sam Ovens, you’ve inspired me.

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Your Gift Will Make Room For You

Summer of 2016.

I’m sitting across from my cousin, hearing him share details of his newfound wealth.

He was just like me…well kinda.

Like me, he had a profound love for and interest in people, social justice, social reform and research.

Unlike me, he actually did something productive about it. He followed his heart in undergrad, studied what he wanted to, got amazing research experience, developed rich and awesome relationships, and then went off to grad school.

Like me, he had a period of financial struggle. Trying to figure out how he was going to make rent each month in an expensive city, while doing what he truly loved.

Unlike me, he was consistent with his dreams. He put in the work, did the hard stuff, and kept at it.

Summer of 2016 he sat across from me and uttered these words “Money keeps finding me. I have so much money now that I don’t even know what to do with it”.

He then started name dropping. Activists, leaders of movements, executives at Fortune 100 companies. They were all amongst his group of friends.

“Your gift will make room for you”.

I heard a voice so strongly, yet calmly in my head.

I hear these words when I study the lives and breakthroughs of others.

I hear these words when I’m watching someone using their gift.

I want those words to be true of me.

When others look at my life, I want it to be said that my gift made room for me and put me before great men.

I want to utilize my gifts and influence for the glory of God. For the betterment and empowerment of all people.

I know I need to get over myself. All my can’ts. Won’ts. What ifs. Should haves. Could haves. Would haves. All my fears, insecurities, burdens. They can’t come with me on this journey.

If my gift is going to make room for me, I need to make room for my gift to grow, develop and flourish.

Everything that doesn’t serve me, has to go.

Everything that’s holding me back, has to go.

Everything that causes me to doubt who I am and what I’ve got, has to go.

I will be who I am, unencumbered.

Don’t Die Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad,

Not that you read this blog anyway (thank God!) but I just feel the need to apologize. Maybe I’ll work up the courage to say it in person.

I’m really sorry for not appreciating you guys more. I really do love you guys and on my worst days, I make myself sick with fear that the day where I say goodbye to you for now will come way too soon.

I’m really sorry for all the times I’ve disrespected you guys. I’m not a disrespectful person and I hate to cause you pain. Sometimes you guys get on my nerves and I don’t know how to express myself and the pain that you guys cause. I also feel like you guys don’t listen to me, which frustrates me. I lash out… or shut down… either way sucks and I’m sorry. I love you guys.

I’m sorry that I’m financially dependent on you guys right now. Believe me when I say that this is not the life I imagined for myself. In the brilliant future I planned for myself, at this time of my life, I should have bought you guys awesome birthday presents, vacations and all. I should be giving you money. You shouldn’t be giving me money. You have three other kids to worry about…. I hate to use your resources.

I’m working really hard to get a job and get my life in order so that I don’t burden you guys. I know you guys will swear up and down that I’m not a burden, and that you love taking care of me and you’re just happy I’m home…. but it really kills me that I feel so useless and helpless right now. With all my Ivy League credentials… I’m still struggling to find work and make money and be the person I was born to be.

It hurts.

But I’m fighting not to get trapped in the pool of self-pity that has trapped so many of my fellow quarter-lifers. I’m working hard to get better each and everyday.

One of my greatest desires in life is to make you guys proud and to shower you guys with my gratitude, love and appreciation. I know you’ll say that my existence is enough, and that you’re proud of me…. and that me being all God created me to be is enough…. but I want to give you tangible evidence of my thanks.

Please don’t die until I do that.

I know it’s the most ridiculous thing…. as if anyone could control a thing such as death. But this is my humble request.

Don’t die until you’ve seen me and my brothers become the people you envisioned we would be.

Don’t die until you’ve walked me down the aisle, and seen my brothers marry their beautiful brides.

Don’t die until you’ve seen me and my brothers have all of our children (I plan to have six…. so you need to stick around for that. I’m sure 2 of them will be just like you guys).

Don’t die until I’ve had the opportunity to give you your hearts’ desires…..

Don’t die until I’ve had the opportunity to build a summer house for you in Nigeria, even though you swear you don’t want to live there anymore.

Don’t die until I’ve given each of you extravagant, lively, ostentatious celebrations in your honor. I want to honor your lives and legacies while you are yet living.

Don’t die mom and dad.

We’ve only just begun.

Moment of Truth: JD/MBA Timing

Mom and Dad,

I’m not going to law school in 2018. Nah. Y’all want to push me and pull me and force me to do shit.

Y’all want me to go so badly in 2018.

And yet, think about WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE DOING.

Every FUCKING DAY, you give me errands and shit to do.

EVERY FUCKING DAY, I am running around or doing something for you.

Depositing checks. Driving places to do shit. Picking up children. Cooking meals. Cleaning. Typing. Editing.

DOING SOME SHIT.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO STUDY FOR THE GMAT AND LSAT IF YOU WILL NOT LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?!?!?!?!?!???

I’ll take this fucking GMAT in November.

And I may even take this LSAT in December.

BUT I AM NOT FUCKING GOING TO SCHOOL IN 2018.

Y’all can cry, scream, yell, do whatever the fuck you want to.

I’m not going.

And I don’t feel bad.

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. – Proverbs 29:25

I struggle with trusting God, but I’m on my way mom and dad.

I’m learning to listen to my intuition, one of the ways in which God speaks.

And my intuition is telling me that going to school in 2018 is a FUCKING BAD IDEA.

ESPECIALLY since you guys want to use me like a tool.

So I’m not going.

I’m tired of living my life in a way that isn’t true, real, authentic and is based on the whims of others.

And I am more desperate than ever to get my finances in place so I never have to be in a vulnerable situation again where I’m relying on people, even if those people are my parents.

But on some real shit, though, I need to start studying for this GMAT and LSAT again.

I’m supposed to be fasting….. but I also need coffee in order to stay awake in the early morning…. maybe I can do a modified fast lol. Or nah. God help because I need to get my life together. People are trying to plan my life for me.

Hard Pill To Swallow #1: God is Moved by Faith Not Need.

“God is moved by faith, not need”.

The first time I heard these words, I was in undergrad. Upon hearing them, I was livid and bewildered.

How was it possible that God didn’t respond to need? Is He a callous God? Does He not care about the needs of His children?

Those words still haunt me to this day…. but they make more sense with each passing moment.

My life and the life of my best friend is a nice study in contrast I guess.

My best friend is financially stable, essentially. No student loans or debt of any kind. Enough cash to cover whatever expenses/emergencies may come up. Her mom pays all her bills. She’s chilling and wants for nothing.

But even in her state of financial stability, she stays getting money. This chick stays getting money. Whether it be from focus groups/studies she does, or her mom, or random Auntie/Uncle from church, this chick gets money without even blinking an eye. Oh! And people give her stuff too. Free meals, free whatever. She stay getting.

Take my life as a complete and total contrast.

Six figures in debt, including hefty student loans for two Ivy League degrees (undergrad and Master’s), car payments and a vacuum cleaner my parents got in my name. Add to that my car insurance, phone bill, and you’ve got yourself a chick who needs hella money.

I cut out my utility and rent expenses by moving back home, but I still have all this other shit I need to pay off. And yet money seems to elude me.

I’ve applied to what seems like hundreds of jobs and opportunities at this point. The jobs that I really really wanted, I didn’t get. Either I was ignored, they suddenly and strangely stopped hiring for the position (one job stated that due to unforeseen circumstances they could no longer hire for the program.. I was really pumped about that job too), or simply didn’t get the job…. OR I was being offered a ridiculous salary (like $20, when I should be paid $40).

I’ve looked for ways to make alternate income. I submit proposals on upwork. I scour craigslist daily for opportunities. I do what I gotta do.

But I still end up needy as ever. And I ask myself. GOD DO YOU NOT SEE MY NEED?

Now I’m not saying that my friend has all this faith that God is going to provide. Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn’t. I don’t fucking know. But I do know that in all my need….. God hasn’t really swooped in to save me. There are people who have the story of “I never missed a payment for my bills. I never was late on a payment because God always provided.”

That was never my fucking story. I’ve missed countless payments because I had no money to pay. I’ve had to take two jobs and still not have ends meet. I’ve struggled and still found myself drowning underwater. Oh and might I add that I’m generous to a fault?!?!? MIGHT I ADD that I give even when it hurts?!?!? And yet here I am. Broke as fuck.

So when I hear things like “God isn’t moved by need but by faith”, I wonder.

God, if I had all the faith in the world that You will show up for me in the midst of my financial shithole, and I don’t waver in my faith, how will my life be different?

If I spend the next few months rearranging my mindsets about money and about God’s heart for me and my money, how will my life be different?

If I have radical faith that God wants to bless me financially so I can be a blessing to others, how will my life be different?

If I stop stressing out about what I don’t have, and start thanking God for what I do have and for what’s coming, how will my life be different?

If I give God a reason to show up, and if I present God with a challenge, rather than a list of complaints, how will my life be different?

If I stop looking at my best friend’s life and the lives of others and how God seems to be blessing and favoring them, and if I focus on what God has given me, and focus on stewarding that well, how will my life be different?

These are things I’d like to explore within the next few weeks. I’ll be happy to report what I find out!

Cut the Bullshit Vol 2: 2018 vs. 2019 vs. 2020

Ugh. I think I struggle with anxiety.

I’m sitting here at my computer, thinking, thinking, thinking and my heart is racing and I feel sick. Just sick.

Why?

Because I want to start a business. I want to help young people navigate through the confusing, anxiety producing world of college admissions.

But I want to do so much more than that.

I want to help young people discover their voice. Discover the truth about themselves. Discover the beauty they bring to the world.

And I want to get paid for it.

I started reading some books on business. Starting making some plans. Started doing things and I thought to myself. Holy shit.

How am I going to run this business and get ready for this JD/MBA?

My mom and dad want me to attend law school in 2018.

I.don’t.want.to.

I said it. I don’t want to.

I want to build this business, make this money, change some lives…. pay off my debt…. travel the world and do some awesome shit! Live my life! And then have the space to breathe and do whatever. Write some books. Write some songs. Do me!

In fact if I can be very honest, now that I’m excited about this business idea, I wouldn’t mind doing school in 2020. I honestly wouldn’t. I have a mission. A vision. A plan. And maybe I’ll fall flat on my face and fail and fuck it all up. But I won’t be a failure for too long.

I know I have something amazing. I know I am destined for greatness. I just want the space to unleash what I’m capable of.

I don’t want to live in anyone’s box. I don’t want to live up to anyone’s standards. I don’t want to fall prey to anyone’s preconceived notions.

I don’t give a fuck about age. Yes there are certain milestones I would have liked to hit by a certain age. Yes it would be nice to be done with school by 30.

But man greatness takes time. Where the fuck is the rush.

Not to say that I want to live in mediocrity and struggle forever…. idk.

Here I am rambling. Rambling on.

If I can build a business and somehow go to law school in 2018 that would be fucking awesome.

But I just don’t see how it’s possible.

And it’s giving me anxiety.

Jesus help me.

Why I Want a JD/MBA: Things I Can’t Tell Admissions Committees

So I’ve been reading and thinking about my life and I’ve been thinking about my future…. and I have a lot of questions and obviously a lot of thoughts lol. I’m starting to wonder if this JD/MBA actually makes sense for me and why. Not to worry though, since this is exactly the thing I should be doing. I need to be incredibly certain when the time comes about whether this is the path for me and why. But it’s just strange to all of a sudden call into question everything I took for granted.

As I think about why I want the JD/MBA, I read profiles of people who currently have a JD/MBA and I realize that I am not a typical candidate at all. In fact, most people would look at my résumé and have several questions as to why on earth I would want to pursue a JD/MBA. I’m a social justice/reform, social policy, social welfare, education, criminal justice, juvenile justice, minority empowerment, economic empowerment do-gooder. No finance/accounting/consulting background to speak of. What the hell am I doing? Let me tell you.

  1. I want to learn how to think like a lawyer and how to think like a businessperson. The work I see myself doing in the future will draw from both fields, and while I don’t plan to be an expert in either, I want to be able to follow any and all conversations being had around me concerning law and business. I plan to hire legal and business experts. I need to know what I’m looking for and what I want when I have conversations with these experts. Blind faith doesn’t always work out.
  2. I want to find my tribe. Everyone always talks about how the value in the MBA is in the network, and how the value of the network increases the further out from school you are. I want to find like-minded, kindred spirits, across industries, across specialties, across time, across space, across place…. people with whom to build. I want to make new friends and I want to make them in school. I want people who will challenge me and inspire me to be even more awesome. I want to meet people who will invest in my future enterprises, and who will champion me. I also want to meet people for whom I can do the same damn thing. I’m the biggest, bestest cheerleader of dreams you will ever find.
  3. I want impressive signaling credentials. Yeah I said it. A JD/MBA from Harvard (oh did I mention I only want to go to Harvard? Ok now I did), speaks volumes and as a Black woman who wants to do the kind of work I want to do, I need people to know that I know what the fuck I’m talking about and doing.
  4. I want fallback options. Hell yeah I said it. If my journey through social entrepreneurship crashes and burns, I want to have something to go back to while I figure my life out. Currently, I am certified to teach secondary science. I hate teaching in the classroom and would rather do anything else but teach, but if I’m in a desperate position and I need to get money like tomorrow, guess where my ass is going? Back to the classroom that’s right. In terms of law and business, I can’t say that I hate either given that I haven’t had substantive experiences in either fields. But let’s say I finish law school and then take and pass the bar. I can work for BigLaw, or a boutique, or OPEN UP MY OWN PRIVATE PRACTICE. If I choose to go the business route. I can work for a management consulting firm, or honestly wherever doing what the hell ever. I went to Harvard. I got two degrees. I can do what I need to do while I figure out my life. But that’s only if my master plan doesn’t work.
  5. I want to gain skills in areas I’m weak. I’m not the best at accounting. An experience in undergrad scarred me. I’m also not the best at corporate finance. In terms of the legal field, I really like the way lawyers question everything. Yeah it gets annoying, but it’s great to be able to have the type of mindset where you can pick something completely apart and examine it from various angles. I need to improve my analytical thinking (yes I said it) skills.
  6. I want a redemptive school experience. Undergrad sucked. My Master’s Degree sucked. I want to be in school again and actually enjoy it!!!! And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that! I want to take advantage of all the resources Harvard has to offer and drain them dry. YEAH I SAID IT! They’re making a killing from my tuition! I’m going to use them until I can’t use them anymore! When I graduate with this JD/MBA I want to be able to say HELL YEAH I DID THAT! AND I DID IT WELL! I DID IT WITH STYLE! I did it my way 🙂

 

These are the six main reasons I want a JD/MBA. If more reasons come to mind I’ll update.