Posted in So Over.....

Sometimes I Just Want To…….

….curse somebody out.

….flip someone off.

….curse God and die.

 

I woke up this morning and found out that the school I work for docked my pay by $429.60. That is an ENTIRE car payment AND gas money.

I was soooooooo angry. I cried as quietly as I could, given that I have roommates.

I read scripture. I journaled.

I’m trying to understand. But there is nothing to understand. This is my life.

I need every single dollar that comes my way. And yet now I will be several hundred dollars short. I hate this place so much.

I’m also really angry at God. He just keeps letting shit happen. For what reason? What is Your purpose God? Didn’t Your word say “After you have suffered a little while the God of all comfort will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you?”

THIS IS MORE THAN A LITTLE WHILE! This is day after day. Week after week. Month after month. FOR YEARS! FOR YEARS I have struggled to deal with the reality that is my shitty life. Not once have I felt like a success, in any area! No goals have been met. None. This year I decided to throw all my goals away and “follow You”…..and this is where I ended up.

I don’t understand You God. I don’t know why You’re doing this to me…. or at the very least letting it happen. I don’t know how any of this could be love. I really don’t. But I’m here.

Posted in So Over.....

I Am So Over This Job

I HATE THIS FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!

Make a difference they said.

Change and transform lives they said.

Help inner city youth they said.

Children are the future they said.

And here I am, with beautiful, rebellious diamonds in the rough.

I love these children

And yet being with them makes me want to pull all my hair out.

I love these children

And yet being in this job makes me want to kill myself

I love these children

And yet every day I can’t help but think “I hate this fucking job”

I love these children

And yet I hate teaching them Biology

I hate teaching them classroom management.

I hate nagging them

I hate telling them what to do fifty million times as if they are 5 years old

I hate that my administration blames me for their STUPID FUCKING BEHAVIORS

I hate that everything is my fault

It’s always the teacher’s fault.

I hate dealing with attitudes

I hate dealing with laziness

DAY IN AND DAY OUT IT DOES NOT STOP! It is a sickening, relentless wave of foolishness and disrespect. WHY? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT?

How THE FUCK did I end up here?

Posted in So Over.....

So Over Limiting Myself….I’ve Got Options!!!!!

I graduated from not one, but TWO Ivy League Schools.

Dartmouth Class of 2014.

University of Pennsylvania Class of 2016.

I’m not an idiot! I’ve got connections! Networks! Options!

Never should I ever feel like I’m stuck and have no where to go! I just need to keep searching. Never give up.

There are plenty of people who don’t have HALF of what I have, and yet they are out there, making MILLIONS and BILLIONS!

Why do I constantly shortchange, underestimate and limit myself?

I’m done with that! Time to flex my mental resources, intellect, social capital and relational equity. This is not a time to sit back and feel at the mercy of someone else’s actions.

I AM AT THE MERCY OF NO ONE BUT GOD!!! PEOPLE CANNOT STOP ME! NOTHING WILL DULL MY SHINE. EVERY DISAPPOINTMENT AND SETBACK WILL ONLY BRING ME CLOSER TO MY DESTINY!!!

 

Posted in So Over.....

I Was…. I Am….

I was angry this morning that my administrators wasted my time. My meeting was scheduled for 9:00 am this morning. I HAD TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW. They didn’t show up. I had to text one of them to find out that they had rescheduled my meeting for Monday morning at 9:00 am. I guess I was somehow supposed to know by osmosis that they changed the meeting time.

I am fine now. People are going to do stupid, inconsiderate shit. No need to let it ruin my day.

I was kinda semi-depressed that I didn’t have my meeting today because I wanted some closure. Really wanted to know if I was fired today or not. Guess I’ll have to wait on Monday. I slept most of the morning.

I am no longer down. I’m currently applying to jobs.

I was bitter that shit keeps going down in my life. Would love a good break.

I am now over being bitter. And doing what I can to build myself up… because no one else is going to do it for me.

I was anxious this morning that I would cry at my meeting. I was nervous that I would make a fool of myself.

I am now at peace. I have no more tears to cry and even if I did, these people don’t deserve my tears.

I was afraid that they would rip me from my beloved high schoolers that I have grown to love and cherish.

I am ok with that possibility. The time I had with my kids is a gift. If I get to have any more time with them, that’s cool. If not, that’s fine also. I will have plenty more opportunities to influence and impact the lives of high school students. It’s possible that being a classroom teacher isn’t for me. And that’s ok. There are many more ways to educate people.

I was angry, bitter, afraid. I am none of those things now. I am inspired. I am ready to face the music. I am ready to fly.

Posted in Relationships, So Over.....

So Over Waiting for People To Validate and Appreciate ME

This is going to be a short one lol.

All my life I’ve looked for the approval of others. I’ve looked to others for advice, encouragement, support, appreciation.

No more. We need other people, this is true. But we do ourselves a disservice when we build our identity around what other people can and can’t give us. What other people will and won’t do for us.

There are plenty of people that I love and care about. I reach out to them and try to maintain relationships and connection. They don’t give me back that same energy. I pine and beg for reciprocity. Fuck that. No more. I will be who I am. I will love others if I choose to, regardless of what they do or don’t do for me. I won’t look to them for my worth and value. I am worthy and valuable. I’m awesome. The actions and inactions of others don’t affirm or negate that.

I’m so over waiting for people to validate and appreciate me.

Posted in So Over.....

So Over Feeling Sorry For Myself

So I took some time this morning to read scripture and meditate on my life. I realized that I have wasted SO MUCH TIME indulging in a pity party for one, regurgitating and recycling all the emotions of hatred, anger, misery, self-doubt, bitterness and pain because my life hasn’t ended up the way I wanted it to.

HOW FOOLISH! I believe there is a place for grief… to mourn what has been lost and to feel the pain of what has happened… but I don’t believe in wallowing. And yet, that is what I have done. For years. Well I say no more.

As I read scripture, I realized that life will continue. Troubles will come. Shit will happen. I can’t control whether or not bad things come my way. I live in a broken, bat-shit crazy world. I can’t control whether or not I will get fired tomorrow. I can’t control the decisions that people make about me. I can’t control what people think about me.

But there are many other things I can control.

  1. I can control what I choose to think about. I choose to stop thinking thoughts of self-pity, worry, doubt and fear. WHERE HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS LED ME? Answer: Nowhere productive!
  2. I can control how I spend my time. Rather than spend hours thinking about how much life sucks, and MORE HOURS scrolling through other people’s accounts of how awesome their lives are, WHY DON’T I INVEST TIME IN MYSELF, BUILDING MY DREAMS, AND TRANSFORMING MY WORLD?
  3. I can control what and who I will allow to affect me. Why should I care about what others think about me and my choices? When has that ever allowed me to live an abundant, rich and successful life? Why do I allow people, things and ideas into my life that don’t push me closer to my destiny?
  4. I can control what I value. I live in a society whose values may differ from mine. That same society pushes its values on me daily. But I must live my values. I must take the time to clarify what I believe in and fight to stay true to my values and convictions, no matter the cost. Easier said than done obviously, but seeing where I am currently… what’s the point in sacrificing my values…? Where has that led me?
  5. I can control how I spend my money…. well for the most part lol. Due to my ridiculous debt burden, most of my dollars are spoken for, but the money I’m not using to pay down debt can be used in a productive way! To generate more income! I just need to learn how!

I was very inspired by a post I read this morning in my inbox. Tonya Rapley from My Fab Finance. This woman was earning $18,000 a year while paying rent and student loans, as well as trying to maintain a social life. Within 2 years, she was able:

  1. To save $10,000
  2. Open a retirement account and reserve $12,000
  3. Travel to Paris, London and Ghana
  4. Increase her credit score 130 points
  5. Increase her earnings at her job to $32,500
  6. Quit her job and work for herself

I don’t think this woman wasted much time feeling sorry for herself. She didn’t have the luxury to! She needed to survive! And it’s no different with me. If I’m going to achieve my goals of financial freedom, personal transformation and social impact, I can’t be sitting on my behind bitter that life isn’t what I thought it would be by now. The time is now. I’ve got to shoot my shot. I’m over feeling sorry for myself!

Posted in So Over.....

So Over Comparing Myself

I suffer from a deadly disease called comparisonitis. Its symptoms are: anger, despair, depression, self-loathing, lack of motivation, confusion, worry, and procrastination. Comparisonitis is triggered by random trips to the land of SOCIAL MEDIA. Today’s poison was Instagram. I was looking up a blogger and I somehow found myself scrolling through various people’s posts…. and all of a sudden I felt… like shit.

So and so got into law school. Another friend posted a killer video of her singing and playing guitar. Another friend posted a volunteering thing she did a few days ago. It got 43 likes. Yet another friend posted a video of him shredding it on acoustic guitar. 200something views. Scroll scroll scroll. Gag gag gag.

Why are people accomplishing amazing things while I’m sitting here wondering if I’m going to get fired from my job or not?

What the hell should I be doing with my life?

Why do people make it look so easy to be successful and awesome?

What’s my next move? How do I pull myself up from this cesspool of mediocrity and malaise?

How do I get over the fact that other people’s awesomeness doesn’t take away from my awesomeness?

I’m so over comparison…..productmockup

 

Posted in So Over.....

I’m So Over Being a Conformist

From as early as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be different. I never wanted to be like everyone else.

As I grew up, my parents instilled in me the importance of respect for authority, and the importance of embracing societal and cultural values. But they didn’t do such a great job of instilling in me the importance of being myself.

So I’ve had to learn about valuing myself, and my uniqueness as an adult. Better late than never, but if I had learned this lesson earlier, I truly believe that I would be in a different position.

My respect for authority and my desire to “do the right thing” and “fit in” has led me to sacrifice myself and my happiness to build other people’s dreams.

I’m stuck working a stupid job, making someone else money, when I could be building my dream.

I live in constant fear of what people think and I act in ways I don’t always agree with to appease other people.

But I’m so over being who people think I should be. It hasn’t really led me anywhere good. As my best friend says, “Bet on yourself“. I’m going to value myself. I’m going to live from my values. I’m going to do what brings me peace and happiness, even if no one else is doing it. I’m so over being a conformist. GUWG-Anticonformity-2

Posted in So Over.....

I’m So Over Bullshit Jobs

Yesterday I was called down to the conference room at my school (I’m a high school teacher) and was told that I would be getting suspended for three days without pay. Upon my return I would need to convince my admins that I deserved to keep my job.

*record screeches*

I need to do what?

I almost laughed out loud. How did I, a dual Ivy League degree earner, end up here, in a poorly run school… aka the pit of hell?

I’ve given my youth, my time, my tears, and my energy to these people. And they are so eager to toss me out on my ass. Never mind the value that I’ve added to that school. I’ve had kids wanting to commit suicide, but because of my intervention, they’re still alive. I’ve had stressed and depressed kids wanting to give up on school, but because of my intervention, they’re still enrolled. I’ve had angry kids that have wanted to fight and cause trouble, but because of my intervention, beef has been squashed. Nah they don’t care about that shit.

I’m so over jobs that insult my intelligence and don’t allow me to put my talents to good use.

I’m so over jobs that waste my time and energy.

I’m so over bullshit jobs.