I love love 🙂 ❤
I love love 🙂 ❤
For all of them who didn’t get the memo.
New year, new rules.
Don’t waste my time.
If you do, I will perform the greatest disappearing act you have ever seen.
Drowning in list
Of unending things to do
When will this all end?
I wake up alone, thankful for another day
Thankful for the space to be myself, with myself, by myself
On my best days, I’m thankful for this gift of time
This time to be single
Single-minded in soul, focus, pursuit, goals
But I’d be lying if I said that I don’t have my days….
On some days, like today
I feel discontent grip my heart tightly
And settle into the crevices of my heart, like the finest sand
Irritating the rawness of heartbreak, heartache
My heart aches from desires unfulfilled
On some days, I feel cheated
I followed the rules (mostly)
I was a good girl.
I went to school, listened to my parents
Kept my v-card….never kissed a boy or man…never engaged in any sexual activity with anyone… but myself (LOL) and yet…..
Here I am. 25. Single. Never been in a relationship.
While I watch countless other women
Women who have traded their self-worth and virtue
For momentary pleasures. No judgment. Just saying. Ok I’m lying.
I’m so judging.
From my friend Artemis, who had been in a relationship from 14-24
And had only just now experienced the bitter taste of singleness….for a mere 2 years
To my friend Huracão, who had a boyfriend in high school and did all sorts of naughty things…. and is getting married soon…
To another friend…who got involved in a relationship with a married man before meeting her husband!!!!
And I just wonder….where did I go wrong in life?
On other days, I feel behind
As I come across random strangers….
Pictures of happy times, beautiful memories
Women who got married at 24/25 and had kid a year later
They’re now in their thirties, enjoying double digit anniversaries
And double digit birthday parties for their children
While I can most certainly look forward to being in my 40s when my children turn double digits..
That is if I even have children…if I even get married….
I have my doubts. Sometimes I feel like my life is an example of
God’s free will. He can do whatever He wants.
He could very well allow me to have these desires to be married and have children
And choose not to let me see the fulfillment of those desires
And as angry as that makes me sometimes
At the same time, He is perfectly justified…and He is not cruel one way or another
On my best days, I’m too focused on living life to the fullest
To allow the feelings of loneliness, sadness, and desire
To descend upon me like a heavy wool cloak
Nope. I don’t want to make peace with these feelings.
I want to numb them.
With too many activities. Lies I tell myself.
Truths I try to meditate on.
But I can’t truly lie to myself.
I’m 25. I want to be married and have kids.
But at the same time, I don’t want to give up my life, my freedom.
I don’t even know who I am some days. I don’t know what I want on other days.
How can I introduce a husband and children into this hurricane of confusion and instability?
But what about them? What about those women who got married at 22 and 23?
Surely they didn’t know who they were and what they wanted out of life?
Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.
But what have I ever gained from looking at someone else’s life?
And therein lies my problem.
I use other people’s experiences and their outward appearances
As the standard for my own life…
And I feel discontentment, pressure, bitterness…
God I’m going to let this all go
I’m going to lay this all down
And I’m going to take up my cross and follow You
Today I am 25, and I’m living single.
When you feel a drawing and a pull for something sweeter and greater
When you feel a gnawing ache, an otherworldly frustration
When you are inexplicably discontent with all that seems “good” in your life
Pay attention to the signs, for He is calling you
On the surface, all may seem well
Perhaps you have food to eat, a roof over your head, and people that love you
And yet you can’t shake the thought that there is something more
A reality far above your current experience
Your soul is like a parched desert
Visions of a higher calling dance around the eyes of your heart like mirages
What is this feeling that clings to you and steals your very breath?
The Lover of Your soul is calling you.
You’ve lose taste for all that is ordinary
All this time, your very essence has been constrained
Glimpses of true freedom sprint through your mind, incomprehensible
He is whispering to you. Will you draw near?
This love is a love unlike any other
It can’t be contained, and it does not smother
It is free and wild, reckless and unashamed
This unbridled love calls you by name
Will you answer?
Don’t despise your hunger
Don’t despise this divine discontentment
It is a gift, a sign that greater is coming
If you would yield yourself and surrender
To the Greatest Love Story ever Known.
……I want to encourage you!!!! For the longest time, I was angry with certain people in my life that I felt like should have helped me out. They were intimately acquainted with my pain and suffering. They watched me struggle. They told me they would be there for me… and when I needed them the most, they were nowhere to be found. I felt forgotten and abandoned and I grew bitter and angry. This is not to say that they aren’t good people, and this is not to say that they were never a source of help. They just weren’t able to fulfill their promises. And I too was guilty of creating unrealistic expectations of them.
In any case, today while doing some work, I listened to this Periscope by this lady who is a prophet and is just an amazing woman of God. I tune into her broadcasts sometimes.
This was one of the prophetic words she gave and I felt like she was speaking RIGHT TO ME!!!!
“It’s time to move from being resentful about who has not helped you about the people who have failed you. You must move from being resentful and angry at all the ones who did not help you, all the ones who did not come through. You are justified….however you cannot be resentful and prosperous at the same time. Make up your mind. Can’t be angry and bitter and blessed. It’s one or the other. He is Your source. It is from Him that your prosperity will flow. It’s not about “they know what I’m going through and they won’t help me” it’s not about that. They’re not going to help you. You gotta stop being mad about it. The Lord is teaching you to rely on Him. He’s calling You to rely on Him. The fulfillment of Matthew 6:33 will come to pass in your life. You are going to see the Lord show up for you in a daily provisional type of way where God is going to be showing up and providing for you daily, and He’s going to be doing it in an exceedingly, abundantly, overt way in Jesus’ name. He’s going to provide all your needs because you seek Him first and His kingdom and His righteousness. God is your source. He is your Jehovah Jireh. It’s not about the people who have failed you. They’re not even your future. They’re supposed to be part of your history, but they’re not going to be part of your future story. Begin to lean on God because He is your source.” – Jolynne
So if you’re like me and have experienced abandonment and neglect…if you have held onto the pain of being forgotten and you are ready to move on so you can live an abundant and prosperous future, declare these things with me:
Be blessed y’all! 🙂
Y’all. When I tell you this video helped me get my mind right this morning! I went from crying (before the video), to smiling (after the video). Empowered and remembering once again that I am NOT the sum of all the things that have been done TO ME.
I am not a victim.
I am more than a conqueror.
I don’t need anyone to qualify me.
I don’t need to wait for someone to get me to the next level.
I don’t need someone to give me their love, time, energy and attention to make me feel worthy.
I have everything I need in God!!!!!!!
Not to say that I don’t need people, or relationships, I totally do. But it’s time to stop waiting for people to give you what you want and need. Turn to God first and see what happens!