For Those Who Have Considered Suicide When The Will To Live Wasn’t Enough

Friends, comrades, allies in suffering….

I wish I had something deep and profound to say

But I don’t.

No amount of #metoo and #itgetsbetter will heal the pain

Or magically conjure up the strength to persevere

But regardless of my verbal ineptitude, I feel compelled to say:

Do not give up.

You may feel like your life is the longest tunnel ever constructed

With no end in sight

Endless night, with no light

Your legs have grown feeble as you collapse in the sewage water of

Rumination, anxiety, hopelessness, anguish, self-pity and pain

I too have fallen prey to the sewage rats that eat away at my gangrene limbs

My heart stopped functioning after being broken into tiny little pieces by the bat of life

And bruised beyond recognition

The pain of confusion and the fatigue of sameness and nothingness overwhelmed me

I thought to myself, why am I here? And what is the point of my life?

If my life were snuffed out now, would not the world be better off?

And then…..a glimmer of Light shone in the darkness

It was the tiniest of Lights, unimpressive to those who are outside of the tunnel

But to me this glimmer of Light was everything

And so I took what was left of my tattered will and heart

And I concentrated on this Light

And soon feeling returned to my legs and I crawled through the sewage water

And then the Light glimmered brighter

And I felt my knees strengthen so I stood up and I limped forward

One foot in front of the other, slowly

And the glimmering Light became even stronger

And my gait evened as I walked boldly through the tunnel

I am not out of the tunnel yet. I wish to God I were but I am not.

My hope, however, has returned to me, and that has given me all the strength I need to push forward.

To those who have considered suicide when the will to live isn’t enough…

To those who are in the midst of planning their next attempt…

To those who are one moment away from ending it all…

I urge you:

Please wait an extra minute, though the pain seem unbearable

Please wait and take a moment…because the Light is looking for you

The Light will find you

If you would just wait a second and a minute

When you see the Light, tune your whole attention to it

Thought it may be dim and small, don’t lose sight of it

The Light is your strength

The Light is the defibrillator to your broken heart and weary soul

Please don’t give up. The world will not be better without you.

 

 

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The Blessing and Curse of Difference

Blessing: You see things differently. You are creative. Innovative. Divergent thinker.

Curse: People have a hard time understanding the way you think. People don’t understand your ideals, your visions and your dreams.

Blessing: Your trajectory and journey though winding, is beautiful, full of adventure, insights, wisdom and relationships from different places and times.

Curse: People judge you because you seem so all over the place. They don’t understand why you can’t fall in line like everyone else. All they see is a winding path, with no clear objective. They despise your sharp edges and oddly shaped form. They can’t see that structure relates to function and the reason why you’re different is because you were made to do something no one has seen before. And your trajectory? That beautiful life of yours? It has come with plenty of hard knocks. Bruises. Scrapes. Days where the waters of anguish and depression threatened to swallow you up. And yet here you are.

Blessing: Because of your depth of creativity, wisdom, and insight, people come to you for ideas, advice and emotional support.

Curse: Sometimes those same people dismiss you and mock the very things that make you who you are. The people you love most use your past against you as a weapon. They take you for granted and what was once viewed as a gift is now commonplace in their eyes. A prophet is not without honor except in her hometown. The people that know you most, dishonor you the most.

Blessing: You have a diverse set of experiences, many interests and many ideas, which informs the ways in which you see the world and the ways in which you want to impact it.

Curse: You are constantly overloaded by ideas, you have a hard time committing to one idea, and you want to do so much but get overwhelmed because you don’t have all the time in the world.

 

I am different. I feel grossly misunderstood, under-appreciated and overwhelmed. I am angry, I am tired, and I have work to do. Someone please tell me #itgetsbetter

Tears as Protection, Tears as a Weapon

I am a boiling tea kettle

There is a raging stew of emotions

Mixing and tossing and churning inside of me

On the outside I may appear sad, stoic, and sometimes happy

Sometimes I snap a little

I may raise my voice, yell a little, gesticulate

But that doesn’t do much to calm the vortex whirling inside

My consolation comes from crying

Yes I said it.

My tears are my steam

Instead of whistling I scream

And let the torrent of tears flow

Unleashing the pain and pressure I feel inside

I don’t wield knives, guns or words as weapons

I shed tears, and with each tear I shed

A layer of weight lifts off my soul

I thank God for tears

Without them, the pressure would build

And I would surely self-destruct

Living Single

I wake up alone, thankful for another day

Thankful for the space to be myself, with myself, by myself

On my best days, I’m thankful for this gift of time

This time to be single

Single-minded in soul, focus, pursuit, goals

But I’d be lying if I said that I don’t have my days….

 

On some days, like today

I feel discontent grip my heart tightly

And settle into the crevices of my heart, like the finest sand

Irritating the rawness of heartbreak, heartache

My heart aches from desires unfulfilled

 

On some days, I feel cheated

I followed the rules (mostly)

I was a good girl.

I went to school, listened to my parents

Kept my v-card….never kissed a boy or man…never engaged in any sexual activity with anyone… but myself (LOL) and yet…..

Here I am. 25. Single. Never been in a relationship.

While I watch countless other women

Women who have traded their self-worth and virtue

For momentary pleasures. No judgment. Just saying. Ok I’m lying.

I’m so judging.

From my friend Artemis, who had been in a relationship from 14-24

And had only just now experienced the bitter taste of singleness….for a mere 2 years

To my friend Hurac√£o, who had a boyfriend in high school and did all sorts of naughty things…. and is getting married soon…

To another friend…who got involved in a relationship with a married man before meeting her husband!!!!

And I just wonder….where did I go wrong in life?

 

On other days, I feel behind

As I come across random strangers….

Pictures of happy times, beautiful memories

Women who got married at 24/25 and had kid a year later

They’re now in their thirties, enjoying double digit anniversaries

And double digit birthday parties for their children

While I can most certainly look forward to being in my 40s when my children turn double digits..

That is if I even have children…if I even get married….

 

I have my doubts. Sometimes I feel like my life is an example of

God’s free will. He can do whatever He wants.

He could very well allow me to have these desires to be married and have children

And choose not to let me see the fulfillment of those desires

And as angry as that makes me sometimes

At the same time, He is perfectly justified…and He is not cruel one way or another

 

On my best days, I’m too focused on living life to the fullest

To allow the feelings of loneliness, sadness, and desire

To descend upon me like a heavy wool cloak

Nope. I don’t want to make peace with these feelings.

I want to numb them.

With too many activities. Lies I tell myself.

Truths I try to meditate on.

But I can’t truly lie to myself.

I’m 25. I want to be married and have kids.

But at the same time, I don’t want to give up my life, my freedom.

I don’t even know who I am some days. I don’t know what I want on other days.

How can I introduce a husband and children into this hurricane of confusion and instability?

 

But what about them? What about those women who got married at 22 and 23?

Surely they didn’t know who they were and what they wanted out of life?

Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.

But what have I ever gained from looking at someone else’s life?

And therein lies my problem.

I use other people’s experiences and their outward appearances

As the standard for my own life…

And I feel discontentment, pressure, bitterness…

God I’m going to let this all go

I’m going to lay this all down

And I’m going to take up my cross and follow You

Today I am 25, and I’m living single.