Category Archives: Uncategorized

Battlefield of the Mind: Win or Lose?

I have been fighting so hard to not wallow in the pool of negativity that awaits me.

So many thoughts attack me day and night.

Tears flow unbidden.

Frustration peaks, as hope wanes.

I push past my feelings to declare the truth:

You are the Lord. You are good. You are perfect in all of Your ways. You are a Provider. You are faithful.

I say these words with gritted teeth, as my heart pounds and my head throbs.

I am in trouble.

I am tired.

But I am not defeated and I still have time.

Lord don’t let me be put to shame.

If the battle truly is Yours, then fight this fight.

 

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Why I Am So Angry at God: Part 2

Since undergrad, I’ve felt like God cared more about the successes of others than my own successes. It was ok for other people to be ambitious, to strive for the best and to attain their wildest dreams.

As for me, I needed to find myself content in the “presence of the Lord”.

I felt like while others lived extraordinary, inspiring and amazing lives, I would be choking on and drowning in mediocrity and normalcy.

I felt like God was calling me to be a lesser version of myself, while others shone so brightly around me, and it sickened me. Literally. I became heartsick, mentally sick. I was heartbroken and upset.

God don’t You care about me and my life? My success? No? Well then…

Flash forward to post-graduation (which I fell asleep at)… and I’m a teacher with TFA in a gritty city whose name shall rename nameless for now. It’s my first year of teaching and I am having one hell of a time. Literally. I thought about killing myself every single day of that fucking job.

I cried more tears than I ever knew were possible to cry.

It seemed like once again, God was showing His tendency to care about others and love them more than me. Cue story.

So I decided to live with a chick from NY on a whim. We were doing TFA together. This girl was a sniveling, insecure, shadow of her current self. I somehow love and attract people like that. I like building people up. I like pouring into people. She was a willing recipient and receptacle of my love, energy and encouragement. But it wasn’t just with me. This girl attracted so many people to her with her self-pitying, self-loathing ways.

We were both invited to dinner one night at this older couple’s house. Something was brewing in my heart. I knew what was going to happen and I had seen it happen in my life so many times. They were going to give us prophetic words, and they were going to give her a particularly long one. Longer than mine.

They started with me…. said nice things…. then they turned to HER….

Her word must have been like a good 10 minutes and it covered everything from romance, identity, new job, new friends, new opportunities, travel and everything else.

If I could have killed myself in that moment, I would have.

Instead I spent the next 3 days crying. Gut-wrenching, hoarse-throat-causing, on the cusp of vomiting sobs, from a very deep and broken place.

I had spent years, YEARS crying out to God for those very same things. And she was the one that received assurance that all those things would happen for her, while I was left on the sidelines being told that I was going to make an awesome motivational speaker (they said some other shit too… but at that moment, none of it mattered).

Later on when I confronted them about it, the husband had the audacity to say, “Well maybe she needed to hear it a little more than you did.” SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DO NOT FUCKING KNOW ME OR WHAT I NEED TO HEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was angry at God because I felt like here He was again, waving shit in my face, waving things that other people were getting, while I was crying out for those things and also crying out for the successes of others. Like come on……

Several more of these occurrences happened between me, this girl and this couple…. one involved them telling her that she had a mothering spirit and that she would be married soon. I had to endure this emotional torment before they relocated to another part of the country.

I was disgusted. Why does God like to do that…..listen to me whine, moan, beg Him for stuff, and then wave the very thing I’m praying for in front of my face and give it to someone else?

Later that same year, roommate and I went to a conference. It was amazing and we both had a great time, but strangely there was a night where we all got prayer. I overheard the prayer she got and I was so fucking agitated. Apparently she had been asking God about what her gifts were and she was admiring all the gifts that God had given other people and was asking God, “Well God what about me? And what about my gifts?” and apparently God was telling her that she had all those gifts AND MORE. Pretty much everything that I was doing (leading worship, singing, creating music, etc), she would be doing, among other things.

I was mad as hell. God what the fuck?!? How many times have I asked You about my own current circumstances? When have You ever given me that kind of assurance……

So yeah I’m mad at God because He’s out here blessing others with every blessing under the sun and turning a deaf ear to my heart’s cry.

So Many Ideas…. Where To Begin?

Here I am at my tutoring job… head swimming with ideas.

I want to be anywhere but here.

I have things I want to start and do.

I want to be a high school admissions consultant/teen life coach.

I want to be a motivational speaker for middle schoolers, high schoolers, college students and young adults (and adults also!)… people of all ages essentially.

I want to attack the educational disparities in attainment that exist within my home town/county as well as across the country and world.

I want to empower young women, black women, young men, black men. Every woman. Every man.

I want to write plenty of books.

I want to create music that empowers and inspires.

I want to start a global movement.

I want to be a multi-billionaire.

These are just a few of the many, many (over 1000+ actually) dreams that I have in my heart and mind.

Where do I begin?

And how do I chase my dreams, but keep God in the center of it all?

 

Fears Vol. 1: Job Mistakes Blast from the Past

Sometimes I’m gripped by fear of the past. I’m afraid that my past will find it’s way to rear its ugly head into my bright and shiny, beautiful and glorious future.

As you my faithful readers know, I was unjustly fired from two teaching positions. The second one I can say was filled with absolute animosity and spite….

I can’t say that I was 100% blameless in either of the two positions, I’m sure there were things I could have done better, but at the same time I certainly did not hold 100% of the blame.

When I think about the ways in which I would like to live my life…. when I think about all the awesome things I want to achieve and the billions of lives I want to change, I think back to my past and I am haunted by the endless questions:

  1. What if they discredit me?
  2. What if they speak ill against me?
  3. What if they use my past performance against me?
  4. What if they sabotage me?
  5. What if they lie about me?

I know it’s so dumb to live in fear, but I’d be lying if I said these things didn’t keep me up at night sometimes.

I want to leave the past in the past where it belongs… but in today’s world, where everyone is looking for a piece of the pie and people will intentionally throw people under the bus to get there, I can’t help but wonder if my past employers will try to ruin my life, all because they’re wicked miserable people who couldn’t see the value I brought to the company, and were angry because I called them out on their shit.

I don’t know. But I’m praying for them. And myself.

I’m not the first one to be fired from a job…. I’m really not. I won’t be the last. I have nothing to fear. God’s got me.

I’m moving on.

When You Cheer For Other People’s Dreams and You Are Still Waiting For Yours To Come To Pass

It’s my destiny to help people. I invest time, energy, emotions, money, love, intelligence and other resources in making sure other people’s dreams come true.

I’ve had the privilege of seeing some of the dreams of my friends come true. And it’s so nice to celebrate with them.

But I’m tired of being a bridesmaid and never the bride. I’m ready for my dreams to come true also. I’m READY!

What will it take to experience the breakthrough I’ve been crying, striving and dying for?

I see people that are succeeding because of the help that I’ve offered. Those who have taken my light in the midst of their darkness and are using it to shine.

But when will I experience my own day in the sun? All I see are shadows around me. Almosts. Could have beens. Not quite close enough.

My word for the year is Shine. And yet all I’ve done is hidden in the shadows, working behind the scenes.

August is coming. Then there’ll be 4 months left of the year. God. I’m tired of waiting for my dreams to come to pass while everyone else is living out what You promised.

LET’S GO JESUS. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?