Category Archives: So Over…..

So Over……Fear of Man

So I’m turning 26 in 4 days and I’ve made some choices that make me wonder:

 

What would it look like to make decisions from a place of being true and authentic to MYSELF and not what other people think of me?

What would it look like to make decisions not out of a fear of hurting people’s feelings, but rather from a place where I can acknowledge the emotions of others and yet, not feel committed to them or responsible for them?

What would it look like to have healthy boundaries? With myself? With others?

What would it look like to say yes and mean it? To say no and not feel guilty?

What would it look like to consider the opinions of others but to not be ruled by them?

What would it look like to be completely confident in who I was created to be and called to do and not be swayed by the convictions of others?

What would it look like to be SO OVER the fear of man?

I intend to find out. I feel a challenge brewing…… 🙂

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So Over…..SILLY INSECURITIES

Hi WP Family!

I really appreciate those of you who have decided me to follow me recently. I have no idea why or what I’ve written that has compelled you thus, but I am happy that you’re with me in this journey and I appreciate y’all.

So…………I had an encounter and I have to get it off my mind and off my chest.

There’s this guy I’ve been talking to. And no. Not “talking to”…whatever the heck that means. I mean talking to like I talk to human beings. We talk, randomly and just chat about life and what’s up.

Anyway, turns out this guy is in town and he remembered that I live in the town (well city) he’s visiting.

Guy Facetimes me. If y’all don’t know how I feel about random calls and Facetimes….let me give you a hint: (I’m an introvert).

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For a split second I think to myself “OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO UNEXPECTED. I DO NOT HAVE MAKEUP ON!” And then I immediately dismiss that thought because it’s like “this is my bro. We’re cool. Please. I’m not even attracted to this guy like that.”

I answer the call without makeup and we start talking.

He seems happy to see me…I guess.

He likes my smile (he doesn’t say it, but he comments on it)….I guess.

 

He asked me what my zodiac sign was (le sigh…why?)

I ridiculed zodiac signs and he said he was asking because we both seem very much alike…really though….?

I made him laugh…more than once….

He asked me what I do for fun and I was honest….

I read….and just chill. I write music and play guitar….. I don’t like parties because I don’t like being in overstimulating environments where I don’t have the opportunity to get to know ppl in a meaningful way. If all we’re going to be doing is grinding and pumping fists and I’m supposed to pretend that I like you and I like what we’re doing…miss me with that. I’d rather be home in bed curled up with a book. The only exceptions I make are Nigerian parties because those are too lit and I’m Nigerian so I grew up going to Nigerian parties…that’s just my life.

Turns out he was going to a party….I think he wanted to ask me to go with him….

He asked me what I was doing on a Saturday night and where my brothers were….

I told him… I am helping a friend with something…

I asked him what he was doing on a Saturday night…he said he was going to a party…

I asked him when he was leaving with his friends… he said a little before 12.

I said I would be sleeping. Dang. I sound like a FREAKING GRANDMA.

We talked and chatted like we normally do.

We joked around like we normally do.

SO WHY ON EARTH did I feel so insecure when I got off the phone?

I immediately thought the following:

“Oh God, what if he thinks I’m ugly without makeup on?”

“He said he was going to reach out next time he was in town. What if he doesn’t reach out because he thinks I’m ugly? What if he thinks I catfished him? He’s talked about how beautiful I am before..but I had makeup on..”

“What if he thinks I’m a loser because I told him I don’t like parties?”

“Was I too eager on the phone? Did I smile too much? Was I awkward?”

*record screeches*

Wait hold on….. I’m not even physically attracted to this guy. I don’t see myself being in any type of relationship with him.

WHY DO I EVEN CARE IF HE THINKS I AM UGLY WITH OUR WITHOUT MAKEUP?!?!

WHY DO I EVEN CARE IF HE THINKS I AM A LOSER BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE PARTIES AND I DO NOT LIKE STAYING UP LATE?

Friends…. learn from my own foolishness:

Love yourself.

Live your life.

Don’t waste your time, mindshare and energy on men you don’t see a future with.

Like come on. Life is too short and I literally just spent an hour obsessing and overanalyzing petty, foolish BS.

****

I am beautiful. With or without makeup.

Don’t dare cheapen my smile by using megawatts to measure it.

My smile is that good stuff that shoots an arrow through your heart…that stuff that gives you butterflies in your stomach.

My smiles make a man say, “Wow, who is this girl and how can I make her smile like that again?”

My warmth penetrates a man’s heart and makes him want to come closer to me, emotionally and physically.

I have a wonderful and inviting personality and any man would be blessed to be with me.

******

Women, this is how you need to talk to yourselves. It’s not delusion. It’s truth. You are amazing and there is a man out there looking for someone exactly like you right now. If you are not your biggest fan, how can you expect any man to treat you like the queen that you claim to be?

If you don’t love yourself and believe the very best about yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

 

So Over…..Negative Speech

Hey y’all….

So I listened to a periscope by Tiphani Montgomery that convicted my very soul.

She talked about the ways in which we speak death over our lives, our businesses and things that matter to us.

I thought about all the times I’ve said things like:

“So and so annoys the hell outta me”

“So and so is so fucking stupid”

“I’m dead”

“I don’t know what the hell I’m doing”

And many other things I have said over time.

I’m currently abstaining from food….for spiritual purposes, but what is the point of a fast if you don’t deal with your heart and your insides?

I want more from life.

I want better for myself, my family, my friends and my world.

I’m known on this blog for my candor.

I want to be known for my vitality.

I’m going on a fast from negative speech.

No cursing. No complaining. No whining. No death speech.

By the grace of God, I will speak life.

I’m so over negative speech.

Peace y’all.

So Over…People Telling Me How to Live My Single Life

Greetings friends. It’s been a while. I was going to say goodbye to this blog, but who am I kidding. I need an outlet. A place where I can be completely free in my thoughts and feelings without fear of repercussions. I also can’t sleep, so I thought I would get some of my feelings out there. Today’s blog is to all the non-single people in my life telling me how to best enjoy singleness.

Dear Non-Single Friends,

I am so happy for you! Bae found you and you’re on your way to matrimonial bliss. Some of you have been living in matrimonial bliss for years. I love love, and I love you guys.

I have to be honest with you guys though…. You’re starting to annoy me with this whole “free advice” thing.

I’m not sure where you got the idea that I needed help. I don’t.

I’m enjoying my single life just fine. After years of pining, crying, complaining, whining, moaning and bargaining with God, I’ve finally gotten to the place where I can declare with all boldness, freedom and joy: THANK GOD I AM SINGLE.

Ladies and gents, I may not be living my best life, but I am on my way there.

I am single….not ready or desiring to mingle… and I AM MORE THAN FINE WITH THAT.

I am happy to be using this time to heal, work on myself, get my finances together and fix my life… without Iyanla.

And yet here you are, talking to me like I couldn’t possibly understand how awesome singleness is.

Um hello…. lest you forget. You’re not single. I am. Why are you telling me how to do something you clearly no longer have a connection to?

I know, I know. You mean well. You miss the time you had to yourself. Now you have someone else dominating your thoughts, feelings, emotions and TIME.

You miss being able to do what you want, when you want, how you want.

Now you have to factor someone else into your plans.

Now you have to think about someone else’s feelings.

Now you have to think about how your actions will affect someone else.

You miss the freedom you once had. I get it. You want me to understand how good I have it. I get it.

You want me to make the most of this time I have. Yes. Yes. I get it. I get it. I get it.

But let me reassure you……

This sister is more than alright.

I’ve made it 25 years without your advice. I certainly don’t need it now.

I am content within my righteously single self, and I am content with the fact that although I desire marriage and children, those things are not my priority currently.

And I am cool with that. My time will come. And it will be glorious.

So to my non-single friends…. attend to your own garden. Don’t worry about me.

Enjoy your relationships, situationships and marriages. Leave me in peace.

I love you with the love of Christ. I really do. But please…..kindly shut the fuck up.

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So Over….Scarcity Mindsets

I struggle with a scarcity mindset.

I have since I was a child. Maybe it’s because I heard “no” too often. Maybe it’s because I felt like I never had enough: time, attention, love….necessities.

Growing up, I’ve come to see how badly the scarcity mindset affects me.

It’s caused me to see life as one huge zero-sum game, where only a selected few people can live out their wildest, happiest, dreams while the rest of us are doomed to struggle and failure for the rest of their lives.

My scarcity mindset has caused me to give up on chasing certain dreams because I figured, there can only be so many writers, actors, singer-songwriters, consultants, coaches, etc in a particular geographic location.

But what you believe you will attract and achieve.

Because I’ve put so much faith in scarcity, I’ve seen so much shortage in my life, while watching others live in abundance.

No more.

I’m going to do me. Fuck what everyone else is doing. I no longer care about that shit.

At the end of my life I’ll have to give an account to God for what I did with what He gave me. I can’t tell Him, “Oh God I didn’t write books because so and so was writing books, and I didn’t consult because you gave that idea to that person over there and I didn’t want to compete with them” Bullshit. God doesn’t play bullshit.

I’m doing me. And if I fail, I fail. But at least I fucking tried.

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So Over…..Non Apologetic Abusers

Note: This post is dedicated to every girl, woman and child that has suffered unspeakables at the hands of a non-apologetic abuser. You are worth it. You are beautiful. You aren’t damaged goods. You have the power to move past what was done to you. Don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology. Get help. Get well. Get whole. And be unapologetically you.

 

Dear _________________,

So I heard that you’re getting married. I didn’t believe it at first. But it’s true. You’ve found happiness and are moving on with your life.

I see you at church almost every Sunday when I’m back home and I wonder if you remember. Do you remember those lazy afternoons in the basement?

Do you remember those times? Those times you convinced me to play those “games” with you?

Do you remember how uneasy I felt, and how long you would take trying to convince me to lay down and let you lay on top of me, gliding your body over mine, rhythmically, sensually, over and over again. I would feel you and I would feel me, and I would feel disgusted at it all.

Do you remember how unwanted and unloved you made me feel? Do you remember all the times you and your friend would call me ugly and told me I stink?

And then after he went away you would take me to the basement to continue our “game”.

When I see you, it seems like you don’t remember. There is this strange air between us when we speak, and yet no one has stepped forward to call out the elephant in the room.

But I remember.

You ruined me.

Physically, emotionally, spiritually.

From you, I learned to confuse lust with love, and self-loathing with humility.

From you, I learned to believe that love hurts.

From you, I learned to believe that I wasn’t valued, seen or wanted, except for my body, and even then, it was never enough. Never enough to keep you.

My first sexual and emotional experience was with you. And I’ll never be able to un-write that. I didn’t choose you. I didn’t choose this.

I know it doesn’t help to dwell on things like this. All I can do is focus on my healing, wellness and wholeness.

But damn some days I still wonder why after all you’d done, why didn’t you choose me?

You ruined me and moved on with your life, and I’m still picking up the pieces from 18 years ago.

Now you’re getting married. And I’m supposed to act like this never happened. And I have to get over it.

No apology, no confrontation… nothing at all.

Funny thing is, an apology isn’t what I need from you anyway. There are things I need that you can’t give me.

I need to know that one day I won’t be disgusted by my own body and sexuality.

I need to know that one day I won’t be weird about physical intimacy and touch from other men.

I need to know that one day I won’t be afraid of relational intimacy and of people knowing and loving me.

I need to know that I’ll meet and find a man that loves me truly, deeply and unconditionally, even the most broken parts of me.

I need to know that I’m loved and accepted as I am, regardless of what was done to me.

I need to know that this won’t hurt for forever….that I’ll get past this.

I need to know that one day I’ll look at you and I won’t wonder why you used and abused me and failed to choose me.

I need to know that this abuse won’t continue to define me, nor my legacy.

I need to know that I’ll be more than ok.

 

1 Year of Sobriety: So Over Porn Freedom Testimony

A year ago I said goodbye to porn. I told myself and God that I would never watch porn again.

After 3+ years of being addicted, I had an encounter with God that changed everything. But first a little back story as to how I got addicted in the first place.

My addiction to porn was a ticking time bomb waiting to happen. As a child I was molested, and had several encounters of being exposed to inappropriate sexual images/activities and behavior. My interest in all things sexual started from a young age as a result, but I never took it too far.

Some of the friends I made didn’t help either. I had two friends in particular who introduced me to the world of erotica. They would suggest books for me to read… books that were laden with explicit sex scenes and steamy romantic encounters. As a young girl struggling with her sexuality, and no healthy outlets to speak of, these books gave me an escape of sorts.

After I gave my life to Christ, I tried to leave those books behind me, but there was something so gripping about them. I found myself addicted. And I rationalized that at the very least I wasn’t watching porn, so maybe it wasn’t all that bad.

Scriptures tell us to take heed and be careful not to be overconfident in our current spiritual conditions, lest the very thing that we think we have dominion over, takes us down. Porn, the vice I never thought I would struggle with, took me down in my 3rd year of college.

As a feeler and highly intuitive/sensitive person, I can discern other people’s struggles. Oftentimes, I know what people are struggling with before they even tell me. I had one guy friend that I knew was struggling with lust, particularly pornography. I knew it was burdening him, and against my better judgment one night, I allowed him to unload all of his cares and concerns about his addiction.

Horrible decision.

I truly believe that as I opened my soul to my friend and listened to him, there was a transference of energy and his struggle became my struggle. It didn’t help that I was already struggling with lust, and it certainly didn’t help that I was in a lot of emotional pain. After our 6 hour long conversation, my curiosity was piqued to the nth degree. I wanted to know what pornography was like and I wanted to experience it for myself. I would soon have the opportunity to do so.

During that time I was highly involved in two campus ministries, one of which I led. I was going through a very difficult time in college…. struggling with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, discouragement, insecurities, rejection, extreme confusion, and a host of other challenges.

My struggles were sharpened when I considered other Christians on campus who seemed to be living a much better life. Christians who didn’t have to struggle half as much as I did and oftentimes got better results. I would hear testimonies upon testimonies of how God had been faithful to these Christians, even as they squandered their time and mismanaged the gifts He gave them. God proved Himself faithful and helped these Christians in all their endeavors (getting A’s on tests, getting money to pay for certain things, etc).

Meanwhile, on my end, I felt incredibly discouraged. I felt like God simply did not care about my struggles. As I ruminated on the troubles that surrounded me, the despair within me rose up and I found myself caught within a prison of anger and anguish. I needed an outlet.

I remember so clearly the thought I had when I made my first few clicks…. God doesn’t care about me… *click click*…. if He did I wouldn’t be here…. *click click click*.

So began my three year on again off again journey with porn…. that is until late August 2016.

I was struggling heavily with a yeast infection. I had masturbated a few months prior and somehow contracted a yeast infection that left me with ridiculous itching and discomfort that no cream would alleviate. At first I thought nothing of it, but as time passed I figured that this yeast infection was sent from God to punish me for my lust.

One day I came across a podcast that talked about purity. The person preaching asked the listeners to pray to God for a vision of purity that would sustain them in their battle against lust. I cried out to God. He heard my cry. I saw a vision of myself in a long, flowing white garment and I heard these words (paraphrasing because I don’t remember every single thing word for word):

“I am giving you the power and grace to remain pure, if You’ll choose me and choose purity. As a sign, I’m healing you of your yeast infection.”

From that day forward, my yeast infection vanished, and I never went on a pornographic website after that.

Glory be to God. He did it.

To be completely transparent though, I still struggle with lust. I still struggle with masturbation. Rather than seeking out pornography, I fantasize. I still struggle with reading erotica. But I’m grateful because God isn’t a halfway God. He’s not a partial God. If He can deliver me from pornography, I believe that He can deliver me from lust in all its forms.

I look forward to walking with God in a greater measure of purity, surrender and integrity.