Category Archives: So Over…..

So Over….Scarcity Mindsets

I struggle with a scarcity mindset.

I have since I was a child. Maybe it’s because I heard “no” too often. Maybe it’s because I felt like I never had enough: time, attention, love….necessities.

Growing up, I’ve come to see how badly the scarcity mindset affects me.

It’s caused me to see life as one huge zero-sum game, where only a selected few people can live out their wildest, happiest, dreams while the rest of us are doomed to struggle and failure for the rest of their lives.

My scarcity mindset has caused me to give up on chasing certain dreams because I figured, there can only be so many writers, actors, singer-songwriters, consultants, coaches, etc in a particular geographic location.

But what you believe you will attract and achieve.

Because I’ve put so much faith in scarcity, I’ve seen so much shortage in my life, while watching others live in abundance.

No more.

I’m going to do me. Fuck what everyone else is doing. I no longer care about that shit.

At the end of my life I’ll have to give an account to God for what I did with what He gave me. I can’t tell Him, “Oh God I didn’t write books because so and so was writing books, and I didn’t consult because you gave that idea to that person over there and I didn’t want to compete with them” Bullshit. God doesn’t play bullshit.

I’m doing me. And if I fail, I fail. But at least I fucking tried.

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So Over…..Non Apologetic Abusers

Note: This post is dedicated to every girl, woman and child that has suffered unspeakables at the hands of a non-apologetic abuser. You are worth it. You are beautiful. You aren’t damaged goods. You have the power to move past what was done to you. Don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology. Get help. Get well. Get whole. And be unapologetically you.

 

Dear _________________,

So I heard that you’re getting married. I didn’t believe it at first. But it’s true. You’ve found happiness and are moving on with your life.

I see you at church almost every Sunday when I’m back home and I wonder if you remember. Do you remember those lazy afternoons in the basement?

Do you remember those times? Those times you convinced me to play those “games” with you?

Do you remember how uneasy I felt, and how long you would take trying to convince me to lay down and let you lay on top of me, gliding your body over mine, rhythmically, sensually, over and over again. I would feel you and I would feel me, and I would feel disgusted at it all.

Do you remember how unwanted and unloved you made me feel? Do you remember all the times you and your friend would call me ugly and told me I stink?

And then after he went away you would take me to the basement to continue our “game”.

When I see you, it seems like you don’t remember. There is this strange air between us when we speak, and yet no one has stepped forward to call out the elephant in the room.

But I remember.

You ruined me.

Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

From you, I learned to confuse lust with love, and self-loathing with humility.

From you, I learned to believe that love hurts.

From you, I learned to believe that I wasn’t valued, seen or wanted, except for my body, and even then, it was never enough. Never enough to keep you.

My first sexual and emotional experience was with you. And I’ll never be able to un-write that. I didn’t choose you. I didn’t choose this.

I know it doesn’t help to dwell on things like this. All I can do is focus on my healing, wellness and wholeness.

But damn some days I still wonder why after all you’d done, why didn’t you choose me?

You ruined me and moved on with your life, and I’m still picking up the pieces from 18 years ago.

Now you’re getting married. And I’m supposed to act like this never happened. And I have to get over it.

No apology, no confrontation… nothing at all.

Funny thing is, an apology isn’t what I need from you anyway. There are things I need that you can’t give me.

I need to know that one day I won’t be disgusted by my own body and sexuality.

I need to know that one day I won’t be weird about physical intimacy and touch from other men.

I need to know that one day I won’t be afraid of relational intimacy and of people knowing and loving me.

I need to know that I’ll meet and find a man that loves me truly, deeply and unconditionally, even the most broken parts of me.

I need to know that I’m loved and accepted as I am, regardless of what was done to me.

I need to know that this won’t hurt for forever….that I’ll get past this.

I need to know that one day I’ll look at you and I won’t wonder why you used and abused me and failed to choose me.

I need to know that this abuse won’t continue to define me, nor my legacy.

I need to know that I’ll be more than ok.

 

1 Year of Sobriety: So Over Porn Freedom Testimony

A year ago I said goodbye to porn. I told myself and God that I would never watch porn again.

After 3+ years of being addicted, I had an encounter with God that changed everything. But first a little back story as to how I got addicted in the first place.

My addiction to porn was a ticking time bomb waiting to happen. As a child I was molested, and had several encounters of being exposed to inappropriate sexual images/activities and behavior. My interest in all things sexual started from a young age as a result, but I never took it too far.

Some of the friends I made didn’t help either. I had two friends in particular who introduced me to the world of erotica. They would suggest books for me to read… books that were laden with explicit sex scenes and steamy romantic encounters. As a young girl struggling with her sexuality, and no healthy outlets to speak of, these books gave me an escape of sorts.

After I gave my life to Christ, I tried to leave those books behind me, but there was something so gripping about them. I found myself addicted. And I rationalized that at the very least I wasn’t watching porn, so maybe it wasn’t all that bad.

Scriptures tell us to take heed and be careful not to be overconfident in our current spiritual conditions, lest the very thing that we think we have dominion over, takes us down. Porn, the vice I never thought I would struggle with, took me down in my 3rd year of college.

As a feeler and highly intuitive/sensitive person, I can discern other people’s struggles. Oftentimes, I know what people are struggling with before they even tell me. I had one guy friend that I knew was struggling with lust, particularly pornography. I knew it was burdening him, and against my better judgment one night, I allowed him to unload all of his cares and concerns about his addiction.

Horrible decision.

I truly believe that as I opened my soul to my friend and listened to him, there was a transference of energy and his struggle became my struggle. It didn’t help that I was already struggling with lust, and it certainly didn’t help that I was in a lot of emotional pain. After our 6 hour long conversation, my curiosity was piqued to the nth degree. I wanted to know what pornography was like and I wanted to experience it for myself. I would soon have the opportunity to do so.

During that time I was highly involved in two campus ministries, one of which I led. I was going through a very difficult time in college…. struggling with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, discouragement, insecurities, rejection, extreme confusion, and a host of other challenges.

My struggles were sharpened when I considered other Christians on campus who seemed to be living a much better life. Christians who didn’t have to struggle half as much as I did and oftentimes got better results. I would hear testimonies upon testimonies of how God had been faithful to these Christians, even as they squandered their time and mismanaged the gifts He gave them. God proved Himself faithful and helped these Christians in all their endeavors (getting A’s on tests, getting money to pay for certain things, etc).

Meanwhile, on my end, I felt incredibly discouraged. I felt like God simply did not care about my struggles. As I ruminated on the troubles that surrounded me, the despair within me rose up and I found myself caught within a prison of anger and anguish. I needed an outlet.

I remember so clearly the thought I had when I made my first few clicks…. God doesn’t care about me… *click click*…. if He did I wouldn’t be here…. *click click click*.

So began my three year on again off again journey with porn…. that is until late August 2016.

I was struggling heavily with a yeast infection. I had masturbated a few months prior and somehow contracted a yeast infection that left me with ridiculous itching and discomfort that no cream would alleviate. At first I thought nothing of it, but as time passed I figured that this yeast infection was sent from God to punish me for my lust.

One day I came across a podcast that talked about purity. The person preaching asked the listeners to pray to God for a vision of purity that would sustain them in their battle against lust. I cried out to God. He heard my cry. I saw a vision of myself in a long, flowing white garment and I heard these words (paraphrasing because I don’t remember every single thing word for word):

“I am giving you the power and grace to remain pure, if You’ll choose me and choose purity. As a sign, I’m healing you of your yeast infection.”

From that day forward, my yeast infection vanished, and I never went on a pornographic website after that.

Glory be to God. He did it.

To be completely transparent though, I still struggle with lust. I still struggle with masturbation. Rather than seeking out pornography, I fantasize. I still struggle with reading erotica. But I’m grateful because God isn’t a halfway God. He’s not a partial God. If He can deliver me from pornography, I believe that He can deliver me from lust in all its forms.

I look forward to walking with God in a greater measure of purity, surrender and integrity.

 

So Over Pity Parties

Sooooo lol I threw myself a pity party last night and it was so dumb lol.

Even as I was crying I wanted to slap myself.

I’ve been crying over my situation for years. Tears ain’t change nothing!

After I took my behind to bed (sob sessions have a great way of making you sleepy), I woke up this morning and I said to myself:

Today is a great day to get my life together!

Today is a great day to clean my room. Clean the kitchen. Clean my bathroom.

Today is a great day to read. Journal. Think about my life and be intentional about creating action steps for change.

Today is a great day to live in the promise that my season of mourning is over and my season of joy has come.

The shift is here. Change is here. I just have to walk in it.

No more pity parties.

Will I have bad moments? Yeah. Will I get annoyed about shit sometimes? ABSOLUTELY!

But to indulge in the negativity until I cry myself to sleep? Negatory. I’m wasting time!!!!

I can use that energy to get myself back to a higher place and to a higher self.

While I’m here crying and dying on the inside, other people are living their dreams.

While I’m here crying….. other people are working and making their millions and billions.

Soooooo I’m done crying. The next time I cry it better be while I’m working lol.

I’m so over pity parties.

giphy1

 

 

So Over Low Self-Esteem and Related Bullshit

Still kinda mad about the whole dick-sucking thing…. if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, read my previous post here.

All my life I’ve struggled with low self-esteem.

I was never pretty enough.

Never smart enough.

Never thin enough.

Never Christian enough.

Never rich enough.

Never “white” enough (but I’m Nigerian… how the fuck does that work. Post on that later).

Never “black” enough.

Never Nigerian enough.

Never strong enough.

Never creative enough.

Never kind enough.

Never cool enough.

Never enough period.

Low self-esteem caused me to waste my time and energy on half-assed friendships with guys that went nowhere. They were all give (on my end), and all take (on their end).

Low self-esteem caused me to rip up incredible works of fiction that would have made millions if I had just believed in myself (when I was 13 and in the 8th grade, I predicted that we would have a racist white President. I was right. But I destroyed the evidence. Fuck).

Low self-esteem caused me to waste thousands of hours of my life crying, medicating my pain through food, television, internet scrolling, porn and other worthless things, instead of investing in myself.

Low self-esteem caused me to develop negative thought patterns that I am now working so hard to change (neuroplasticity is real guys! You can literally change your brain with the thoughts you think!)

Low self-esteem caused me to self-sabotage, to fuck up opportunities, all because I didn’t think I deserved anything good.

Low self-esteem wrecked a good 24 years of my life. Now I’m 25. I don’t intend to waste any more of my life at the altar of low self-esteem. Fuck that!

I’m so over low self-esteem and all the dangers it can create. No more excuses. Low self-esteem is a sorry excuse for sorry behaviors. And I don’t have any more time for sorry behaviors. I have a life to live and a world to change.

It’s time to embrace my worth. I am because He says I am. I am worthy, I am desirable and I am enough.

I’m kicking low self-esteem to the curb, and I invite y’all to hold me accountable.

#SoOverIt

#ShineOn

Sometimes I Just Want To…….

….curse somebody out.

….flip someone off.

….curse God and die.

 

I woke up this morning and found out that the school I work for docked my pay by $429.60. That is an ENTIRE car payment AND gas money.

I was soooooooo angry. I cried as quietly as I could, given that I have roommates.

I read scripture. I journaled.

I’m trying to understand. But there is nothing to understand.┬áThis is my life.

I need every single dollar that comes my way. And yet now I will be several hundred dollars short. I hate this place so much.

I’m also really angry at God. He just keeps letting shit happen. For what reason? What is Your purpose God? Didn’t Your word say “After you have suffered a little while the God of all comfort will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you?”

THIS IS MORE THAN A LITTLE WHILE! This is day after day. Week after week. Month after month. FOR YEARS! FOR YEARS I have struggled to deal with the reality that is my shitty life. Not once have I felt like a success, in any area! No goals have been met. None. This year I decided to throw all my goals away and “follow You”…..and this is where I ended up.

I don’t understand You God. I don’t know why You’re doing this to me…. or at the very least letting it happen. I don’t know how any of this could be love. I really don’t. But I’m here.

I Am So Over This Job

I HATE THIS FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!

Make a difference they said.

Change and transform lives they said.

Help inner city youth they said.

Children are the future they said.

And here I am, with beautiful, rebellious diamonds in the rough.

I love these children

And yet being with them makes me want to pull all my hair out.

I love these children

And yet being in this job makes me want to kill myself

I love these children

And yet every day I can’t help but think “I hate this fucking job”

I love these children

And yet I hate teaching them Biology

I hate teaching them classroom management.

I hate nagging them

I hate telling them what to do fifty million times as if they are 5 years old

I hate that my administration blames me for their STUPID FUCKING BEHAVIORS

I hate that everything is my fault

It’s always the teacher’s fault.

I hate dealing with attitudes

I hate dealing with laziness

DAY IN AND DAY OUT IT DOES NOT STOP! It is a sickening, relentless wave of foolishness and disrespect. WHY? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT?

How THE FUCK did I end up here?