Category Archives: Relationships

I’m Getting Stronger Mentally

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’ve come a long way since that fateful day my junior year, when I told you I didn’t want to be a doctor anymore.

Your anger, threats, disapproval and mockery of me and my decision and my dreams just about drove me into a downward spiral of despair. My mind became fractured, and my struggle with anxiety and depression intensified.

I would try to think about my future, but each thought would be crowded out my millions of thoughts passing at breakneck speed, most of them thoughts of failure, fear, self-doubt and self-hatred. Confusion drowned my consciousness like embalming fluid submerges a corpse.

I could not think straight.

I began to live for one day at a time, so that I did not have to think so hard and cry myself to sleep as I did for months and months at first.

I wanted to die. I felt like I had lost my sense of self and I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Flash forward a few years….. a few more years of struggle with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation….and then….and then….

ANGER.

I got angry at how much of my life was stolen away by my fear of your disapproval.

So I fought back. I told you the truth about how I felt. At times I stopped talking to you while I rebuilt my sense of self.

And here we are!

I’m living to pursue my dreams and God’s call on my life.

You still have your doubts. You’re still trying to persuade me to go to medical school. You still are worried that I will end up poor and financially unstable.

I know my current situation doesn’t bring you much hope for the future.

I know my current situation makes me look like a hopeless failure.

I know this has been painful for you to see me struggle and stumble my way through the first half of my 20s.

You laugh at me when I share my wildest, craziest dreams with you.

You shake your head at me when I imagine how my life could be different. How I could end up doing something different. How idealistic of me. How foolish and naïve of me to think such grand thoughts.

Mom and Dad, I don’t blame you for laughing. I’m not even mad at you anymore.

I no longer get angry when you suggest I go to med school.

Your disapproval of my choices no longer drives me to anxiety and depression.

I am stronger now.

I believe in myself.

And mark my words. The both of you will have first class plane tickets and front row seats to my success.

Mark my words.

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Prayer of Gratitude for Past Relationships

Dear God,

I have so much to say, but I’ll leave that for my personal diary… LOL.

I just wanted to take the time to say thank You.

I was triggered a few minutes ago and tempted to be very angry, but then the words from Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod came to me:

“If you want something you’ve never gotten, then you’ll have to do what you’ve never done.”

I’ve never put much effort into regulating my thoughts. I’ve always allowed them to come unbidden and I’ve ruminated on them in a way that made me feel depressed and anxious.

BUT NO MORE. Today I’m going to do what I’ve never done.

God thank You for my past relationships. Thank You for the relationships I enjoyed while I was in that gritty city that shall not be named.

I admit to You that I was angry at Artemis because it seems like she’s trying to steal all my friends now that I’m no longer there.

But God, what would make more sense, rather than being angry about something I cannot control, is to give You thanks for the time I did have with those friends.

You knew what I needed right when I needed it.

And I trust that You’ll bring me friendships and relationships to help me in this next phase of life.

I will not look back and pine for what seems to have been lost.

I will not strive or jockey for position, nor will I force others to maintain relationships with me now that I’m gone.

There are more than enough people in the world to develop friendships with.

So thank You! Thank You for this revelation. And thank You for your peace.

In Jesus’ name.

Amen.

Moment of Truth: JD/MBA Timing

Mom and Dad,

I’m not going to law school in 2018. Nah. Y’all want to push me and pull me and force me to do shit.

Y’all want me to go so badly in 2018.

And yet, think about WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE DOING.

Every FUCKING DAY, you give me errands and shit to do.

EVERY FUCKING DAY, I am running around or doing something for you.

Depositing checks. Driving places to do shit. Picking up children. Cooking meals. Cleaning. Typing. Editing.

DOING SOME SHIT.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO STUDY FOR THE GMAT AND LSAT IF YOU WILL NOT LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?!?!?!?!?!???

I’ll take this fucking GMAT in November.

And I may even take this LSAT in December.

BUT I AM NOT FUCKING GOING TO SCHOOL IN 2018.

Y’all can cry, scream, yell, do whatever the fuck you want to.

I’m not going.

And I don’t feel bad.

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. – Proverbs 29:25

I struggle with trusting God, but I’m on my way mom and dad.

I’m learning to listen to my intuition, one of the ways in which God speaks.

And my intuition is telling me that going to school in 2018 is a FUCKING BAD IDEA.

ESPECIALLY since you guys want to use me like a tool.

So I’m not going.

I’m tired of living my life in a way that isn’t true, real, authentic and is based on the whims of others.

And I am more desperate than ever to get my finances in place so I never have to be in a vulnerable situation again where I’m relying on people, even if those people are my parents.

But on some real shit, though, I need to start studying for this GMAT and LSAT again.

I’m supposed to be fasting….. but I also need coffee in order to stay awake in the early morning…. maybe I can do a modified fast lol. Or nah. God help because I need to get my life together. People are trying to plan my life for me.

Sometimes My Mom Sounds Like Jesus

Hebrews 12:11 –  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

So my mom went in on my entire life this morning. Still recovering from that but man I can’t help but think that she’s right in some ways.

I’ll spare you all the gory details but she essentially said that I’m fucking up in life and need to get it together.

The way she said it really irked me and I told her that. I then got really defensive and started yelling at her.

She got mad at me naturally.

Then she told me that it doesn’t matter how exactly she chooses to “correct” me as she’s my mom and she can do that and that at the end of the day it’s her job to correct me.

And then she referenced Hebrews 12:11 written above.

Before that moment I was really upset, annoyed and all of it. But when she stated that scripture…. something kinda clicked/went off/did something.

And I started to wonder. Damn God….. (not damn God but like damn, God)….. am I here in this messed up place because I have refused to take Your correction? Perhaps You’ve been disciplining me in the past and I’ve run away from You.

Discipline and correction are painful. And for a highly sensitive person such as myself, take that discipline and correction and ratchet the pain level all the way to level 100 every time. I don’t fucking know why I’m like that.

But I no longer want to be that way.

I don’t want to be a fool that despises correction.

But I also don’t want to be a people pleaser.

I want to be able to discern when to heed the advice of my parents, and when to let go of their words…..

God this is super frustrating for me. Help me please.

So Over…..Non Apologetic Abusers

Note: This post is dedicated to every girl, woman and child that has suffered unspeakables at the hands of a non-apologetic abuser. You are worth it. You are beautiful. You aren’t damaged goods. You have the power to move past what was done to you. Don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology. Get help. Get well. Get whole. And be unapologetically you.

 

Dear _________________,

So I heard that you’re getting married. I didn’t believe it at first. But it’s true. You’ve found happiness and are moving on with your life.

I see you at church almost every Sunday when I’m back home and I wonder if you remember. Do you remember those lazy afternoons in the basement?

Do you remember those times? Those times you convinced me to play those “games” with you?

Do you remember how uneasy I felt, and how long you would take trying to convince me to lay down and let you lay on top of me, gliding your body over mine, rhythmically, sensually, over and over again. I would feel you and I would feel me, and I would feel disgusted at it all.

Do you remember how unwanted and unloved you made me feel? Do you remember all the times you and your friend would call me ugly and told me I stink?

And then after he went away you would take me to the basement to continue our “game”.

When I see you, it seems like you don’t remember. There is this strange air between us when we speak, and yet no one has stepped forward to call out the elephant in the room.

But I remember.

You ruined me.

Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

From you, I learned to confuse lust with love, and self-loathing with humility.

From you, I learned to believe that love hurts.

From you, I learned to believe that I wasn’t valued, seen or wanted, except for my body, and even then, it was never enough. Never enough to keep you.

My first sexual and emotional experience was with you. And I’ll never be able to un-write that. I didn’t choose you. I didn’t choose this.

I know it doesn’t help to dwell on things like this. All I can do is focus on my healing, wellness and wholeness.

But damn some days I still wonder why after all you’d done, why didn’t you choose me?

You ruined me and moved on with your life, and I’m still picking up the pieces from 18 years ago.

Now you’re getting married. And I’m supposed to act like this never happened. And I have to get over it.

No apology, no confrontation… nothing at all.

Funny thing is, an apology isn’t what I need from you anyway. There are things I need that you can’t give me.

I need to know that one day I won’t be disgusted by my own body and sexuality.

I need to know that one day I won’t be weird about physical intimacy and touch from other men.

I need to know that one day I won’t be afraid of relational intimacy and of people knowing and loving me.

I need to know that I’ll meet and find a man that loves me truly, deeply and unconditionally, even the most broken parts of me.

I need to know that I’m loved and accepted as I am, regardless of what was done to me.

I need to know that this won’t hurt for forever….that I’ll get past this.

I need to know that one day I’ll look at you and I won’t wonder why you used and abused me and failed to choose me.

I need to know that this abuse won’t continue to define me, nor my legacy.

I need to know that I’ll be more than ok.

 

Why I Don’t Have Friends Like That. Vent Sesh: Roomies Vol. 2

As much as I love people….

As much as I am capable of being super social….

As much as I like spending time getting to know people…

As much as I would like to have lots of friends…

I don’t.

This particular roommate experience has really called into question all that I thought I knew about myself.

I thought I was loving, forgiving, understanding…. and I am, to a certain extent. That extent is not as expansive as I originally thought.

Living with three (now two) other girls has brought out the ugliest parts of me that I don’t want to acknowledge and see.

I am horribly insecure.

I struggle with jealousy.

I am vindictive.

And I am broken as fuck.

My roommate Gift did me dirty. While she and Artemis were abroad, I came to the conclusion that I had to move back home. Once I made up my mind, I immediately emailed them both. I expressed my situation, and my intentions to find people to replace me and Asparagus who broke the lease earlier in the year.

Gift got mad. And rather than talking to me about it. She went behind my back to plot with Artemis about moving out together. Then she decided to move back home. Even though her home life is dysfunctional as shit.

Why? Because she felt “blindsided”.

Bitch….I told you as soon as I made the decision. What do you mean blindsided?

She then came up with a stupid ass reason as to why the girl taking my place should pay more for my room. According to Gift, my room was the biggest in the house and the only reason why I didn’t pay more was because I had a car and I drove them (Gift and Artemis) around.

Mind you, we never had this discussion when we all moved in.

So this means that Gift was feeling some type of way about our living arrangements this whole time, and never said anything.

But what is there to say really….? It was too late. We all settled on our rooms….

It just makes me wonder though….what else are you hiding in that big ass head of yours? What other lies have you told me since we started living together?

In any case, the chick taking my place is paying more, but Gift is moving out. How fucking stupid.

Y’all probably don’t understand why I’m mad.

Well if you read Vent Sesh 1, you know that these girls have been all clique-y and annoying….

I have history with these girls. I tried to be friends with these girls… when Gift was struggling with her mental health, I actually tried to reach out!

Now’s she’s on medication, she’s feeling herself and she swerved me and pushed me to the curb like yesterday’s trash.

This is why I don’t have friends for real (minus my sisters from other misters s/o to y’all). People do dirty shit all the time and they keep coming for me when I don’t even send for them.

So when I get tired of taking all the shit, I do what I do best. Avoid. I’m avoiding Gift. I’m avoiding Artemis and I’m cancelling plans. I may not even say goodbye when I move out. Because they hurt me and I don’t want to have a conversation about the shit they did. Because I already had conversations in the past and they didn’t change circumstances. And honestly, I know that part of this is my fault. I gave them the power to make me this hurt and angry.

I don’t make it a point to do bitchy, vindictive stuff to people for no reason. I aim and strive to love everyone, to be inclusive, to make people feel welcomed. But then people don’t extend that same reciprocity to me. So naturally, I get mad.

Mad like I am now.

I wish I could turn back the clock and erase this past year. I wish I never agreed to live with these ladies. None of the prophetic words that those people stated came true. At least not for me. I can’t say that I learned a ton from these women. I can’t say that living with them has made me a better person. It’s just made me more aware of my brokenness.

These women profited from the sweat of my brow… my emotional, physical and spiritual labor. They took advantage of my kindness and withheld their own from me.

I’m disgusted.

I want to live on my own.

This roommate life ain’t for me.

Furthermore, I need to figure out how to love people but still guard my heart. Because this whole getting your heart stomped on shit ain’t cute.

I’m tired of loving people and getting bit in the ass.

I’m tired of caring about people who don’t give a damn about me.

I’m tired of all this fake ass shit.

I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.

As much as I want friends… I don’t want the drama that comes with having fake ass friends. I don’t want the pain. I don’t want to have to deal with the fake in the process of getting the real.

If you’re a real friend stand up and clap for yourself. Because the older I get, the more I realize how hard it is to find a real friend these days.

Mom…You Can Bother Me If You Want To

Mom I hate when you ask me to do stuff for you.

It’s always at the worst possible moment, when I’d rather be doing something else.

And it’s usually never an easy fix. It’s usually something that requires more thought and energy than I’d like to give in the moment.

When I show my displeasure at being asked yet again to do something, you stiffen, and immediately shift into martyr mode.

You don’t even have to look me in the eye.

You don’t even have to say a word.

I already know.

You’ve sacrificed so much for me in life. Surely I can spend some of my precious time to help you in your endeavors.

And the truth is that one day, you won’t have the luxury of bothering me. You won’t have the opportunity to annoy me.

One day you’ll be dead.

And in the days following…. I will wish with all that I am that I had one more moment with you. Even if it was for you to bother me. I will regret all the seconds, minutes and hours I spent being annoyed with you for pestering me.

I will regret everything.

So with that in mind, mom, I’ll gladly do what you’ve asked me to do.

I love you after all, and what you’ve asked me to do certainly isn’t rocket science.

I’m sorry I’m such a bitch sometimes mom. I really do love you. I just struggle with showing it sometimes. I’m trying to get better.

Please forgive me.