So I have this song on repeat currently. It’s called Fall by The Belonging Co. Album image below. I really like this song. I pray that one day the lyrics will be my true and lived reality. I’m going to post the lyrics and then my responses in red.
My eyes above what it looks like My eyes above what it looks like I will only see All You promised me
My eyes exactly on what it looks like. Everything looks like it’s going to hell. I don’t see how I’m ever going to get out of debt. I don’t see how I’m ever going to be a social entrepreneur. I don’t see how I’m ever going to change the world. I don’t see how I’m ever going to be married with kids. I don’t see how I’m ever going to convince my parents that I AM NOT SLOW, I AM NOT BEHIND, AND I AM NOT A FUCK UP IN LIFE. All I see is failure and pain all around me. All I see is my stupidity. I can barely even see You anymore. Eyes on what prize? I can’t even see how attaining the prize is a reality in this universe. I feel that faithless right now. Promises. Promises. Promises. For so long I eyed the promises, and my heart got sick. I worked to regain faith and begged You to help me. I got angry. Here I am again. Angry, heartsick and stuck in the mud and mire that is my life after what has been a very long, dreary, rainy season. I am tired. But yet, I declare “My eyes above what it looks like.”
My eyes above what it looks like My eyes above what it looks like I want what You want, I want Kingdom come
God what do You actually want? And am I sure that I want that? Most days I feel like You want my complete and utter demise. Most days I feel like You want me to experience humiliation to the nth degree. What does it mean to have Kingdom come? In my life? In my family? WHY DID YOU MAKE ME GOD?!?!? What does it mean that You made me for Your glory? Does it bring You glory to see me suffering and at the end of myself? Does it bring You glory to see me at my wits’ end? Does it bring You glory to see me downcast in despair????? What brings You glory? My life makes no sense. How can it possibly bring You glory?
Let the weight of Heaven Let the weight of Heaven Fall, Fall, Fall Have your way, Have your way Fall, Fall, Fall Have your way, Have your way
Let Heaven come. Fire Fall Down. Let the weight of Heaven fall. WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS MEAN?!?!?!?!?????? What does it mean for You to have Your way in my life? Again God I ask You. Why did You create me? Why am I alive? I literally don’t understand the purpose of my existence right now. Is my current lived reality You having Your way in my life? Is this what You ordained for me before the foundations of the earth? To live a wretched existence? I simply do not get it.
My faith beyond what it feels like My faith beyond what it feels like All the way to You, All the way to breakthrough breakthrough My faith beyond what it feels like My faith beyond what it feels like Not by power or might Holy Spirit right now
Ughhhhhhhhhhh the most convicting words in this song. God. It feels like shit. Everything looks and feels like shit right now. And yet You’re calling me to HAVE FAITH! To trust in You! To believe YOU and what You have told me. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to die. I want to do anything but continue to live in this tension. This tension of believing Your promises but having everything in my lived and currently reality seem the opposite. This hurts a lot. This is painful. And it’s not like I’m just sitting on my ass doing nothing. I am trying God and I just feel like You’re not doing anything. Why God? Am I doing the wrong things? Not by power or by might….. But by the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit what do You want? What do You want to do???????? I am so confused.
Something’s changing in the spirit Something’s breaking I can feel it Heaven come down Heaven come down
I CANNOT FEEL ANYTHING but my own pain and misery. JESUS HAVE MERCY ON ME AND HELP ME!