“God is moved by faith, not need”.
The first time I heard these words, I was in undergrad. Upon hearing them, I was livid and bewildered.
How was it possible that God didn’t respond to need? Is He a callous God? Does He not care about the needs of His children?
Those words still haunt me to this day…. but they make more sense with each passing moment.
My life and the life of my best friend is a nice study in contrast I guess.
My best friend is financially stable, essentially. No student loans or debt of any kind. Enough cash to cover whatever expenses/emergencies may come up. Her mom pays all her bills. She’s chilling and wants for nothing.
But even in her state of financial stability, she stays getting money. This chick stays getting money. Whether it be from focus groups/studies she does, or her mom, or random Auntie/Uncle from church, this chick gets money without even blinking an eye. Oh! And people give her stuff too. Free meals, free whatever. She stay getting.
Take my life as a complete and total contrast.
Six figures in debt, including hefty student loans for two Ivy League degrees (undergrad and Master’s), car payments and a vacuum cleaner my parents got in my name. Add to that my car insurance, phone bill, and you’ve got yourself a chick who needs hella money.
I cut out my utility and rent expenses by moving back home, but I still have all this other shit I need to pay off. And yet money seems to elude me.
I’ve applied to what seems like hundreds of jobs and opportunities at this point. The jobs that I really really wanted, I didn’t get. Either I was ignored, they suddenly and strangely stopped hiring for the position (one job stated that due to unforeseen circumstances they could no longer hire for the program.. I was really pumped about that job too), or simply didn’t get the job…. OR I was being offered a ridiculous salary (like $20, when I should be paid $40).
I’ve looked for ways to make alternate income. I submit proposals on upwork. I scour craigslist daily for opportunities. I do what I gotta do.
But I still end up needy as ever. And I ask myself. GOD DO YOU NOT SEE MY NEED?
Now I’m not saying that my friend has all this faith that God is going to provide. Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn’t. I don’t fucking know. But I do know that in all my need….. God hasn’t really swooped in to save me. There are people who have the story of “I never missed a payment for my bills. I never was late on a payment because God always provided.”
That was never my fucking story. I’ve missed countless payments because I had no money to pay. I’ve had to take two jobs and still not have ends meet. I’ve struggled and still found myself drowning underwater. Oh and might I add that I’m generous to a fault?!?!? MIGHT I ADD that I give even when it hurts?!?!? And yet here I am. Broke as fuck.
So when I hear things like “God isn’t moved by need but by faith”, I wonder.
God, if I had all the faith in the world that You will show up for me in the midst of my financial shithole, and I don’t waver in my faith, how will my life be different?
If I spend the next few months rearranging my mindsets about money and about God’s heart for me and my money, how will my life be different?
If I have radical faith that God wants to bless me financially so I can be a blessing to others, how will my life be different?
If I stop stressing out about what I don’t have, and start thanking God for what I do have and for what’s coming, how will my life be different?
If I give God a reason to show up, and if I present God with a challenge, rather than a list of complaints, how will my life be different?
If I stop looking at my best friend’s life and the lives of others and how God seems to be blessing and favoring them, and if I focus on what God has given me, and focus on stewarding that well, how will my life be different?
These are things I’d like to explore within the next few weeks. I’ll be happy to report what I find out!