Category Archives: Heart’s Desires

Living Single

I wake up alone, thankful for another day

Thankful for the space to be myself, with myself, by myself

On my best days, I’m thankful for this gift of time

This time to be single

Single-minded in soul, focus, pursuit, goals

But I’d be lying if I said that I don’t have my days….

 

On some days, like today

I feel discontent grip my heart tightly

And settle into the crevices of my heart, like the finest sand

Irritating the rawness of heartbreak, heartache

My heart aches from desires unfulfilled

 

On some days, I feel cheated

I followed the rules (mostly)

I was a good girl.

I went to school, listened to my parents

Kept my v-card….never kissed a boy or man…never engaged in any sexual activity with anyone… but myself (LOL) and yet…..

Here I am. 25. Single. Never been in a relationship.

While I watch countless other women

Women who have traded their self-worth and virtue

For momentary pleasures. No judgment. Just saying. Ok I’m lying.

I’m so judging.

From my friend Artemis, who had been in a relationship from 14-24

And had only just now experienced the bitter taste of singleness….for a mere 2 years

To my friend Huracão, who had a boyfriend in high school and did all sorts of naughty things…. and is getting married soon…

To another friend…who got involved in a relationship with a married man before meeting her husband!!!!

And I just wonder….where did I go wrong in life?

 

On other days, I feel behind

As I come across random strangers….

Pictures of happy times, beautiful memories

Women who got married at 24/25 and had kid a year later

They’re now in their thirties, enjoying double digit anniversaries

And double digit birthday parties for their children

While I can most certainly look forward to being in my 40s when my children turn double digits..

That is if I even have children…if I even get married….

 

I have my doubts. Sometimes I feel like my life is an example of

God’s free will. He can do whatever He wants.

He could very well allow me to have these desires to be married and have children

And choose not to let me see the fulfillment of those desires

And as angry as that makes me sometimes

At the same time, He is perfectly justified…and He is not cruel one way or another

 

On my best days, I’m too focused on living life to the fullest

To allow the feelings of loneliness, sadness, and desire

To descend upon me like a heavy wool cloak

Nope. I don’t want to make peace with these feelings.

I want to numb them.

With too many activities. Lies I tell myself.

Truths I try to meditate on.

But I can’t truly lie to myself.

I’m 25. I want to be married and have kids.

But at the same time, I don’t want to give up my life, my freedom.

I don’t even know who I am some days. I don’t know what I want on other days.

How can I introduce a husband and children into this hurricane of confusion and instability?

 

But what about them? What about those women who got married at 22 and 23?

Surely they didn’t know who they were and what they wanted out of life?

Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.

But what have I ever gained from looking at someone else’s life?

And therein lies my problem.

I use other people’s experiences and their outward appearances

As the standard for my own life…

And I feel discontentment, pressure, bitterness…

God I’m going to let this all go

I’m going to lay this all down

And I’m going to take up my cross and follow You

Today I am 25, and I’m living single.

 

 

The Gift of Hunger

When you feel a drawing and a pull for something sweeter and greater

When you feel a gnawing ache, an otherworldly frustration

When you are inexplicably discontent with all that seems “good” in your life

Pay attention to the signs, for He is calling you

 

On the surface, all may seem well

Perhaps you have food to eat, a roof over your head, and people that love you

And yet you can’t shake the thought that there is something more

A reality far above your current experience

 

Your soul is like a parched desert

Visions of a higher calling dance around the eyes of your heart like mirages

What is this feeling that clings to you and steals your very breath?

The Lover of Your soul is calling you.

 

You’ve lose taste for all that is ordinary

All this time, your very essence has been constrained

Glimpses of true freedom sprint through your mind, incomprehensible

He is whispering to you. Will you draw near?

 

This love is a love unlike any other

It can’t be contained, and it does not smother

It is free and wild, reckless and unashamed

This unbridled love calls you by name

Will you answer?

 

Don’t despise your hunger

Don’t despise this divine discontentment

It is a gift, a sign that greater is coming

If you would yield yourself and surrender

To the Greatest Love Story ever Known.

To Those Who Feel Forgotten and Abandoned….

……I want to encourage you!!!! For the longest time, I was angry with certain people in my life that I felt like should have helped me out. They were intimately acquainted with my pain and suffering. They watched me struggle. They told me they would be there for me… and when I needed them the most, they were nowhere to be found. I felt forgotten and abandoned and I grew bitter and angry. This is not to say that they aren’t good people, and this is not to say that they were never a source of help. They just weren’t able to fulfill their promises. And I too was guilty of creating unrealistic expectations of them.

In any case, today while doing some work, I listened to this Periscope by this lady who is a prophet and is just an amazing woman of God. I tune into her broadcasts sometimes.

This was one of the prophetic words she gave and I felt like she was speaking RIGHT TO ME!!!!

 

“It’s time to move from being resentful about who has not helped you about the people who have failed you. You must move from being resentful and angry at all the ones who did not help you, all the ones who did not come through. You are justified….however you cannot be resentful and prosperous at the same time. Make up your mind. Can’t be angry and bitter and blessed. It’s one or the other. He is Your source. It is from Him that your prosperity will flow. It’s not about “they know what I’m going through and they won’t help me” it’s not about that. They’re not going to help you. You gotta stop being mad about it. The Lord is teaching you to rely on Him. He’s calling You to rely on Him. The fulfillment of Matthew 6:33 will come to pass in your life. You are going to see the Lord show up for you in a daily provisional type of way where  God is going to be showing up and providing for you daily, and He’s going to be doing it in an exceedingly, abundantly, overt way in Jesus’ name. He’s going to provide all your needs because you seek Him first and His kingdom and His righteousness. God is your source. He is your Jehovah Jireh. It’s not about the people who have failed you. They’re not even your future. They’re supposed to be part of your history, but they’re not going to be part of your future story. Begin to lean on God because He is your source.” – Jolynne

 

So if you’re like me and have experienced abandonment and neglect…if you have held onto the pain of being forgotten and you are ready to move on so you can live an abundant and prosperous future, declare these things with me:

  1. I release all the people from my past who abandoned and neglected me
  2. My heart and mind forgive all those who have done me wrong by sins of commission and omission
  3. I release people from my past from all expectations that I placed on them
  4. My expectations and my hope are in the Lord and not in human beings
  5. The Lord is my provider
  6. The Lord makes me prosperous
  7. I rely solely on the Lord to fulfill all my needs
  8. The Lord will bring me before great men and women. I won’t have to force or manipulate my way into anything.
  9. The Lord will provide platforms for my gifts and abilities to manifest, as I remain faithful to Him and to stewarding what He’s placed inside me
  10. The Lord will do exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ever ask or think in every area of my life (relationships, finances, emotions, health)
  11. Because I delight myself in the Lord, He gives me the desires of my heart and He delights in my way
  12. I don’t have to force people to help me. The Lord is my helper and I shall not want
  13. The Lord will bring the people in my life that need to be there. I remain friendly, loving and kind to all, and I do not beg for people to befriend me.
  14. The Lord will bring me the required help that I need. I don’t beg for help. I invite people to partner with me as the Lord leads.
  15. I don’t have to force my way into anything. The Lord is opening doors that no man can close and shutting doors that no man can open.
  16. I ask for what I want. I don’t beg. And I have faith in the Lord to do unto me according to His will.
  17. My satisfaction and fulfillment come from God alone, and not the fulfillment of my dreams. My the fulfillment of my dreams and goals are a by product of my delight in the Lord and my relationship with Him.
  18. GOD IS MY SOURCE!!!

 

Be blessed y’all! 🙂

You are NOT a Victim!

 

Y’all. When I tell you this video helped me get my mind right this morning! I went from crying (before the video), to smiling (after the video). Empowered and remembering once again that I am NOT the sum of all the things that have been done TO ME.

I am not a victim.

I am more than a conqueror.

I don’t need anyone to qualify me.

I don’t need to wait for someone to get me to the next level.

I don’t need someone to give me their love, time, energy and attention to make me feel worthy.

I have everything I need in God!!!!!!!

Not to say that I don’t need people, or relationships, I totally do. But it’s time to stop waiting for people to give you what you want and need. Turn to God first and see what happens!

#inspired