Not Evil Just Miserably Discontent

I joked with a friend after complaining about another friend (yeah I’m that friend) and asked:

“Why am I so evil?”

I don’t know why I asked. I know I’m not evil. I know what I am.

I’m tired of being here.

And I’m tired of being reminded that I’m still in the same place, while other people are moving forward.

So I’d rather not see anyone progress. Not that I want them to fail. I just don’t want to “see” anyone else moving forward. I don’t want to “see” anyone period. That’s honestly what it comes down to. I want to be alone.

I want to hide myself in a cocoon and focus on myself until I’m healthy enough to enjoy where I am in the process and also celebrate where other people are along their journeys without feeling like an absolute failure in life and without getting super angry at God.

As part of this journey to authenticity, I’ve begun phasing out social media. I deactivated my Instagram.

I also blocked Instagram and Facebook off of my phone.

Next I will be deactivating my Facebook.

I’ve lost my way. I used to be a cheerleader for people’s dreams. And now bitterness, frustration, comparison and disappointment have made me a hater. And I’m not a hater.

So because I’ve lost my way, I need to do what it takes to find it again.

Because I wasn’t born to hate. I was born to shine.

 

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Breakup Letter to Chipotle, Qdoba and Unnecessary Mid-Day Naps

Dear Chipotle, Qdoba and Unnecessary Mid-Day Naps,

Chipotle I’ll start with you first. You and I go way back. Since 2009 or something like that when I had my first fajita burrito. Wow I was so amazed by how delicious you were. Thus began my 8 year infatuation with you.

The funny thing about all infatuations is that they wear off with time.

I believe we’ve reached that point.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve eaten you thrice. Each time, I’ve ordered you with less stuff. No beans. No guacamole.

Qdoba you can jump in now.

So as I saying Chipotle, I’ve ordered your delicious burrito bowl with less toppings and have added Qdoba’s delicious queso diablo since your queso is quite the fail…. and expensive for no reason.

Nom nom nom.

All three times I’ve eaten you both I’ve induced a post-nom nap attack lasting 90 minutes.

That’s enough time to work on my business plan. That’s enough time to make $300 or more.

Don’t take it personally Chipotle, Qdoba and Unnecessary Naps but I am uhhhh…..

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Sincerely,

Boss Chick

 

I’m Getting Stronger Mentally

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’ve come a long way since that fateful day my junior year, when I told you I didn’t want to be a doctor anymore.

Your anger, threats, disapproval and mockery of me and my decision and my dreams just about drove me into a downward spiral of despair. My mind became fractured, and my struggle with anxiety and depression intensified.

I would try to think about my future, but each thought would be crowded out my millions of thoughts passing at breakneck speed, most of them thoughts of failure, fear, self-doubt and self-hatred. Confusion drowned my consciousness like embalming fluid submerges a corpse.

I could not think straight.

I began to live for one day at a time, so that I did not have to think so hard and cry myself to sleep as I did for months and months at first.

I wanted to die. I felt like I had lost my sense of self and I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Flash forward a few years….. a few more years of struggle with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation….and then….and then….

ANGER.

I got angry at how much of my life was stolen away by my fear of your disapproval.

So I fought back. I told you the truth about how I felt. At times I stopped talking to you while I rebuilt my sense of self.

And here we are!

I’m living to pursue my dreams and God’s call on my life.

You still have your doubts. You’re still trying to persuade me to go to medical school. You still are worried that I will end up poor and financially unstable.

I know my current situation doesn’t bring you much hope for the future.

I know my current situation makes me look like a hopeless failure.

I know this has been painful for you to see me struggle and stumble my way through the first half of my 20s.

You laugh at me when I share my wildest, craziest dreams with you.

You shake your head at me when I imagine how my life could be different. How I could end up doing something different. How idealistic of me. How foolish and naïve of me to think such grand thoughts.

Mom and Dad, I don’t blame you for laughing. I’m not even mad at you anymore.

I no longer get angry when you suggest I go to med school.

Your disapproval of my choices no longer drives me to anxiety and depression.

I am stronger now.

I believe in myself.

And mark my words. The both of you will have first class plane tickets and front row seats to my success.

Mark my words.

Prayer of Gratitude for Past Relationships

Dear God,

I have so much to say, but I’ll leave that for my personal diary… LOL.

I just wanted to take the time to say thank You.

I was triggered a few minutes ago and tempted to be very angry, but then the words from Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod came to me:

“If you want something you’ve never gotten, then you’ll have to do what you’ve never done.”

I’ve never put much effort into regulating my thoughts. I’ve always allowed them to come unbidden and I’ve ruminated on them in a way that made me feel depressed and anxious.

BUT NO MORE. Today I’m going to do what I’ve never done.

God thank You for my past relationships. Thank You for the relationships I enjoyed while I was in that gritty city that shall not be named.

I admit to You that I was angry at Artemis because it seems like she’s trying to steal all my friends now that I’m no longer there.

But God, what would make more sense, rather than being angry about something I cannot control, is to give You thanks for the time I did have with those friends.

You knew what I needed right when I needed it.

And I trust that You’ll bring me friendships and relationships to help me in this next phase of life.

I will not look back and pine for what seems to have been lost.

I will not strive or jockey for position, nor will I force others to maintain relationships with me now that I’m gone.

There are more than enough people in the world to develop friendships with.

So thank You! Thank You for this revelation. And thank You for your peace.

In Jesus’ name.

Amen.

Your Gift Will Make Room For You

Summer of 2016.

I’m sitting across from my cousin, hearing him share details of his newfound wealth.

He was just like me…well kinda.

Like me, he had a profound love for and interest in people, social justice, social reform and research.

Unlike me, he actually did something productive about it. He followed his heart in undergrad, studied what he wanted to, got amazing research experience, developed rich and awesome relationships, and then went off to grad school.

Like me, he had a period of financial struggle. Trying to figure out how he was going to make rent each month in an expensive city, while doing what he truly loved.

Unlike me, he was consistent with his dreams. He put in the work, did the hard stuff, and kept at it.

Summer of 2016 he sat across from me and uttered these words “Money keeps finding me. I have so much money now that I don’t even know what to do with it”.

He then started name dropping. Activists, leaders of movements, executives at Fortune 100 companies. They were all amongst his group of friends.

“Your gift will make room for you”.

I heard a voice so strongly, yet calmly in my head.

I hear these words when I study the lives and breakthroughs of others.

I hear these words when I’m watching someone using their gift.

I want those words to be true of me.

When others look at my life, I want it to be said that my gift made room for me and put me before great men.

I want to utilize my gifts and influence for the glory of God. For the betterment and empowerment of all people.

I know I need to get over myself. All my can’ts. Won’ts. What ifs. Should haves. Could haves. Would haves. All my fears, insecurities, burdens. They can’t come with me on this journey.

If my gift is going to make room for me, I need to make room for my gift to grow, develop and flourish.

Everything that doesn’t serve me, has to go.

Everything that’s holding me back, has to go.

Everything that causes me to doubt who I am and what I’ve got, has to go.

I will be who I am, unencumbered.

Don’t Die Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad,

Not that you read this blog anyway (thank God!) but I just feel the need to apologize. Maybe I’ll work up the courage to say it in person.

I’m really sorry for not appreciating you guys more. I really do love you guys and on my worst days, I make myself sick with fear that the day where I say goodbye to you for now will come way too soon.

I’m really sorry for all the times I’ve disrespected you guys. I’m not a disrespectful person and I hate to cause you pain. Sometimes you guys get on my nerves and I don’t know how to express myself and the pain that you guys cause. I also feel like you guys don’t listen to me, which frustrates me. I lash out… or shut down… either way sucks and I’m sorry. I love you guys.

I’m sorry that I’m financially dependent on you guys right now. Believe me when I say that this is not the life I imagined for myself. In the brilliant future I planned for myself, at this time of my life, I should have bought you guys awesome birthday presents, vacations and all. I should be giving you money. You shouldn’t be giving me money. You have three other kids to worry about…. I hate to use your resources.

I’m working really hard to get a job and get my life in order so that I don’t burden you guys. I know you guys will swear up and down that I’m not a burden, and that you love taking care of me and you’re just happy I’m home…. but it really kills me that I feel so useless and helpless right now. With all my Ivy League credentials… I’m still struggling to find work and make money and be the person I was born to be.

It hurts.

But I’m fighting not to get trapped in the pool of self-pity that has trapped so many of my fellow quarter-lifers. I’m working hard to get better each and everyday.

One of my greatest desires in life is to make you guys proud and to shower you guys with my gratitude, love and appreciation. I know you’ll say that my existence is enough, and that you’re proud of me…. and that me being all God created me to be is enough…. but I want to give you tangible evidence of my thanks.

Please don’t die until I do that.

I know it’s the most ridiculous thing…. as if anyone could control a thing such as death. But this is my humble request.

Don’t die until you’ve seen me and my brothers become the people you envisioned we would be.

Don’t die until you’ve walked me down the aisle, and seen my brothers marry their beautiful brides.

Don’t die until you’ve seen me and my brothers have all of our children (I plan to have six…. so you need to stick around for that. I’m sure 2 of them will be just like you guys).

Don’t die until I’ve had the opportunity to give you your hearts’ desires…..

Don’t die until I’ve had the opportunity to build a summer house for you in Nigeria, even though you swear you don’t want to live there anymore.

Don’t die until I’ve given each of you extravagant, lively, ostentatious celebrations in your honor. I want to honor your lives and legacies while you are yet living.

Don’t die mom and dad.

We’ve only just begun.

So Over….Scarcity Mindsets

I struggle with a scarcity mindset.

I have since I was a child. Maybe it’s because I heard “no” too often. Maybe it’s because I felt like I never had enough: time, attention, love….necessities.

Growing up, I’ve come to see how badly the scarcity mindset affects me.

It’s caused me to see life as one huge zero-sum game, where only a selected few people can live out their wildest, happiest, dreams while the rest of us are doomed to struggle and failure for the rest of their lives.

My scarcity mindset has caused me to give up on chasing certain dreams because I figured, there can only be so many writers, actors, singer-songwriters, consultants, coaches, etc in a particular geographic location.

But what you believe you will attract and achieve.

Because I’ve put so much faith in scarcity, I’ve seen so much shortage in my life, while watching others live in abundance.

No more.

I’m going to do me. Fuck what everyone else is doing. I no longer care about that shit.

At the end of my life I’ll have to give an account to God for what I did with what He gave me. I can’t tell Him, “Oh God I didn’t write books because so and so was writing books, and I didn’t consult because you gave that idea to that person over there and I didn’t want to compete with them” Bullshit. God doesn’t play bullshit.

I’m doing me. And if I fail, I fail. But at least I fucking tried.

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