Since undergrad, I’ve felt like God cared more about the successes of others than my own successes. It was ok for other people to be ambitious, to strive for the best and to attain their wildest dreams.
As for me, I needed to find myself content in the “presence of the Lord”.
I felt like while others lived extraordinary, inspiring and amazing lives, I would be choking on and drowning in mediocrity and normalcy.
I felt like God was calling me to be a lesser version of myself, while others shone so brightly around me, and it sickened me. Literally. I became heartsick, mentally sick. I was heartbroken and upset.
God don’t You care about me and my life? My success? No? Well then…
Flash forward to post-graduation (which I fell asleep at)… and I’m a teacher with TFA in a gritty city whose name shall rename nameless for now. It’s my first year of teaching and I am having one hell of a time. Literally. I thought about killing myself every single day of that fucking job.
I cried more tears than I ever knew were possible to cry.
It seemed like once again, God was showing His tendency to care about others and love them more than me. Cue story.
So I decided to live with a chick from NY on a whim. We were doing TFA together. This girl was a sniveling, insecure, shadow of her current self. I somehow love and attract people like that. I like building people up. I like pouring into people. She was a willing recipient and receptacle of my love, energy and encouragement. But it wasn’t just with me. This girl attracted so many people to her with her self-pitying, self-loathing ways.
We were both invited to dinner one night at this older couple’s house. Something was brewing in my heart. I knew what was going to happen and I had seen it happen in my life so many times. They were going to give us prophetic words, and they were going to give her a particularly long one. Longer than mine.
They started with me…. said nice things…. then they turned to HER….
Her word must have been like a good 10 minutes and it covered everything from romance, identity, new job, new friends, new opportunities, travel and everything else.
If I could have killed myself in that moment, I would have.
Instead I spent the next 3 days crying. Gut-wrenching, hoarse-throat-causing, on the cusp of vomiting sobs, from a very deep and broken place.
I had spent years, YEARS crying out to God for those very same things. And she was the one that received assurance that all those things would happen for her, while I was left on the sidelines being told that I was going to make an awesome motivational speaker (they said some other shit too… but at that moment, none of it mattered).
Later on when I confronted them about it, the husband had the audacity to say, “Well maybe she needed to hear it a little more than you did.” SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DO NOT FUCKING KNOW ME OR WHAT I NEED TO HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was angry at God because I felt like here He was again, waving shit in my face, waving things that other people were getting, while I was crying out for those things and also crying out for the successes of others. Like come on……
Several more of these occurrences happened between me, this girl and this couple…. one involved them telling her that she had a mothering spirit and that she would be married soon. I had to endure this emotional torment before they relocated to another part of the country.
I was disgusted. Why does God like to do that…..listen to me whine, moan, beg Him for stuff, and then wave the very thing I’m praying for in front of my face and give it to someone else?
Later that same year, roommate and I went to a conference. It was amazing and we both had a great time, but strangely there was a night where we all got prayer. I overheard the prayer she got and I was so fucking agitated. Apparently she had been asking God about what her gifts were and she was admiring all the gifts that God had given other people and was asking God, “Well God what about me? And what about my gifts?” and apparently God was telling her that she had all those gifts AND MORE. Pretty much everything that I was doing (leading worship, singing, creating music, etc), she would be doing, among other things.
I was mad as hell. God what the fuck?!? How many times have I asked You about my own current circumstances? When have You ever given me that kind of assurance……
So yeah I’m mad at God because He’s out here blessing others with every blessing under the sun and turning a deaf ear to my heart’s cry.