Category Archives: Prayers

Encourage Myself in The Lord

God whatever doors You’ve opened for me are for me and I won’t let the lack of money and the lack of the generosity of others stop me.

I will do what You’ve called me to do.

You promised me that people would come alongside me to bring to fruition the visions and ideas You’ve put inside my head and heart.

I stepped out in faith, and it feels like You left me out to dry.

But I know my feelings have lied to me before.

God I choose to recklessly abandon all the pain and hurt and disappointment and frustration of the past and press into Your promises.

You promised and You will act.

My eyes above what it looks like, my eyes above what it looks like. I will only see, what You promised me. 

God have Your way.

You’ve provided for me in the past, and You will provide for me again.

You promised. And I choose to no longer doubt what You’ve said.

My faith beyond what it feels like, my faith beyond what it feels like, all the way to You, all the way to breakthrough breakthrough.

I will experience breakthrough in every area of my life.

And that breakthrough is not dependent upon a single human being.

It’s dependent on You.

You began this work in me.

You chose to bring me into this earth. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live.

You brought me here. You fashioned my future and destiny before the foundations of the world.

You promised that You would complete the work You started in me.

So I’m holding You to Your promises.

I’m holding on and I won’t let go, no matter who may disappoint me. No matter what I may face.

I will rise again and again and again.

No one can keep me down.

Nothing can hold me back.

Not depression, oppression, anger, jealousy, envy, confusion, overwhelm, fear, discouragement, hatred, frustration.

Nothing.

A new day is dawning and I can finally see the light.

And I won’t stop chasing until I’ve apprehended The Sun.

 

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Battlefield of the Mind: Win or Lose?

I have been fighting so hard to not wallow in the pool of negativity that awaits me.

So many thoughts attack me day and night.

Tears flow unbidden.

Frustration peaks, as hope wanes.

I push past my feelings to declare the truth:

You are the Lord. You are good. You are perfect in all of Your ways. You are a Provider. You are faithful.

I say these words with gritted teeth, as my heart pounds and my head throbs.

I am in trouble.

I am tired.

But I am not defeated and I still have time.

Lord don’t let me be put to shame.

If the battle truly is Yours, then fight this fight.

 

Rededicating My Life

So I rededicated my life back to God this morning.

It was a combination of factors:

  1. Weariness of being angry and bitter with Him
  2. Weariness of my confusion concerning my life’s purpose
  3. Listening to Jonathan McReynold’s performances, reading his blogs and scrolling through his Instagram (check out No Gray)
  4. Reading through parts of Without Rival by Lisa Bevere
  5. Reading scripture
  6. A deep desire for more
  7. Holy Spirit’s conviction
  8. Him drawing me back to Himself

 

My life is not my own, for it was bought with a price. What does it profit me if I gain the whole world but lose my soul? I want to receive the Crown of Life He promised me.

I don’t want to live my life in vain.

I don’t want to pursue a JD/MBA/MPP/PhD in vain.

I don’t want to pursue financial independence and debt freedom in vain.

I don’t want to be so focused pursuing my goals that I lose sight of the most important thing: JESUS.

I lost my way. Like a prodigal daughter I turned my heart away from my Father. In anger, in my distorted view, I focused on my passions, my lusts and my desires until they sickened me, until there was no more pleasure to be derived from them.

I’m literally at a point where I cannot continue as I have been. There’s no reason to continue living this way.

I need Him.

I’m tired of being angry.

I’m tired of crying bitter tears.

I’m tired of trying to live without Him.

I’m tired of striving.

Matthew 6:33, 1 Corinthians 2:9 and Ephesians 3:20 are 3 of my life scriptures, and they go hand in hand.

Matthew 6:33 – Seek first the kingdom of God and all righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

1 Corinthians 2:9 – Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man, the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.

Ephesians 3:20 – Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all you can ask, think or imagine……

Somewhere in the depths of my depression, I forgot the truth.

Now that I’ve made the decision to rededicate. I need to maintain my commitment. I’m going on a detox (spirit, soul and body).

As I feel led, I’ll share what I learn along the way.

Blessings to y’all. And as always, I promise to keep it very real.

Why I Can’t Leave God Even Though I’m So Angry With Him

I’ve thought about leaving God before. Never seriously of course. Just a flicker across my mind space.

But I’ll never do it. I’ll never leave him. And here’s why.

  1. There is literally no one else equipped enough to deal with my pain. Not saying that I alone have suffered more than anyone else in this world because it’s not true. But I’m saying based on my life experience, people just can’t handle all the shit I’ve been through wholesale. Just in pieces. God is the only One brave enough and strong enough to deal with all my pain, dysfunction, brokenness and craziness. Literally #OnlyOneWorthy
  2. He’s been faithful to me. Gasp lol I actually admitted that out loud. But it’s true. No matter how forsaken and abandoned I feel. The truth is that God has never left me. Never. On my darkest nights, when I was 3 steps away from downing a pill bottle, slitting my wrists, jumping in front of train tracks or completely cracking, He rescued me. He has always been true. Just because my current shitty life circumstances have dulled my ability to see His shine, doesn’t mean He’s any less shiny. Just because I can’t really connect with Him like I used to, doesn’t mean He’s not there. He’s faithful, even in the midst of this darkness I’m going through.
  3. We’ve been through so much together. So many nights where I cried myself to sleep. So many nights where I couldn’t sleep. So many days where I questioned the reason for my existence. Through family drama, friendship drama, health drama, finance drama…. He’s seen it all. And He’s been my Rock when I was in a hard place. I can’t just throw Him away. We have memories….
  4. Because He did it before, I know He’ll do it again. Because God has helped me get through some serious shit in the past, I just know that He’ll help me get through this current rough patch.
  5. He’s given me unwreckable, immovable faith. Noticed I didn’t say unshakeable. I think my faith has been shaken over the years. But it hasn’t been wrecked. My faith has been shaken, but it hasn’t been moved, uprooted and cast away. Because of this unwreckable, immovable faith, I can stay with Him even though I am so deeply angry with Him.

 

I don’t typically like when people compare one’s relationship with God to marriage/romance because I’m kinda weird about that stuff… working through shit and whatnot.

But I feel like I’m in a loveless marriage with God. We in it for the long haul because we exchanged vows at the cross. But….. I’m not enjoying this relationship anymore. It feels like a chore and I’m really really sad in addition to angry.

God…. I don’t question Your existence. I know You’re there. In fact You’re right next to me. Please help. Let’s make things right again. I don’t want to be bitter and angry towards You anymore. I don’t want to hate You. I don’t want to be in a loveless marriage with You. I don’t want to be in this place of  absolute rage and sadness. Please help me see the truth about how You feel about me. I don’t want to die here in this wilderness.

Fuck! Do I Sign the Lease or Not?!?!?

Ugh le sigh…. so much has happened over the past 96 hours.

Parents have convinced me finally to come home.

I want to come home because I want to save $$$$ and start my business.

I want to get ready for the next step: which is going back to school to pursue my JD/MBA.

The problem is…. I have to sign a lease within the next one week to stay in my current place for another year.

I don’t want to. I don’t plan to.

But I have to quickly find someone to take my place.

And even though they’re irrelevant, I’m afraid of the potential conflict this might cause between me and my roommates, who I’ve gotten pretty close to lately. My parents and bestie don’t understand this part about me…. but I do consider other people, quite heavily when I make decisions….how my actions might impact them, etc. Idk why. I wish I would stop. #fuckinginfjproblems

Fuck.

I’m tired.

Too much to do.

Not enough time. Not enough energy.

I need to go back home though.

Pray for your girl y’all.

You Promised….

…that I would be an example academically, financially, spiritually and in all areas of my life

…that money would never be my problem

…that I would build new structures and new ways of doing things

…that I would be working in arts and media on and off camera

…that I would be instrumental to the Black community

…that You would speed things up financially for me

…that my debt would be paid off and it would be paid faster than I thought!

…that You would provide the money I needed to get my education

…that You were calling me to do things that no one had done before

…that I would open a small business

…that I would bring revival in the Black community

…that I would lead Black people, particularly Black women to purity and humility

…that I would be a mystic

…that I would make huge impacts in business and government

…that You would give me favor with You and people on all that I did

…that You would give me incredible platforms to speak to people

…that I would restore ruined cities and ancient ruins

…that I would help people change their lives

…that I would work with children in a variety of capacities, and rescue them from darkness all over the world

…that You would give me the grace to balance many different projects #productivity #efficiency

…that You would use my writing to the ends of the earth

…that You would provide everything I needed this summer

…that I would experience radical freedom

…that I would have friends in high places of business, government and other spheres of society

…that You would take me to many cultures and peoples all across the world to lead worship, to do missions, and business (consulting)

…that I would change the lives of high schoolers across the nation

…that You would give me an anointing to connect people with money and resources

…that You would give me an Ephesians 3:20 husband

…that I would write music that would change people’s lives

………………………….AND MUCH MORE! SO MANY THINGS YOU PROMISED ME!

And yet here I am watching other people getting what You promised me. It’s like the more You speak the less I believe You. #fixitJesus #IwanterrthangYoupromisedme #andthensome

 

Prayers from Heartsick Saints: Psalms Edition

God where the hell are you? Why are you taking so long to answer me in my time of need? I’m in deep shit. See all the fuckery around me. My enemies are rejoicing. It feels like all the weapons formed against me are prospering. (Inspired by Psalm 69:17-18)

God everywhere I look I see trouble and fuckery. My issues, failure and mistakes are more than I can count. I have no idea how I’m going to get out of this mess. I’ve lost all motivation and strength to continue. God help me. Come quickly and help me. (Inspired by Psalm 40:12-13)

God You are my only safe place. You are my strength when I have no strength. You’re always ready to help me when I’m in trouble. Even though my life is in complete shambles and I have no idea how I will survive, I won’t worry or be afraid. Those are wasted emotions anyway. But seriously, can You do something though???? (Inspired by Psalm 46:1-2).

God I’m sorry but I don’t really see Your unfailing love. I know You don’t quit on me, but I don’t feel like You love me, because if You did love me then….

  1. I wouldn’t be stuck in a stupid, dead-end job that I hate
  2. I wouldn’t have been suspended from my current job
  3. I wouldn’t have been fired from my other job
  4. I wouldn’t be stuck six figures in debt… You own the cattle on a thousand hills and couldn’t spare $100K for me to go to school AND YET YOU DID IT FOR OTHER PEOPLE! People who didn’t have to hustle hard for shit. They just batted an eyelash and money came their way.
    1. Matter of fact…. I have to fight for everything I’ve got. Favor? What is that God? What is favor? Something I DO NOT HAVE. “Oh you’re blessed and highly favored”. I’ll take what you’re smoking because when I look at my life, I don’t see favor. I see 1,001 ways that life has gone wrong. I see screw-ups, fuck-ups and blow-ups. And when I look to the left and to the right, it seems like no one is struggling as much as I am. Ok, I’m not homeless. I have air to breathe. I’m not in the hospital. BUT I AM TIRED OF BEING GRATEFUL FOR THE MOST BASIC OF NEEDS. I thought I was supposed to be living an abundant life. Since when did having a roof over my head, being able to breathe and being healthy equate to that? Someone please help me understand. God do You keep your promises or not?
  5. I wouldn’t be teaching stupid Biology. Everyone hates Biology. Why did You want me to teach Biology so badly? Why didn’t I get picked to teach something else?
  6. I wouldn’t be suffering for this long. I get that life is not without suffering, but why has it really been several years since I’ve been dealing with the same shit. While others are progressing. I thought I was Your favorite. Is this how you treat Your favorites?

But what the fuck do I know about love anyway. I’m not God. I’m just a bitter young twenty-something trying to figure out how to make life suck less.