Posted in Heart's Desires

I Will Conquer

By God’s grace….

I will rise above all the mess and distress in my life.

giphy6

I will turn every negative into a positive in my life, deflect all things meant to harm, and somersault over my obstacles, like pink power ranger:

giphy4

I will turn every mistake, poor choice and negative consequence into learned lessons that bring me greater levels of success and happiness.

giphy8

When the enemy (Satan, all his minions, principalities and powers) fucks with me again, this is what I will do:

giphy2

When I’m about to lose my shit, I’ll catch my own rebound like a fucking boss as so:

giphy3

I will experience overwhelming victory consistently

giphy5

I will kick all negativity, naysayers, lies, and things that make me feel shitty about myself to the curb:

giphy7

I will have too much sauce and I will give no fucks 🙂

903502_499136413478318_1577133282_o

 

Posted in So Over.....

So Over Pity Parties

Sooooo lol I threw myself a pity party last night and it was so dumb lol.

Even as I was crying I wanted to slap myself.

I’ve been crying over my situation for years. Tears ain’t change nothing!

After I took my behind to bed (sob sessions have a great way of making you sleepy), I woke up this morning and I said to myself:

Today is a great day to get my life together!

Today is a great day to clean my room. Clean the kitchen. Clean my bathroom.

Today is a great day to read. Journal. Think about my life and be intentional about creating action steps for change.

Today is a great day to live in the promise that my season of mourning is over and my season of joy has come.

The shift is here. Change is here. I just have to walk in it.

No more pity parties.

Will I have bad moments? Yeah. Will I get annoyed about shit sometimes? ABSOLUTELY!

But to indulge in the negativity until I cry myself to sleep? Negatory. I’m wasting time!!!!

I can use that energy to get myself back to a higher place and to a higher self.

While I’m here crying and dying on the inside, other people are living their dreams.

While I’m here crying….. other people are working and making their millions and billions.

Soooooo I’m done crying. The next time I cry it better be while I’m working lol.

I’m so over pity parties.

giphy1

 

 

Posted in Emotions

When Will This End?

Can’t sleep. So I blog.

I’ve been in a very weird and shitty place for at least a year and a half now.

I thought maybe after I got fired from my teaching job this past June and had time to focus on me things would get better.

I felt an emptiness. A growing restlessness.

I avoided the void with work. And more work.

The emptiness has grown and now there’s a yawning chasm between my heart and mind. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in there anymore.

I am so confused.

Am I even capable of making good decisions?

I know God is speaking but I’m not tuned into His frequency.

I’m tired of hearing Him say “I love you” when my life feels like a cosmic joke.

I look around me and I see people living their dreams…. and I’m here. Trying to scrape together money to pay bills.

I should be grateful though. I should be. After all, I’m alive…. I’m highly educated…. I have a family that loves me… I have friends……ish….. Life could be so much worse.

But I’m tired of using that as a sedative…as a relaxant. Life should be so much better.

I’m tired of being on the struggle bus… and yet I feel so stuck.

I want to run passionately after my dreams, but then I get smacked in the face with self-condemnation… what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?

I don’t want to lose my soul.

And yet I feel lost already.

I still feel restless and empty.

Posted in Heart's Desires, Uncategorized

So Many Ideas…. Where To Begin?

Here I am at my tutoring job… head swimming with ideas.

I want to be anywhere but here.

I have things I want to start and do.

I want to be a high school admissions consultant/teen life coach.

I want to be a motivational speaker for middle schoolers, high schoolers, college students and young adults (and adults also!)… people of all ages essentially.

I want to attack the educational disparities in attainment that exist within my home town/county as well as across the country and world.

I want to empower young women, black women, young men, black men. Every woman. Every man.

I want to write plenty of books.

I want to create music that empowers and inspires.

I want to start a global movement.

I want to be a multi-billionaire.

These are just a few of the many, many (over 1000+ actually) dreams that I have in my heart and mind.

Where do I begin?

And how do I chase my dreams, but keep God in the center of it all?

 

Posted in Relationships, Uncategorized

Fears Vol. 1: Job Mistakes Blast from the Past

Sometimes I’m gripped by fear of the past. I’m afraid that my past will find it’s way to rear its ugly head into my bright and shiny, beautiful and glorious future.

As you my faithful readers know, I was unjustly fired from two teaching positions. The second one I can say was filled with absolute animosity and spite….

I can’t say that I was 100% blameless in either of the two positions, I’m sure there were things I could have done better, but at the same time I certainly did not hold 100% of the blame.

When I think about the ways in which I would like to live my life…. when I think about all the awesome things I want to achieve and the billions of lives I want to change, I think back to my past and I am haunted by the endless questions:

  1. What if they discredit me?
  2. What if they speak ill against me?
  3. What if they use my past performance against me?
  4. What if they sabotage me?
  5. What if they lie about me?

I know it’s so dumb to live in fear, but I’d be lying if I said these things didn’t keep me up at night sometimes.

I want to leave the past in the past where it belongs… but in today’s world, where everyone is looking for a piece of the pie and people will intentionally throw people under the bus to get there, I can’t help but wonder if my past employers will try to ruin my life, all because they’re wicked miserable people who couldn’t see the value I brought to the company, and were angry because I called them out on their shit.

I don’t know. But I’m praying for them. And myself.

I’m not the first one to be fired from a job…. I’m really not. I won’t be the last. I have nothing to fear. God’s got me.

I’m moving on.

Posted in Hustle Hard

GMAT Diagnostic

Took a practice GMAT today.

Wanted to blow my head off. JUST KIDDING 🙂

But seriously though…. taking this test was so annoying.

I didn’t enjoy the Integrated Reasoning.

The math was ok, but I didn’t have the patience for it, especially not the data sufficiency questions (#barf).

Verbal should have been easiest but they added those fucking critical reasoning questions (#rollseyes).

I got a 580…. considering that I didn’t give a fuck and I honestly wasn’t trying, that’s not too shabby.

Wonder what I would have gotten if I had the time, energy, and patience to give it my best shot?

I’d love to say I’m so over this exam, but alas, it’s only the beginning.

Cheers to all those having to study for standardized exams so they can go back to school.

We’re all in this together.

giphy

Posted in Prayers

Fuck! Do I Sign the Lease or Not?!?!?

Ugh le sigh…. so much has happened over the past 96 hours.

Parents have convinced me finally to come home.

I want to come home because I want to save $$$$ and start my business.

I want to get ready for the next step: which is going back to school to pursue my JD/MBA.

The problem is…. I have to sign a lease within the next one week to stay in my current place for another year.

I don’t want to. I don’t plan to.

But I have to quickly find someone to take my place.

And even though they’re irrelevant, I’m afraid of the potential conflict this might cause between me and my roommates, who I’ve gotten pretty close to lately. My parents and bestie don’t understand this part about me…. but I do consider other people, quite heavily when I make decisions….how my actions might impact them, etc. Idk why. I wish I would stop. #fuckinginfjproblems

Fuck.

I’m tired.

Too much to do.

Not enough time. Not enough energy.

I need to go back home though.

Pray for your girl y’all.

Posted in Music

Damn I Thought I Could Sing!!!

So in my quest to become a better worship leader and singer-songwriter (among the millions of other things I want to do in life le sigh), I decided to invest in vocal coaching (something I’ve been wanting to do for years).

I can’t afford ridiculously priced vocal lessons.

Found this lady on Youtube. Scheduled a session.

First session was a vocal consultation. I had given her some samples of me singing.

She told me that I had no beauty in my voice….

She told me that if I wanted to sing R&B/Soul, there needed to be smoothness and beauty and I had none of that.

Damn. She came at my life.

Jesus told me that He loves to hear me sing.

This lady is telling me my voice isn’t beautiful.

Who should I believe?

In any case, I humbled myself and came back for another session.

We worked on breathing techniques (the foundation for good singing) and nuance.

It was in this first lesson that I realized…. I don’t really know how to sing….well…

Like I can sing. I can emit sound and I can make that sound sound good… but I don’t have good vocal technique.

I think she could have chosen her words better (no beauty in your voice… shut up… lol)… but she’s right in that I do have things I need to learn.

And so it begins…..

Posted in So Over.....

So Over Low Self-Esteem and Related Bullshit

Still kinda mad about the whole dick-sucking thing…. if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, read my previous post here.

All my life I’ve struggled with low self-esteem.

I was never pretty enough.

Never smart enough.

Never thin enough.

Never Christian enough.

Never rich enough.

Never “white” enough (but I’m Nigerian… how the fuck does that work. Post on that later).

Never “black” enough.

Never Nigerian enough.

Never strong enough.

Never creative enough.

Never kind enough.

Never cool enough.

Never enough period.

Low self-esteem caused me to waste my time and energy on half-assed friendships with guys that went nowhere. They were all give (on my end), and all take (on their end).

Low self-esteem caused me to rip up incredible works of fiction that would have made millions if I had just believed in myself (when I was 13 and in the 8th grade, I predicted that we would have a racist white President. I was right. But I destroyed the evidence. Fuck).

Low self-esteem caused me to waste thousands of hours of my life crying, medicating my pain through food, television, internet scrolling, porn and other worthless things, instead of investing in myself.

Low self-esteem caused me to develop negative thought patterns that I am now working so hard to change (neuroplasticity is real guys! You can literally change your brain with the thoughts you think!)

Low self-esteem caused me to self-sabotage, to fuck up opportunities, all because I didn’t think I deserved anything good.

Low self-esteem wrecked a good 24 years of my life. Now I’m 25. I don’t intend to waste any more of my life at the altar of low self-esteem. Fuck that!

I’m so over low self-esteem and all the dangers it can create. No more excuses. Low self-esteem is a sorry excuse for sorry behaviors. And I don’t have any more time for sorry behaviors. I have a life to live and a world to change.

It’s time to embrace my worth. I am because He says I am. I am worthy, I am desirable and I am enough.

I’m kicking low self-esteem to the curb, and I invite y’all to hold me accountable.

#SoOverIt

#ShineOn

Posted in Heart's Desires, Relationships

You Gotta Draw The Line Somewhere

Spoke with a friend earlier today and she shared about how a friend of hers had given a guy head. Even though she and this guy weren’t in a committed relationship and the guy made it clear that he had no intentions of being with her, she still sucked his dick.

I know in a previous post I quoted the whole “Never say never” thing and the importance of being open and flexible, but there are rules, and then there are exceptions to the rules.

NEVER WILL I EVER suck the dick of a man that I am not married to. Period.

If I’m going to engage in an act of abasement (let’s be real man… I know there’s this whole “oh the woman has the power when she’s giving a guy head…. but let’s just be honest…. who again is on their knees? Oh alright then)….. then it better damn well be with a man that’s sticking with me for life.

Fuck that whole friends with benefits shit.

Fuck the idea of pleasuring a man that could care less about my own pleasure.

Fuck the idea of even wasting a nanosecond of my time on a man who has not proven himself worthy and who has no intentions of valuing anything I give him. BEEN THERE DONE THAT (the wasting time part… not that other shit) AND I AM NEVER DOING IT AGAIN.

Life is too short. Can’t be wasting it on dumb fuckbois.

Now excuse me while I finish drawing my line in the sand.