Category Archives: Relationships

This Ain’t #WasteHerTime2018

For all of them who didn’t get the memo.

New year, new rules.

Don’t waste my time.

If you do, I will perform the greatest disappearing act you have ever seen.

 

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The Roots of Addiction

The root of addiction is emptiness

Reaching and grasping for something

Anything that will bring meaning

Purpose, worth, satisfaction

Oh the illusion

 

The root of addiction is pain

Stinging, aching, stabbing

The heart and psyche bruised from traumas big and small

How can you ever get rid of it all?

Numb it.

Black it out.

Drink it away. Cut it away. Eat it away.

But the irony is that addiction leaves you high and dry

Once the illusion wears off

The pain comes back sharper than ever before.

 

I’ve come to realize just how deep this need runs

This need to be fulfilled

This need to manage the pain

As I reflect upon my life

And the countless addictions I’ve conquered

It seems that with each victory comes a new battle.

And then I realize….addictions are signposts

They are symptoms of a deeper issue.

If I deal with the root

Then I can kill the fruit.

 

Selah.

When I Was a Sucker For Romance Part 1

I used to be such a sucker for romance

Novels, movies, animes, Asian dramas

Indiscriminately absorbing romance regardless of the medium

I just wanted to feel loved

By living vicariously through the characters

I hoped to fill a void

To feel a sense of worthiness that had been ripped away from me as a child

I wanted to be loved like the girls in the movies…..

I pursued for love

I stalked for love

I embarrassed myself for love

And it felt like no matter how hard I tried

Love couldn’t find me

Fast forward to major heartbreak

So this is what a heart attack feels like

I can’t breathe without crying

I can’t smile without lying

I don’t even know who I am anymore

What is love?

Don’t ask me.

Because if you do, I’ll tell you:

Love is pain.

Love is shame.

Love is a game, and somehow I always lose.

 

Flashback Foolishness

My heart has let you go

I no longer feel pain at what never was and never will be

So please explain to me why memories of a lifetime past

Run uninvited through my mind

At the slightest, inconsequential trigger?

 

Now that I have completely forgiven you

Can I opt for amnesia too?

I don’t want to remember the stupid decisions I made

The embarrassing things I did and said

All in an attempt to make you someone you could never be

You could never be mine AND THANK GOD

Because I don’t want you

 

They say forgive and forget

And believe me I’m trying

I seriously don’t want to remember anything about you

Anything about me when I was around you/”with” you

I don’t want to remember the pain

The time wasted

 

I guess this is just one of those things

You just have to fight the memories

Until they’re dead and gone

You just have to make new memories

Until there’s no more room for the old ones

 

This is the price of giving your heart to an unworthy other

When what you desire doesn’t come to fruition

And they throw your heart and your love away

You must pick up the pieces of your bruised and bleeding heart

You must rebuild your self-esteem and confidence that have fallen apart

And you must fight every thought that seeks to take you back

You must conquer the flashbacks

Conquering Your Parents’ Anxiety

If you’re anything like me, you have overbearing, overly anxious parents who love you to death.

Yes to death. They nag, they guilt trip, they bring up conversations that make you feel like you’re failing them and yourself.

Your parents have a very clear idea of who you are and what you’re supposed to do, when you’re supposed to do it and according to them you are way behind schedule.

It’s one thing if you have to deal with their anxiety from afar, but if you happen to be one of the millenials that fell on hard times and is living back at home to get your life back together (I raise my hand to this…I’m in this category), then you have the pleasure of confronting your parents’ anxiety up close and personal almost every day.

It takes different forms. They’ll start off with a question like: “How are you”. And then you answer. And then another question, “So how far?” And you know what that means.

How far with the job search?

How far with your applications?

When are you going back to school?

When are you going to get married and have kids?

Do you know that your peers have graduated from their third degree and are getting married/already married and working on their second child?!?!?

Before you know it, you’re deep into a conversation you didn’t plan to and didn’t want to have. You feel your emotions rising, you feel the weight of heaviness, NOT THIS AGAIN!!!!

This was me a few days ago, until I was given a divine strategy to face and conquer my parents’ fears head on.

Notice the word conquer. NOT deal with. To deal with means to “take measures concerning something, especially with the intention of putting something right”. If you have the kind of parents I have, intentions aren’t enough. You need resolve. You need strength. You need to conquer (“successfully overcome a problem or weakness”).

You see, you can’t change your parents. You can’t control how they love you and how they fear for you. I have tried and I see that through my own strength it is impossible. So how do you conquer? How do you successfully overcome the problem of your parents’ fear and the impact it can have on you?

 

You must acknowledge that your parents’ anxiety is impacting you in a way that is very negative. 

For me, I realized that each time I walked away from a conversation with my parents, I left feeling even more anxious than they were! It’s like I completely forgot about my life vision, the God I served, and the resolve I made to trust Him with my life. I would leave those conversations with my parents, often in tears, because I felt like a humongous failure with little to no hope of redemption. I absorbed their anxiety. I owned it and it became my own. Until a few days ago….

A few days ago my mom and I had a conversation with my mom and she asked me about how I was going to juggle my future career and educational aspirations with a marriage and children. These words came out of her mouth “It’s impossible”, “You are very behind”, “You’re almost too late to start having children.” Mind you I’m 25. But imagine the kind of impact those words had on me! I immediately felt my chest constrict and I felt a heaviness settle upon me. I was in danger of absorbing the anxiety she had just spoken forth. Dangerously close. We talked and I reacted and tried to make her see things my way, but then I realized yet again, that I cannot necessarily control how she sees things. So I focused on speaking my truth. I noticed that when I spoke my truth (which is based on the word of God) she couldn’t refute what I was saying, and she even reiterated that what I was saying was correct. And yet, she still continued affirming her own line of reasoning.

I left her room with the heaviness still upon me, and did the next thing.

Cast your cares and burdens on the one who is able to handle them

For me that is my God. That is Jesus Christ. I immediately started journaling about my feelings and how I felt. Rather than let my feelings fester, I let it out. I confessed my fear.

When we aren’t quick to confront our feelings, they ferment and become something else entirely!

  1. Unconfronted insecurity –> jealousy*
  2. Unconfronted jealousy –> murder*
  3. Unconfronted anger –> bitterness
  4. Unconfronted anger turned inward –> depression
  5. Unconfronted fear –>anxiety, self-condemnation because you’re too afraid to try anything and to be who you’re supposed to be, and DISTORTED VISION

I had experienced how fear had robbed me of life and pushed me to make poor decisions, so I told myself I wasn’t going to hold onto these feelings.

See your parents through the eyes of love and extract the wisdom from their words

This was the hardest thing to do for me, for MANY years, however God has given me the grace to do both. I saw my mom and her great love for me and it became impossible for me to be angry with her for placing pressures on me and telling me things that caused me to feel fear and anxiety.

I also heard what she said and I took the good from it. We extract diamonds from rocks and pay exorbitant prices for them. Wisdom is much more valuable than gold and diamonds. And wisdom is found in unlikely places. Not everything that my mom said was helpful, but there was truth in some of what she said! I took the truth, saw my mom through the eyes of love and brought the truth before God. He confirmed what my mom said, but in a very beautiful, loving and encouraging way. God knows what we need to hear and how we need to hear it for maximum impact. He is good! And He is God!

Remind yourself of who you are!!!!

Sometimes in the midst of fear, you forget who you are. You forget that you are amazing and capable. You forget that God has a purpose for your life. You forget that you were born to do great things. But that’s why it’s so important to remind yourself of who you are! I listened to a sermon by a woman of God I respect so much (Tiphani Montgomery) and I felt myself remembering again. Remembering who I was, what I was called to and why I couldn’t allow myself to absorb anxiety of any kind.

In a world that is constantly telling you how badly you’ve messed up and how you need to hurry up to catch up, you must be VERY INTENTIONAL about strengthening yourself in the TRUTH.

Fight the good fight and don’t give up!

Conquering your parents’ anxiety isn’t a one and done type deal. As long as your parents are alive and you’re alive, they’ll find reason to fear for you. BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WALK IN THAT FEAR. You can be free from it and you can also pray that they would be set free! You must be steadfast in walking and operating from a place of truth and love as it relates to parents and their anxiety, and you must dedicate yourself to remembering who you are in the midst of the pressures and expectations they place on you. Do not give up! Keep fighting. Freedom is yours! And when you’re free, you can set other people free also! That includes your parents! Freedom is a whole family affair!

 

*Dr. Matthew Stevenson III said this and he is RIGHT ON. Go check out his stuff on Youtube. The man is incredible.