Posted in Emotions, Heart's Desires, Prayers

Rededicating My Life

So I rededicated my life back to God this morning.

It was a combination of factors:

  1. Weariness of being angry and bitter with Him
  2. Weariness of my confusion concerning my life’s purpose
  3. Listening to Jonathan McReynold’s performances, reading his blogs and scrolling through his Instagram (check out No Gray)
  4. Reading through parts of Without Rival by Lisa Bevere
  5. Reading scripture
  6. A deep desire for more
  7. Holy Spirit’s conviction
  8. Him drawing me back to Himself

 

My life is not my own, for it was bought with a price. What does it profit me if I gain the whole world but lose my soul? I want to receive the Crown of Life He promised me.

I don’t want to live my life in vain.

I don’t want to pursue a JD/MBA/MPP/PhD in vain.

I don’t want to pursue financial independence and debt freedom in vain.

I don’t want to be so focused pursuing my goals that I lose sight of the most important thing: JESUS.

I lost my way. Like a prodigal daughter I turned my heart away from my Father. In anger, in my distorted view, I focused on my passions, my lusts and my desires until they sickened me, until there was no more pleasure to be derived from them.

I’m literally at a point where I cannot continue as I have been. There’s no reason to continue living this way.

I need Him.

I’m tired of being angry.

I’m tired of crying bitter tears.

I’m tired of trying to live without Him.

I’m tired of striving.

Matthew 6:33, 1 Corinthians 2:9 and Ephesians 3:20 are 3 of my life scriptures, and they go hand in hand.

Matthew 6:33 – Seek first the kingdom of God and all righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

1 Corinthians 2:9 – Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.

Ephesians 3:20 – Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all you can ask, think or imagine……

Somewhere in the depths of my depression, I forgot the truth.

Now that I’ve made the decision to rededicate. I need to maintain my commitment. I’m going on a detox (spirit, soul and body).

As I feel led, I’ll share what I learn along the way.

Blessings to y’all. And as always, I promise to keep it very real.

Posted in Heart's Desires

I Will Conquer

By God’s grace….

I will rise above all the mess and distress in my life.

giphy6

I will turn every negative into a positive in my life, deflect all things meant to harm, and somersault over my obstacles, like pink power ranger:

giphy4

I will turn every mistake, poor choice and negative consequence into learned lessons that bring me greater levels of success and happiness.

giphy8

When the enemy (Satan, all his minions, principalities and powers) fucks with me again, this is what I will do:

giphy2

When I’m about to lose my shit, I’ll catch my own rebound like a fucking boss as so:

giphy3

I will experience overwhelming victory consistently

giphy5

I will kick all negativity, naysayers, lies, and things that make me feel shitty about myself to the curb:

giphy7

I will have too much sauce and I will give no fucks ­čÖé

903502_499136413478318_1577133282_o

 

Posted in Heart's Desires, Uncategorized

So Many Ideas…. Where To Begin?

Here I am at my tutoring job… head swimming with ideas.

I want to be anywhere but here.

I have things I want to start and do.

I want to be a high school admissions consultant/teen life coach.

I want to be a motivational speaker for middle schoolers, high schoolers, college students and young adults (and adults also!)… people of all ages essentially.

I want to attack the educational disparities in attainment that exist within my home town/county as well as across the country and world.

I want to empower young women, black women, young men, black men. Every woman. Every man.

I want to write plenty of books.

I want to create music that empowers and inspires.

I want to start a global movement.

I want to be a multi-billionaire.

These are just a few of the many, many (over 1000+ actually) dreams that I have in my heart and mind.

Where do I begin?

And how do I chase my dreams, but keep God in the center of it all?

 

Posted in Heart's Desires, Relationships

You Gotta Draw The Line Somewhere

Spoke with a friend earlier today and she shared about how a friend of hers had given a guy head. Even though she and this guy weren’t in a committed relationship and the guy made it clear that he had no intentions of being with her, she still sucked his dick.

I know in a previous post I quoted the whole “Never say never” thing and the importance of being open and flexible, but there are rules, and then there are exceptions to the rules.

NEVER WILL I EVER suck the dick of a man that I am not married to. Period.

If I’m going to engage in an act of abasement (let’s be real man… I know there’s this whole “oh the woman has the power when she’s giving a guy head…. but let’s just be honest…. who again is on their knees? Oh alright then)….. then it better damn well be with a man that’s sticking with me for life.

Fuck that whole friends with benefits shit.

Fuck the idea of pleasuring a man that could care less about my own pleasure.

Fuck the idea of even wasting a nanosecond of my time on a man who has not proven himself worthy and who has no intentions of valuing anything I give him. BEEN THERE DONE THAT (the wasting time part… not that other shit) AND I AM NEVER DOING IT AGAIN.

Life is too short. Can’t be wasting it on dumb fuckbois.

Now excuse me while I finish drawing my line in the sand.

Posted in Heart's Desires, If I Didn't....

I Should Have Gone to Sleep

But nah.

I couldn’t sleep. I was trying to be holy, but the growing discomfort down under begged for release (damn it ovulation!)…

I’ve been sober from porn for almost a year….

No intentions of going back.

So I jumped to the next best thing (well not best… but you catch my drift): erotica

Dumb idea.

All it did was make me even more amorous…… le sigh. Too lazy to get up and take a cold shower.

*click* *scroll* *read*

Wow… people are out here having AMAZING SEX! Or maybe that’s a lie. Maybe that’s the point of erotica…. to make things seem more sensual than they actually are. When will I learn.

On nights like these, I wish I had someone to hold me. And do more besides.

I get the bright idea (sarcasm) to watch Being Mary Jane.

Mmmmm Omari Hardwick. Gabrielle Union. Not a good idea.

Then I decide to check out Insecure.

*facepalm*

I need to go to bed now. But first.

Release.

Ah, that’s better. Now I can go to sleep. Or not….

Forty five minutes later and I awake with a start. I had a crazy case of the munchies.

Chunky apple sauce, seaweed strips, strawberry yogurt O’s cereal and some water.

Ah, I can sleep now.

*Yawn* *Snore*

I should have just went straight to sleep…… wet and full isn’t the best combination.

Posted in Heart's Desires

The Hormones Are Real

I struggle with my sexuality sometimes…. a lot of the time.

I was never taught to appreciate sex as a beautiful thing.

I was simply taught about the importance of keeping my virginity.

I wasn’t taught how to deal with raging hormones.

I was simply taught the importance of praying. And when I struggled with sexual purity (pornography and masturbation), I was chastised for not praying enough.

Damn.

On nights like tonight, where all I want to do is have sex with somebody (thank you ovulation *rolls eyes*) I feel ridiculously frustrated.

I think jealously of my married friends that can have sex whenever they want (I know that’s not true but it feels like it). I can’t even touch myself without feeling crushed by guilt.

I’ve never been kissed. Never been held. Never been touched….well in ways that I wanted to be touched anyway….. molestation certainly doesn’t count.

And now all I want is to be kissed, to be held, to be touched, licked, eaten…. ALL THAT!

But nah. I’m going to go to bed. And I’ll wake up and lead worship tomorrow morning. Damn.

Managing desires and building self-control isn’t the most fun thing in the world.┬áKinda wish my sex drive came with an off button. #distewmuch

Posted in Heart's Desires, Prayers

You Promised….

…that I would be an example academically, financially, spiritually and in all areas of my life

…that money would never be my problem

…that I would build new structures and new ways of doing things

…that I would be working in arts and media on and off camera

…that I would be instrumental to the Black community

…that You would speed things up financially for me

…that my debt would be paid off and it would be paid faster than I thought!

…that You would provide the money I needed to get my education

…that You were calling me to do things that no one had done before

…that I would open a small business

…that I would bring revival in the Black community

…that I would lead Black people, particularly Black women to purity and humility

…that I would be a mystic

…that I would make huge impacts in business and government

…that You would give me favor with You and people on all that I did

…that You would give me incredible platforms to speak to people

…that I would restore ruined cities and ancient ruins

…that I would help people change their lives

…that I would work with children in a variety of capacities, and rescue them from darkness all over the world

…that You would give me the grace to balance many different projects #productivity #efficiency

…that You would use my writing to the ends of the earth

…that You would provide everything I needed this summer

…that I would experience radical freedom

…that I would have friends in high places of business, government and other spheres of society

…that You would take me to many cultures and peoples all across the world to lead worship, to do missions, and business (consulting)

…that I would change the lives of high schoolers across the nation

…that You would give me an anointing to connect people with money and resources

…that You would give me an Ephesians 3:20 husband

…that I would write music that would change people’s lives

………………………….AND MUCH MORE! SO MANY THINGS YOU PROMISED ME!

And yet here I am watching other people getting what You promised me. It’s like the more You speak the less I believe You. #fixitJesus #IwanterrthangYoupromisedme #andthensome

 

Posted in Heart's Desires, Relationships

The One That Got Away, But Was Never Mine To Begin With

I remember when I first laid eyes on you.

I thought you had a peanut shaped head. Alien like. But you were cute.

I was shy. And obsessed with a friend of yours.

You were into a friend of mine. You liked her breasts. I didn’t have any yet. Damn it puberty. Now I have more than I know what to do with #bigboobproblems #latebloomer

The years went on, and you grew handsomer and handsomer, but we grew farther and farther apart.

You seemed too cool for me. Not my type. And yet my heart…. held this strange attraction to you… stranger than fiction.

I remember when you came over my house with your mom. I was sweating bullets… so nervous because you were so fine and I was so not….

Naija boy. Same tribe. Tall. Chocolate. Piercing eyes. Handsome. Delicious. Not mine.

Years later my mom revealed to me that your mom had come to her with a proposition. She wanted us to get married.

*record screech*

SAY WHAT NOW? Married? Why? How? Oh you’re dating someone. Oh y’all have been dating for a while? Oh you have a baby on the way??!? #rumorhasit

*resume music*

I saw your IG. You’ve been with the girl for a few years. She’s my year, possibly my age. She’s certainly not prettier than me. She cute though. No baby in sight. I think they lied to me.

And yet there you are.

Thoughts pass through my mind, memories of an alternate timeline. Different choices, different lives…. mountains of what ifs…. what if we were together? What if you were mine? What if you gave me the time of day? What if we met up and talked? What if we worked things out? What if what if what if?

And yet we’re not. And I have to be ok with that. I can’t waste any more time on the counterfactuals.

We chose our paths, we chose our lives. We made our beds and we lied in them.

You’re living your life. I’m living mine. We breathin’, we chillin’ we makin’ that guap. I’m hustling and grinding, don’t know when I’ll stop.

Even though you were never mine to begin with. I’m letting you go. I’m letting go of the what ifs, could haves, maybes and why nots. They don’t matter in this timeline, in this reality.

In this reality, I am single. I’m alone but I’m not lonely.

In this reality, I am not where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be, and I’ll make damn sure that I don’t stay where I’m at.

In this reality, the best is yet to come. Bae gon’ find me, and when he does I’ll be chasing my dreams.

You weren’t the best I could do. You aren’t something to pine after or miss or regret. You are of my past, and you are best left there.

Goodbye.

 

 

Posted in Heart's Desires

What If I….

…forget about him?

…live my life as though he did not exist?

…chase my dreams, even though being with him is my dream?

…forget about love and romance, and focus on self-love and self-care?

…forget about marriage and children, and focus on changing the world?

…forget about trying to change him and focus on changing myself?

…forget about his happiness and think about my happiness?

…just do me?

Posted in Heart's Desires, Relationships

I Don’t Know Why I Do This

Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment.

Maybe I’m insane. Delusional.

But every time you text me, I text back, thinking that things will be different.

You draw me in with your pretty words.

You draw me in with your inconsistent care.

And then frustration shakes me awake. Why do I make myself so available for you?

You don’t give me half the time, emotion and energy that I devote to you. You take what I give you, and like a miserly penny-pincher, you barely give me anything in return.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of you. I want my heart back. I want my mind back. I want my time back. I want my life back.

I don’t know why I give you so much of myself, when you give me so little.

But this I know for sure, your time is up.